Should have put out more... ?

I am just fully coming out now at 38 and feel the exact same. I tried at different time when I was younger to be out but always seemed to shuffle back in. I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone to show interest in you on a deeper level. Personally, I hate the idea of casual sex and would be put off by someone showing such a single minded interest. I have only been in hetero relationships before and any casual things (just a few) just happened and I thought little of them. To be with a guy tho, to me I want to feel an emotional connection. Maybe it's because I am a more submissive type and feel I'd be giving so much more of myself......

 

Thanks for sharing btw! We gay people don't really have convenient or comfortable ways of exploring our sexuality, so don't feel down. A lot of gay people, young and old, don't have highly active sex lives simply because finding our needs and supportive partners can be harder for us. I'm in my early twenties now and don't have a sex life at all lol. I want one, but I have yet to meet another gay man I connect with on a sexual level. And about a decade ago, the primary means for gay men to explore their sexuality were seedy and underground (still now sometimes but not as much). Navigating sex as a gay person is very complex at times. We want to have sex, we want to explore, but sometimes the opportunities are not present. I really wish things were easier for us tho honestly. But my man your not alone, trust me.

 

Hello,

Exactly the same situation as you. I thought I was gay at the age of about 16, tried to go to some gay clubs and kissed a girl when I was 18, tried to come out when I was 19 but was told that it was probably just a phase and felt relieved so happily went back in the closet.

Age 23 knew I was gay but the local gay club had closed down by that point and I didn't have the confidence, time or money to go to a club in London by myself. I soon found myself with a group of nice strait friends and no opportunity to be involed with any gay scene. I kissed another person at the age of 29 but they said that only kissed me for a joke. I am now 37 and have never had sex or had much opportunity to explore my sexuality very much.

This has had a negative impace on my confidence and on other aspects of my life such as conforming to what people expect of me and not doing what I want.

Sorry for going on about myself, but please know that you are not alone with feeling like you have let things pass you by.

You have had some sexual experience just try to build up your confidence again and if you meet someone nice who you would like to have a sexual relationship with keep your lack of experience to yourself, let him take the lead and learn as you go along. People will think that you are being respectful to what they want in a sexual relationship rather than doing what you want.

Hope this advice helps and you can feel more confident in the future. Molly xx

 

Hi Dave,

The only advice I can give is to stick to your principles and to be yourself. you seem to know who you are and what you want from a relationship and so far haven't compromised this. Dont worry about the men you think are pittying you they are not worth it. It is far better to be single than to do what others think you should and end up feeling bad about yourself.

As i said before I spent my 20s and early 30s trying to be something I was not just to fit in with other people and now I completly regret it. It is so very important to be who you are and find someone who respects you for who you are. How would you feel if you became the "slut" that these men expect you to be and ended up getting used.

Be youself and you will find the person who is right for you, try to be something that you are not and this will never happen.

Much Love Molly xxx

 

Yeah if guys don't like shy guys, then I'd be pretty screwed as well.

 

Dave - Are you looking to gain more confidence with your sexual skills OR are you looking for a boyfriend who will appreciate you for who you are?

I've found that self-confidence is extremely important when dating, possibly second only to looks. Sexual self-confidence is a part of that, so I can imagine why you might want to be somewhat slutty just to gain more confidence.

However, I also wonder if your shyness is more because that's who you are vs. a lack of experience or confidence. I see the difference as being very important because the guys who don't have much time for you now are really only interested in sex, not who you are as a person. If they were genuinely interested in YOU, they'd enthusiastically embrace your shyness because that's who you are.

I wonder if you're meeting potentially compatible men in the right places. Bars and hook-up apps are mostly about meeting for sex. Social groups, shared interest groups and dating sites are more about making friends and getting to know people, often with an eye toward finding a relationship.

My suggestion is that you be confident in who are as a person and find the right venues where your best qualities will be appreciated. This approach might not bring quick satisfaction but it is more likely to bring long-term fulfillment.

 

… the trouble is the ones you notice happen to be the loud and in-your-face ones… the other shy ones sort of blend in to the background
but they are there and all around you !! You just got to bump in to one :icon_bigg

 

Dave,

I'm almost 71, and just came out of the closet 18 months ago after being married to a woman for 28 years. I'd never even held hands with a guy until a year ago. So try to imagine how much behind the curve I felt! And I still do from time to time...

I tried hooking up with guys for a very short while, but found it incredibly frustrating and unsatisfying. So for the last 6 months, I've changed my attitude. I don't know whether I want a long-term relationship at my age, but I need an emotional connection at least as strong as the physical one, and I say so whenever I meet a guy. If he's not interested, fine, but even at my age, there are a lot of guys out there. And I've formed some pretty strong connections with a couple--connections so strong that the sex becomes transformative in a way.

But I have found guys who like me for who I am--not terribly self-confident, somewhat shy and insecure at first, and definitely inexperienced. But also kind, smart, funny, and caring. And so will you.

 

This is lovely. And such a good reminder to those of us who feel "old" at 25, 35, 45...it is never too late. Well said. :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

 

Hi,

That seediness of the 60-70's still exists. Name a hookup app and it is populated and lurked by MANY Babyboomers who think love is their next ejaculation with a different partner.

This affects the younger generation's culture but they are improving.

Nothing wrong with waiting for love as long as you are looking.

 

Hear, hear. I wish you nothing but the best, it seems as if you have come to a place where you are ready to give, and receive some real love. It is good to put those wishes out into the world, it allows them to come back to you.

And StillAround, thank you so much for sharing your story on this thread.

 

Sex is not something you "offer someone on a plate," it's something you share. Whether the person you share it with is a lover or an acquaintance matters not; what matters is that you both enter into it of your own free will and for whatever reasons make sense to each of you (not necessarily the same). It seems to me you're objectifying sex the way some people objectify virginity—you don't want to "give it up" without some sort of quid pro quo.

 

BidiKlum and Viator,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It took over 50 years of knowing I'm gay to accept myself. In the last year or so, I've come to celebrate myself. What a difference!

So many of us here, after years of repressing our own desires, start out thinking that we need to find someone to share our lives with. But the truth, I think, is that we have to be truly comfortable within our own bodies and minds before we're ready for that search. We first have to figure out who we really are and what we really want.

At that point, though, at least we'll be reaching out from a point of openness, authenticity, and integrity.

 

Dave,

like i said before, stick to your values but be open to new experiences and dont do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you meet someone you like and who likes you that will be willing to support you through your experiences of sex. Try to be confident and friendly and if you meet someone you like spend some time with them and slowly explain your lack of experience. Is the issue that you are coming across as unconfident and telling the men you meet strait away that you are inexperienced. Are they asking you about sex strait away, you dont have to tell them about what you have or havent done.

Hope you are ok. Molly xx