I don't want to be bisexual and I don't want to deal with this.

Hi WomaninAmber,

It's nice to see you back around here. I know that you hate going to these types of things, and I don't think you are stupid or weak for not going, but I do think that in order to make more friends who are in the community, you probably need to put yourself out there in some way. It might not be going to this, but you (and I) can't make LGBT friends unless we do something different.

The other part of your post deals with your sexuality. You don't get to pick what/who you are. You can choose how to deal with that information/knowledge though. Being bisexual might not be what you had thought you would be, or you might not even like it, but it's something you can't really change. You can choose to act on your attractions or not (although I think most people on here would say it's difficult at best to fight it), but they aren't likely to go away.

Let us know how it goes if you decide to do it!
ride:

 

Do you mind if I ask if when you say you don't want to be bi, if you'd prefer just being a lesbian? Or do you mean maybe that it was so much easier being straight? I have no intention of lecturing you, I am just trying to get a better understanding where you are coming from

 

I am curious...

How do you feel about the color of your eyes? Your hair color? Your height?

Those all can be faked like sexuality or you can accept yourself as you are.

 

I think we all have days where we feel pretty similar things, to what you are feeling today. I have seen some bi bashing by lesbians too (I assume that is what you are referring to) and I know that even the fact that I have slept with so many men in my past is something that a lot of lesbians turn their noses up at. Coming out late makes me feel like a teenager in a great way, like my life is starting over, and anything can happen, but man, some of these lesbian cliques make me feel like I am in high school again. But like high school, they are just cliques. I think we just need to find all of the cool lesbians who don't really like hanging out with those judgmental cliques either. They have to be out there, and there has to be a ton of them. I for one, just need to figure out where to find them. :icon_wink

 

I totally put those words in your mouth then, thanks for correcting me. That has just been my experience so I thought that was what you were saying too.

 

I can so very much relate to this. When trying to label myself and I "try on" the bisexual label, the first thing that comes to my mind is that then I should stay with my boyfriend (who is a very nice person also and who's become my best friend as well).
The second thing is that I really want to be with a woman and if I'm bisexual I have the chance to end up with a man and currently I don't want to...

In this moment I feel like I can't be with a man because I'm not attracted to them and I cannot be myself in a relationship with a man, but I can't be with a woman either because up until now I've been so brainwashed that I can only be with a man, that every time I'm trying to imagine me being with a woman in a relationship my mind just goes blank, like there is no data available to construct a possible model about this in my head.

So after so many years of identifying as straight, I think we need some time to reconstruct the images and patterns in our minds related to relationships and so much more. I noticed great progress with this since I'm being more accepting towards myself, but still I have very down moments, I had such yesterday too, when I thought I might be straight and just making all this up. Because why I couldn't realize I was gay in my teens or something like other people do? But then I remember how shy, afraid of everything I was when I was younger and all I wanted was others to accept me. With a pathological fear of rejection and ridicule. So it kind of makes sense that I took this long detour, I guess...

 

It's just so important to connect with people you can give to and receive from. In a Lesbian or a Bi meetup type of thing there have to be a few people you'll resonate with just on a social level (with a bit of positive emotional and, who knows, maybe sexual fliratiousness thrown in). I wouldn't get hung up or beat yourself up about any particular group. You owe them nothing.

 

Hello WiA,

I am a bisexual woman, and I don't go to bisexual meetup groups or whatever. It actually is a comfortable part of my identity, for me...but I just find that I don't jive well with many other bisexuals. I can chat comfortably with them online, understand them, etc., but we are not the same, and most I would very much not enjoy meeting in real life. I just don't think I am that similar to too many people, period.

But I do meet *individuals* (bisexual and otherwise) online and in real life, who I do jive with, and whose company I do enjoy. It's the "bisexual species" in general that I can feel alienated from. I would never meet these individuals if I went to a meetup...because (a) they aren't the kinds of people who go to meetups and (b) I'm not such a social person that I would meet enough people to find them, even if they were there.

I think my overall point is that there is no reason to feel pressure to go to meetup groups. But there are people worth meeting...and they can be met outside of such groups. Maybe stop worrying/thinking/judging yourself with respect to sexuality, and just live life for a while. Yeah, you might actually be straight...or maybe not. Yeah, you might be a bisexual...but if you are, you are. That doesn't mean anything about how you are or what you have to do...it just means you find certain people attractive. We *all* find certain people attractive. Stop tending to your sexuality, and *attend to you*. That is the way to gain something to offer to someone else...male or female, whatever shakes out. And when you've tended to you, and you are rich with you, then love will follow naturally. But we have to work on us first.

And yeah...I think you answered your own concern about wanting to be lesbian so you'd have an excuse for leaving your husband...it wasn't about sexuality at all...so being a lesbian would not have helped...it would only have helped you deceive others and yourself about why you left. So it's not so bad it didn't work out that way.

*hugs* Good luck, hon, and keep in touch.

