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Emotional night

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Aug 14, 2015.

  1. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Uggh... I just had a conversation with my husband of 8 years.... I came out to him a few months ago. Now looking back I believe Ive always been a lesbian but surpressed it for many reasons. About 7 months ago me and my best friend, who have always talked about how similar our lives have been and we both knew how unhappy the other was in our marriages, found our relationship together and realized that we were in love with each other, and now we have a stronger than ever relationship that has been overpowering for both of us. Both of us have admitted we both have probably always been lesbians but never acknowledged it, until we met that one person we were meant to be with. We are 100% honest with each other (something we both know we have never been with our husbands) and communicate extremely well and make an amazing team. We are both married have young children under 7 and both of our husbands know about us. Neither is happy about it, of course but it didn't come as a surprise to either of them as our marriages were never normal or happy. Both husbands and both of us basically admit they were in a marriage for the kids, not for love. Neither of us ever had a real sex life, for us girls it was just because we had to, until we became together then that is a different story.

    Anyhow, both husbands are resistant to let us leave our marriages peacefully and start a life together, with joint custody of our children . Especially hers. They want us to remain in our marriages for the kids and continue to pretend everything is great as a "fake family". they know the 2 of us will continue to see each other but want the families to remain as they are.

    Yes, I get that. I do. I want a normal life for my son as well. But, I feel (and she agrees) that staying in the marriages for our childrens sake only isn't healthy for anyone and we should find a way to move on peacefully so we can have a life together. Both of our therapists a couple months ago recommended we wait 6 months before we make a final decision, which we are doing but neither of us feels that our feelings are going to change. We know that this life will have its challenges, but we will find a way. Our therapists have both also pointed out that the children will grow up, and move on to lives of their own, and we can either still be putting along in unhappy marriages, or we can be with a life partner who we are truly happy with, and that if a separation/divorce from our spouse is inevitable, it is better to move on while they are younger because they will grow with the situation sooner than if they were older kids when the divorce happened.

    Anyhow, after breaking down to my husband (who always says he wants me to be open up to him, tho I know this situation Is so hard for him to deal with and how hurt he feels) he is very upset and wont accept that I didn't deliberately do this to hurt him and now he just wants me out of his life so he can move on, and he will fight me so I don't get much time with our son, etc. Im a good mom. I own a business ive had for 14 years (im only 32!) and work very hard. Ive never used drugs or been in any trouble (my girlfriend who ive formed this relationship has not either).

    Im not looking for much advice, just venting that I don't know how to tell my husband Im sorry ive hurt him but I really didn't set out in life to hurt him. I didn't intend on this happening, but once it did my eyes were opened to what my life really should be.
     
  2. RavenTheRat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'm going to start this by saying I'm 15. I don't know much about life.
    But I do know this.
    I'd rather my parents be happy than pretending to love each other for my sake.
     
  3. Sue Baloo

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Des Plaines (Chicago)
    People need to rethink their definitions of what a normal marriage is. Parents who are in love, and respect each other make the best role models for children, if we want our children to seek out healthy relationships for themselves someday. Gender is irrelevant. If we want our children to know passion and joy when they look in to their spouses eye, they best thing we can do, is raise them in an environment where that is what they see. Good luck with all of this. It sounds like you and your new partner are going to need a lot of patience to get to the best place possible for both you and all of the kids, but I'm sure it will be worth it. <3