Relief but guilty

I am still not officially divorced from my husband, but he was and still is the same way. My marriage to him was the darkest ten years of my life. For financial reasons, the kids and I still live with him, with me sleeping in the living room. The plan is to do this for two more years, until I finish college in 2 years. It is hard to believe that as such a strong woman, that I let this happen. I am just grateful to be on the other side of it now. The day I came out to him, he let me know how much he hated me and how he has for years. He is a major homophobe. I tried to talk realistically about the kids and their future, but he just wouldn't stop with the abusive talk. I finally stood up and said well, you aren't being reasonable so I am leaving, and I stood up and walked out of the room. It was the first time I ever did that, and it was an incredible feeling. That was a little over a year ago.

 

I split from my gf, of 14 years, two months ago. Emotionally, I had been split much longer. But to finally NOT be in that relationship anymore has been such a huge relief. I have been called fag more times than I can count, and despite all that I find myself STILL trying to be as nice as possible, tho only for the kids sake.

 

Hey ladies...

When I read your posts, I saw you both impose judgement on yourselves. Although it may be hard, try not to blame yourself for putting up with things, or getting yourself in a mess. That is all wasted energy. Focus on your future and be kind to yourselves. Shit happens to all of us. The only thing that matters is right now and your future. Hang in there (*hug*)

 

Yup, for the kids. I am bending over backwards to make it as healthy as possible for the kids. Something that I have been working on, is to stop doing things to try to make my ex happy, when he doesn't do the same back. I need to focus on myself, and the kids, and our happiness, and then just be cordial with him and offer him the respect due for the shared housing, and him footing most of the expenses until my school is done.

---------- Post added 14th Aug 2015 at 12:24 PM ----------

Thank you (*hug*)

 

Well, at least its good that he hasn't tried to put you out or something.

 

Not knowing how old your kids are, I can only say that honesty is the most important thing. My kids are older, 10, 12, and 15 and my 12 year old just flat out told me one day that she would never expect me to stay in the relationship for them. Of course I did as long as I could just for that reason. I think that if you're honest with the kids about things, they are much more capable of understanding then they sometimes get credit for. In the end, I'm sure they would just wanna see you happy.

 

My kids are 8 and 10, and they already know that I am lesbian, and that I will never be with Dag again. Their Dad can really be rough with them emotionally too, so the three of us are really tight and talk a lot about it and how we feel. They both want to stay where we are, so that I can get this degree, and then when I have it, the three of us are relocating, probably to Seattle. It is our two year plan, and we are pretty excited about it. ^_^

 

That's great that you have such a close relationship to your children. My ex always accused me of brainwashing the kids and trying to befriend them too much. I suck as a disciplinarian, I know, but I always felt it was more important to build the close bond with them so that they always know they could talk to me. Just yesterday I took the girls to the mall and stopped at Victoria's Secret cuz my 12 yr old really wanted some "fancy underwear" and the two older ones commented that its crazy how they felt so much more comfortable in there with me than they would have with their mother.
I think its great you have a plan in place for relocating. That may very well be the exact thing needed to put all the negative crap to rest and begin again.

 

Thanks <3
and I think that doing the things that you are doing with your kids is so important. I believe that it instills a lot of trust, and helps to nurture the friendship between parents and their kids. I know so many people say, you are their parent, not their friend, but I just don't buy it. We are their parents, AND their friends.

 

Yeah my kids think their mother is evil, cruel and rude. She hates that they tell me everything. Just found out last night that she recently told the girls she hopes I find some guy, get f***ed, then bashed. And it blows their mind how she can say something so god awful. Unfortunately she is the type where if she says the sky is green with orange polka dots, you are a liar if you disagree. And I can understand all of this being hard on her, but its getting to be a bit ridiculous.

 

Sounds like she is in the same arena as my kids' dad. It's amazing how the kids are really able to sort out the BS. I hate that they have to deal with it, and go through this, but by going through it, I am getting a glimpse of what my kids are made of, and what amazing people they are becoming.

 

Exactly. I am so amazed at watching their personalities develop and it fills me with such joy to see them becoming such strong, outspoken young women.

 

What I've come to see is how much I had just grown to resent my ex in so many ways. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to her coming home. And there is a big part that also thought maybe things are like this cuz I'm not meant to be with a woman. I always felt inadequate and like I'm supposed to fulfill a role that I'm simply not made for. And as I am allowing myself to check out guys and just saying to myself "I'm gay", I am starting to feel much more confident and for the first time in years I am starting to feel inspired to just get my shit together and be the absolute best me I can be.

 

Do either of you ever find yourself wishing that your straight partner would hurry up and fall in love with someone else, because it would make things easier? I would love for it to happen with my kids' dad.

 

I haven't even talked to any guy in any sort of way even. Having been with the ex for so long, and I can't be unfaithful, I have never had the chance to find out how that would be. Right now, I'm focusing on just doing right by the girls, getting myself in a better place, and then seeing about getting to know someone later down the line. Definitely hard sometimes when you wanna go running into this new life you've waited so long for and yet having that part that is hesitant about having to get used to someone else's baggage, much less exposing them to your own.

 

Neither of you sound awful at all. Things will get easier. I really believe that. (*hug*)