Dying inside and worried

Welcome to EC. Don't worry, your not being negative, you have explained your situation really well. there are a lot of people on this site who will be able to help and give you advice. Its tough making these decisions and being open about who you are, you will get lots of support here.

Molly xx

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You thought you were doing the right thing by putting everyone's needs before your own. Sometimes in our youth, we can be naïve in that we truly believe we can ignore our desires, for what we think is a great good.

It sounds as if you are at a cross road.

I am not sure what your intentions are with the woman, but I would ask myself, am I prepared to live the rest of my life suppressing who I really am, or what I really need?

 

My relationship of 14 years recently ended due to my wanting to be out, as well as other things. It is gonna cause some collateral damage by being honest about things. And the best you can do is just try to be decent thru it all. You can't control how the other person reacts and you have to be prepared for anything. They will likely run the gamut of emotions, and that can sometimes be very back and forth. But from my experience, keeping it in just becomes more and more agonizing. I have 3 children myself and I am aware this causes a big change in the family dynamic that once was, but I am open and honest with my kids and they have been very cool about everything. They just want me happy.

 

I am right there with you. Married for 8 yrs settled on marriage to have a family and I have a 7 y.o.who is my life. Ive always known there was something different abt Me. I was never excited to see my husband (or any guys I dated before) and never wanted to have sex with him, or any guy really it was just something I did bc I was "supposed to". I may have lived this life forever if me and my best friend (whose life matched mine, unhappy settled upon marriage, In the marriage for the kids etc) didn't discover we fell in love with each other and formed a relationship. At first we hid it from our husbands, but we let them find out a few months ago.they are both extremely hurt and upset and its a huge complicated mess. We want to eventually divorce and start a life together and are seeing therapists but have to be patient and work for our husbands to be peaceful with us as of right now they are so mad they would fight us tooth and nail and we want to avoid nasty custody battles, etc. But on other hand life is short and we want to.be together to live the life we were meant to, so we are hopeful therapy will help everyone come to terms with the situation.

 

My ex and I were getting along terribly as is and finally it was just a matter of it HAD to end. And I told her if she didn't leave I would. Now, we have issues to sort out with custody and visitation and such, and I don't expect things to be civil at all. She blames me for brainwashing the kids and turning them against her. And soooo many homophobic things have crossed her lips. Just recently she told the kids she hoped I get f'ed then bashed. Funny, she is too blind to see such things form the opinion the girls have of her.
Anyway, my girls have been a blessing in all of this because they see that this is what's best, and they know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I love them.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? That wld be my recommendation. I just started seeing one bc I'm really depressed over the situation and it has helped sort some things out. My gf sees a therapist also.

 

With all due respect Closet...

Do you really have a good relationship with your inlaws? They don't even know who you are. You have to constantly sacrifice who you are, for their comfort.

Does that sound fair?

I don't want to come off unsympathetic, and I appreciate the journey ahead of you is hard, but you have the right to be happy.

 

It was falling in love with a woman and starting my first lesbian relationship, that eventually got me to come out to my husband of ten years, a little over a year ago. I have an 8 and 10 year old with him as well. I just wasn't wired for infidelity either, and I was immensely stressed before I cam out to him, even though I had a good feeling that coming out to him would instantly end our relationship, and things could get really ugly, it soon became clear that it was the only choice that made sense, and I made it, and I told him. I have never regretted doing it.

Think about yourself and what would make you feel happy and free and don't worry about the others. Your kids will get so much more out of their relationship with you, when you are no longer having to live a lie., and you will be showing them by example to never settle.

I think for me I realized that I was waiting for the right time to tell my husband, and I finally realized that there never was going to be a good time. He was never going to be happy for me and OK that I was doing what I was doing, so there was no point in waiting any longer.

Whatever you decide to do, and regardless of how long it takes you to act, or not act, you have my support. (*hug*)

 

I think what is most amazing is to see since deciding to just be out, I care so much more about wanting to take care of myself better. I've felt numb and sort of indifferent to things for so long and now I just feel lighter and less stressed.

 

OMG, this is so true for me too! My self esteem is SOOOOOO much better since I came out.

