Anyone know how to deal with a fundamentalist family?

Hugs. I dont have too much advice, my family is strictly liberal, and I didn't even have to tell them, after my husband found out he told his family and my parents. But they are fine with it. My girlfriend hasn't told her parents as they also are pretty conservative. Im sad to think of parents disowning their own children over such a thing, but I guess my liberal upbringing makes that idea foreign to me. Good luck.

 

MY dad and his wife are like this, and I sent them a non apologetic letter telling them the facts, and telling them that I hope they could be happy for me. I concluded the letter, stating that this should not change anything in our relationship (I got that suggestion from someone here) that way, it totally makes it clear, that if the relationship changes it is all on them. For me the letter worked, because they are in the next state, but also because I knew how ugly it might go, and I really did not want to set myself up for that level of hate. I got a call a few days after I sent it, where my stepmom told me they got the letter and read it, but then nothing else was said about the letter. We then exchanged some awkward pleasantries and the call was over within 5 minutes. Considering how bad it could have gone, especially if I did it in person, I can't really complain.

 

Hey there, and yes, I have deep, enduring, painful experience in this one! I won't bore you with a 40 year's accounting of the details but I'll give you the highlights.

Fundamental Evangelical Baptists. Knew I was "special" around 9, knew I was gay around 16, peeked my little gay head out around 20 and immediately brought it back in and got married to my best friend with a year, had four kids, came out at 43 and got divorced after 22 years. I hurt a lot of people whom I love and love me and am pissed beyond comprehension that I allowed it all to happen and allowed religion to control me for so long. I battled severe depression, self-loathing, and constant bouts with suicidal thinking until I was ready to end it all. I came out instead.

What I gathered from all that is that those that truly love you will still love you when you come out. EVERY friend and loved one I've come out to has been really wonderful to me. HOWEVER, my mother and brother, not so much. I have a tenuous relationship with my brother and a non-existant relationship with my mother. It hurt for a really long time and I kept trying to fix it and school them, and prove that I wasn't an evil hell-bound monster, but all to no avail. I no longer care that I have no relationship with my mother. I wish her well, send a text on occasion, but have no plans to see her. She loves her religion more than she loves me. That's fine. There are a lot of unpleasant people in the world, and sometimes they're in our family!

Finally, I totally regret playing their game at all. I did it out of self-preservation because I definitely would have been sent to a conversion camp or kicked out, but when I was older and had the chance, I didn't take it and instead dug a monstrous hole for myself and those I love.

Advice: Be respectful because as misguided as they are, they THINK they're doing the right thing. BUT, live your life, and don't let their religiosity cloud the good in your own life. Sometimes it takes surgery to get rid of the cancer, just sayin'. And letting their cancer-cloud ruin your life, will ruin your and your sister's lives NOT theirs.

I wish you and your sister all the best in the world and hope that your family learns that you both are still the wonderful people they always knew.

 

As someone who once was disowned by one parent (and later supposedly "forgiven") that is something probably beyond your control, regardless of how you come out. Disowning a child isn't a normal Christian response to coming out, but then neither are preachers on TV quoting the penalty for being gay in Leviticus either. That is part of an extreme that borders on being mentally ill, IMO, and fortunately in the minority with even most fundamentalists.

RunnerRunner2 said, "What I gathered from all that is that those that truly love you will still love you when you come out. EVERY friend and loved one I've come out to has been really wonderful to me." In my case I can't say EVERY loved one has been wonderful, but they've not been hateful either. In my fathers case he says he hates the sin but loves the sinner. My mother once called that statement liberal claptrap in a fit of anger. The majority of my family all have varying levels of acceptance, at least now. Whether they accept it now or later or never, the sooner they know the sooner they can deal with it internally.

 

Sorry... No cure for stupid family members.

Think about... They are more concerned about others and how others perceive them than their own family members.

Somehow you avoided that shallow end of gene pool.

You cannot fix others. But you can fix yourself.

 

I had the same experience. I didn't go the marriage/kids route, but I totally understand the struggle of healing from a toxic religious background.

Recently I met with a large group of friends I grew up with, some still in the church. One has a son, in his 20s who is clearly gay, but is marrying a woman. I felt so sad to see the cycle continue, knowing in 20 years what the outcome of that decision will be.

Be proud of yourself to be able to put up boundaries and live your life for yourself. The amount of pressure and brainwashing you endured was severe.

Fanatical religion is poison.

 

I just realized that I sent a coming out letter to me uber fundamentalist brother and his wife as well, and they never got back to me. They have kids a little older then mine, who my kids adore. I was worried that they might cut me off. It looks like it may be Christmas at home alone with the kids this year...but it least it will be festive and filled with love. (I know it's still many months away, but we plan early. My daughter and I are making pride ornaments ^_^ )

 

This is a great attitude! My family ranges from super liberal/wouldn't care (my brothers), to "love the sinner hate the sin" (probably everyone else). So yeah...coming out to them (which if it happens at all is way down the road, I need to figure things out with my husband first) would be hard. I think that ultimately my family would accept it even if they didn't agree with it...and if your parents love you then I will hope for your sake that they can see past their religious convictions.

It's hard but you are doing the right thing. And if your parents are as biblically-inclined (haha, wrote bionically inclined first, LOL) as mine are, I can recommend a few sites to help get into the nitty gritty. I've done some reading and am convinced that there are good arguments against the "the bible says its wrong" belief.

 

My family is military at least going back to the Napoleonic wars, my step dad was super pissed though. My grandfather however made it clear to everyone that if they had negative opinions they best keep them to themselves cause "I fought for everyone's rights, not just your right to be a moron".

Family that are religious usually don't simply accept you as they've accepted a mythological belief already and they won't allow you to displace that. It may take time, but sometimes they come around.

 

Here are some links:

http://www.philosophy-religion.org/handouts/homophobic.htm

Every Biblical Argument Against Being Gay, Debunked Biblically

As another PK (Preacher's Kid), I hear ya!! My dad (the preacher) is actually no longer around but since his death my mom has become even more conservative.

The basic argument is: (1) Nothing against homosexuality in the old testament can be used today because Jesus did away with the old laws, and because if you accept the laws of the old testament you also have to accept all sorts of other crazy-a$$ sh/( (maybe use different words LOL), and (2) the language used in the new testament which is commonly translated as against homosexuality can also be understood to be against promiscuity, which would make more sense since in those days, the idea that people were straight or gay didn't even exist. I would also add (3) that God made me this way and God doesn't make mistakes, so I must be OK this way.

So...I hope that helps!! Obviously people are going to believe what they believe, but there are at least some arguments against blindly basing those beliefs on what the Bible says.

 

So I have my one brother and his wife who are fundamentalists that I also sent the letter to, and that they never got back to me, so I am assuming that they don't want my kids and me mixing with their own kids anymore..I just am not up to calling them to confirm..anyhow, I have an interesting update that I find uplifting.
One of their kids who must be 13 by now, I just found is following me on facebook even after I told him that I didn't think I could accept his friend request because I post a lot of stuff that isn't appropriate for his age, and that also, a lot of my posts may be confusing to his belief system. I told him that at the beginning of summer, and just now noticed that he is following me, so I know he see's me very out posts and my very liberal posts too. I'd like to think that he is secretly curious about the world, beyond the narrow view he has been shown. I think it's a good sign and if that is the case, I am glad that I can be the window that he can look through.