 

Yes, about taking up the passive role in a relationship. This is actually maybe the number one reason (or on the same level with the sexuality thing) for which I think I need to end my relationship with my bf. I have always been the passive one in the relationship, even if I'm sometimes pretending not to be, but when there is a decision to take, I somehow automatically step back and let him take it. It is already something so ingrained in the pattern of how we "operate" in this relationship, that I feel like I cannot change this. Even if he used to tell me (especially lately when I started finding my own voice) that it only depends on me if I want to take more responsibility or not, he is not influencing it, but somehow there are these roles we play out in the relationship and if I'm starting to be more responsible and more myself, I'm also starting to feel that I'm not part of this relationship anymore. Not sure if this makes sense

I think in my case there are several reasons for this pattern, I changed a lot since we met (8 years ago), back then I was so lost and anxious and afraid of "not doing things right", of other people rejecting me, and I was afraid to speak up before I would check with someone else - to see if my opinion is valid (I know, what a horrible strategy). So following this pattern, it's not a surprise that I became so passive.

But since I started finding myself, especially since I started to let myself accept the fact that I might be gay, I noticed this stronger unapologetic side of me arising - and it's an amazing feeling I've never had before But this stronger side of me I think needs to explore how it is to live independently for the first time in her life.

I'm still not sure about anything though and having moments of doubt and despair (had some of that today), but I'm sure I can't go back to what it was before. So either I will live in this limbo state forever which I highly doubt is possible, either something will happen

 

Hey, I just wanted to say that I don't think you are stupid or weak by any means. You didn't feel up to it today - that is OK! Maybe another time you will. Or maybe you will find something that suits you better.

And as for the feeling that you don't want to be bi. I get it. Life would be easier if our sexuality was clear. But you know, that is just not the cards we got handed.

Hang in there, hope you aren't beating yourself up.

 

I love your title. It's how I feel about being gay. :bang:

 

Hello,

we don't get to choose our sexual orientation. How many time have I heard this, yet how often I have felt exactly as you express in this post. Oh how I've wished I could have been either gay or straight, but why this odd group 'bisexual', we who seem to be mistrusted by so many?

I've struggled with it so much in the last few months that I was contemplating just identifying as gay, since it is this 'side' of my nature that has, as yet, remained so unfulfilled. Since I'm looking for a bf, would it not be easier to tell folks I'm just gay? Then I would not have to utter the word, 'bisexual'.

But last night, I had a sort of healing experience. I was once again able to accept that I still like girls as well as guys, and that it's ok to like both. It was sort of an act of compassion, of generousity towards my own suffering self. I literally spoke to my own aching soul that I cannot help feeling as I do, why do some folks blame me for something that isn't my fault, something I cannot help.

In any case, I think it would be better to be loved as one truly is, than to have to dissemble in any way whatsoever or hide my bisexuality, just to be accepted - then again, it wouldn't actually be real acceptance of the real me, would it, if I was out as gay, just to make things more comfortable for myself?

A big hug for you as you explore all of this. Your journey could lead you anywhere, you might find you prefer guys, or girls, or like myself, be truly bisexual and find that what really matters is a particular person, and that what their gender happens to be, is not as important as who they are as a human being. When you think about it, that is a beautiful perspective, one that ought to be celebrated. It's hard to when there is still so much disdain in some quarters for the bisexual orientation. But I'm going to keep fighting to at least accept myself. Whichever orientation you discover you really 'are' in time (it isn't always clear right away), I hope you can resolve to accept it, because after all we don't get to choose who we feel attracted to, it just happens.

Take care,
(*hug*)

 

Look at it this way. If you are slowly able to make 1 or 2 good friends, or even casual pals, from events like this, it will have been worth it.

Maybe you can go the next time they have an event. It's ok that you don't click with everybody. The same happens to me at any type of event. I'll attempt to appear pleasant to everyone, even if I sense there's not much of a base for a friendship, but I usually find 1 or 2 people I click with. And, since I can find myself analyzing and judging at any gathering, I find it's just better to be neutral with the ones in attendance you don't feel any chemistry toward.

Think about that for the next time. Maybe that last event wasn't meant to be.

As for the acceptance part, that will unfold on its own schedule, in whatever form that's meant to be.

 

WomanInAmber,

I guess I am whatever people want to call me having been married, having children, divorced and with women (for a long time now). While I've always had a much stronger, sexual inclination towards women, my sexuality was not the reason why my marriage didn't work out. But I know people whose sexuality was a huge factor so it varies. In a relationship, I can't see myself going back to a man but if I were single I could sleep with one, sure. I guess what I am trying to say is that I believe sexuality is fluid to a degree. Where bi-sexuality is concerned, it got a bad rap from all sides for different reasons, but none of them are valid to the person who is bi-sexual.

People would call me a lesbian because I am in a relationship with a woman, and frankly I prefer her in every single way. That is not about all women, just one...the one I fell in love with. I can call myself a lesbian if I want to and it would be correct because of my commitment and sexual attraction to my long term partner. You see, we can frame it in more ways than just straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

I love what Tea Tree had to say here -"there is no data available to construct a possible model about this in my head." That is perfect. What that means to me is, we can simply love whom we love without all that other stuff pending; labels, role expectations, rigid constructs, and needing to have all the answers about life and sexuality before the right person comes along.