We've created a mess, but still want happiness :(

Several months ago my best friend & I (who already had an emotional relationship and spent practically all of our time together, and when we weren't together we were on the phone or texting), realized we were in love with each other and formed a complete relationship (physical, emotional, etc). It was an overpowering experience for both of us and we have both admitted we have always wanted that. Our relationship is amazing, as we were already best friends, we are always 100% honest with each other, we work so well together, take care of each other, and could just lay and snuggle and talk for hours. I have never before openly WANTED to snuggle and kiss and hug someone so much as her. And she has said the same. We just had to find that one person we were meant to be with, and that's what we believe.

Problem is, we are both married and have young children (between 5&7 years old). Neither of us had a happy marriage, this was something we talked about all the time before our relationship began. Our stories were similar, never enjoyed or wanted to have a sex life with our husbands, we both realized we settled on our marriages because we wanted a family. This was all well before we knew each other (we met about 3 years ago). Both of us have had marital problems for years, and were staying in our marriages for our children. Neither of us would have admitted we were a lesbian before now, but several things have added up for us now that we have found what we have together.

We let our husbands find out about us a few months ago, though at first we kept it a secret. They are hurt and upset, which of course is expected. Though both of them knew the marriages were never happy or normal, they are still beyond upset. Both me and her see therapists to talk through our situation, but both husbands refuse to go, though it would probably help them come to terms with the situation. We want to eventually leave our husbands and start a new life together with joint custody of our children, but the husbands are going to fight us tooth & nail to make it as difficult as possible. They both say we have wrecked 2 homes, destroyed 2 families, etc etc etc. We didn't plan this or do it just to hurt them. We are both good moms, always with our children. Our kids absolutely LOVE each other and have a blast every time we do things together with the kids. We want our children to grow up happy. We believe staying in an unhappy marriage just for the kids isn't healthy for anyone, and though it will be an adjustment, in the long run they will grow up happier than they would if mom &dad just stayed together for them.

We don't want to destroy anything, and we both know for a 100% fact that neither of us destroyed the others' marriage, if either of us were happy in our marriage this never would have happened. For the time being, we are going through counseling, trying to find a way to make things peaceful so we can move on peacefully, and we see each other a few times a week. But I am sad a lot of the time, when I cant be with her, esp. at night. I want to relax with her on the couch after the kids go to bed, and sleep next to her and snuggle in bed and wake up next to her and start the next day with her by my side. I want to be the person who is there with her when she's happy, and when she's sad. We want to be there for each other for everything. Yet, the situation is so complicated we have to wait. Have to try to make the husbands be peaceful so there is no nasty custody battle, which we dont want more than anything. Life is short and we dont want to wait forever to be happy.

I know theres not really any advice for me just looking for support. I know eventually everything will work out but its so hard right now. We know what we want and life is short. We want to figure it out and of course make everything as smooth as possible for the kids. Yet its hard and I find myself melting down at bedtime bc I so much want to be with her. We know we have something special, from the time we became friends, and our feelings aren't going to change. Life is short why cant we just be with the person we really want to be with and not in our homes walking on eggshells to not upset the husbands further. We just want to figure out a way to move on peacefully, and be happy together.

 

Thank you. I think our husbands (at least mine did for sure) suspected there was something more going on before we even did, because of all the time we spent together and how distant I was with him. I get it, its gotta be a mind-altering devastation to have to realize your wife is a lesbian. I just wish they would agree to go to counseling like me & her do, it could help them talk it though and come to peace with it. As my husband is sitting here swearing at me because we are texting each other to say goodnight, I just wish we could be together.

 

Wondering if anyone else got stuck in an ugly custody battle after coming out/separating from spouse? We want to avoid that for our kids.

 

Thank you. Im struggling with a lot right now and the fact that I cant be with her a lot of the time is hard. I feel like Im just going through motions to get through time to hopefully get to a time when we can just be together and have everyone peaceful with it. I hope that day comes.