 

Welcome to EC! I hope we are able to help you figure out what your best outcome will be and how to manage moving forward. I'm bi and married with two kids. There are a lot of us here.

 

Closetgirlfear, don't beat yourself up about the affair. I'm in the same position - married, 2 kids who are my life, a loving husband who is really all anyone could want in a spouse...And I still went out and had an affair with my female best friend.

So babe - I'll tell you this as I keep telling myself this - it is going to be OK!!!

It really is. We may have some hard times in front of us figuring out our lives, but we will get through it and be stronger for it. We can do this.

(*hugs*)

 

My ex is always saying how she don't understand why I would "choose to be gay" over her. And every single thing about every facet of our life she seems oblivious too. The kids think she is mean and cruel and of course I get blamed for turning the kids against her. Now in the split I have had to start working 70 hour weeks to still pay bills, getting ready to have a drag out war about custody, soooo much to deal with and I feel like I don't know sometimes how I'm getting by. I barely am. However, thru it all, I still try to hold on to the fact that finally I can gain some closure in my life and hopefully move onto something that will just click more naturally.
Then only thing that matters is making sure the kids are OK thru everything and trying to still be supportive of them no matter what her and I go thru. I too wish there were some crystal ball, anything to at least show me all of this isn't gonna have been in vain. Having never physically been with a guy, there's a part that worries if I have over thought things and made them more than what they really are. I know thru a very strong attraction to a friend growing up, that an emotional connection with a guy IS very possible and I do look forward to the physical side later on.
Anyway, I just find it incredible that as alone as I feel, and I have nobody really, its comforting somewhat to see that so many people on here can relate.

 

Me too. Even though I have days where I'm dealing with floods of emotion over "wasted time" and the like, my overall state in general, like when I'm out with others, is better than it ever has been. I did read that coming out has been considered very healthy for people, even though the actual process itself causes a lot of turmoil. So, it does get better.
http://http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/coming-good-health-article-1.1250356

 

Don't worry. Your situation is quite common.

You have 3 choices:

1. Do nothing.
2. Mess around with women on the side. Lots of guys don't care if you do this.
3. Come out to everybody and make a big mess.

I think #2 is the obvious choice.

Good luck.

 

This was my experience too. For so long I have been keeping in control who I really was inside that I started having these "feeling split" experiences. When talking to people, friends, I was listening to me talking but in the same time I was thinking in my head "who is this person talking?". I ended up distancing myself so much from my true self, that I felt this split inside, like I was constantly acting.
This went on a long time but about two months ago I had some moments of clarity and allowed myself to see who I really am.

I'm not out yet to most people, but since I'm out to myself so many things changed, it's unbelievable. I'm more confident than I've ever been, I feel that sense of self I've never felt before, a strange new feeling of internal strength, I feel closer and am able to get close to people, which was something I've always struggled with.

Just yesterday I spoke with my mother on skype (I'm not out to her yet) and started feeling for the first time in my life this connection with her, this love I've never felt towards my parents. (We never really expressed emotions and love in our family).
I think after I opened myself up towards accepting and ultimately, loving who I am, I am finally able to feel more love and appreciation to people around me.

I'm also in a long term relationship with my boyfriend (though no kids), so this rollercoaster of emotions sometimes throws me in a pretty dark place, and it hurts like hell, but I'm trying to see it as unavoidable part of the process. I sometimes feel stuck too, since we are still living together, but I just know I cannot go back to where I was before. And I don't want to.
Also feel a lot of guilt, but eventually all I can do is to be empathetic towards my bf and recognize that he is in pain too.

You know, it's never worth it to deny who you are. I did this for so long just to fit in, and eventually it hit me, that people don't want to be around someone who is fake, people are actually attracted to the genuine in other people. So it was the opposite reaction, and I wasn't happy either.

To put it shortly, people who love you want you to be you. And others will be able to connect with you more easily if you are true to yourself (*hug*)

 

Hey Moonflower, this link didn't work for me. Could you double check it? Thx.

I also have a newfound confidence and desire to take care of myself. I'm the fittest I have ever been probably of my whole life. I recently heard second hand that someone who just met me thought I seemed so youthful. All good stuff.

Hang in there Closetgirlfear. One day you'll feel this good, too.