I guess this is kind of an introduction, my story, as it were/is. My name isn't Cameron, but please call me that, I would take it as my name if I could. I have always disliked gender. I always used products marketed for men because I didn't like all the "girly crap" I always hated swearing dresses. They are pretty, and I do like wearing them sometimes now....well, i you saw the ones my mother made me and my sisters, you'd understand! lol I like plain, simple, non-complicated things. I like, and have jewelry but rarely wear it. I find it cumbersome. It wasn't until my late 20's that I started using womens deodorant. Anyway, the point of all this is that I dislike gender labels and I prefer neutral pronouns, though female pronouns are ok because I present as female more often than not. I am with a man because I have been struggling with my self and my sexuality quite aggressively over the past year. I've always identified as Bi but every time I have aver been in a relationship with a man it's great at first but I just lose interest. Rather quickly. I only fantasize about women. Male ejaculate makes me dry heave and even now when I am with my boyfriend the thought of sex repulses me. I don't want to kiss or touch him. in any way. I have picked fights over stupid things just so I can be angry and not have sex. I don't hide my sexual orientation. I have been with women over the years so I know what the sex and relationships are like. I attend all the pride gatherings, I attend the find raisers, My facebook even says I like women(though it still says i like men as well) I have a rainbow sticker on my vehicle, and I wear a lapel pin of a heart rainbow at work. I (somewhat)actively pursue relationships with women, and I have a crush or two... I just can't wrap my head around breaking up with him. There are children, I have 3, he has 2...none shared. Still, we have been together for 3.5 years and living together for half that. drop in a bucket, sure but the kids are attached. We have a nice home, 2 vehicles blah blah blah... my 2 older kids will be happy about it, my younger one is only 4 so he doesn't remember when the BF wasn't around. don't know what I am afraid of. Happiness? freedom? Myself? Hurting him? Hurting me? I was able to ruin my marriage in a matter of hours, but this, I can't seem to do. I don't know if i can stand putting someone through that again.... I know, my own happiness is the only one I am responsible for, however I was raised to be a people pleaser who turns the other cheek and all that. Its is difficult to reject ones deeply ingrained upbringing like that. I also know that it hurts even more to let my own bitterness and unhappiness fester in the relationship. I googled some of my fears trying to find others who felt the same/similar which is how i found this site. After reading a bit I feel so at home here, thank you to those who have shared, and thanks in advance for all your friendliness and support.
Hi Cameron, Welcome. Glad ur feeling at home here. There are so many here with similar stories to urs I hope you are able to find comfort in the fact that there are others struggling along with you in this journey and you have support here. I cannot say that my journey is exactly the same. I have been married for over ten years and have two kids. I fell in love with my best friend when I was in high school and so began a twenty year torturous push and pull with her. We were always best friends, never together, but did have an emotional affair. I thought my feing said were just for her...that u did not feel that way about other women. Well I was wrong. Being brought up in religious schools my entire life I followed the path that was laid out for me, not the one I wanted to take. Now I am finally discovering who I am, and I feel stuck. Leaving to pursue the life I want would cause so much turmoil and well it's complicated. So I understand. I don't have a lot to offer by way of advice Bc I am still on this journey, however just wanted you to know you're not alone. There is a lot of individuals on here who offer great insight and advice. I have been told to "just do me", be me, whatever that looks Lik to just do me. I would repeat that to you. Just be you. However you want to dress, whomever you want to love-be you. Kids are resilient. Kinda will appreciate you standing up for urself and being true to you. I know this is a process and I am still working on it as well. But it is good advice. Good luck....always here to listen...
don't know what I am afraid of. Happiness? freedom? Myself? Hurting him? Hurting me? Hi Cameron, Glad you are here. I also just found this place a couple of weeks ago, and it's been helpful. Of course it isn't going to solve all our problems, but at least we aren't alone - and have an outlet to process our thoughts! I am also in a relationship, married - no kids - but the relationship really complicates the whole issue surrounding sexual identity. Especially when the relationship isn't all bad - it's definitely not great right now - but it has it's ups. I am in a place where I'm wondering if I would just be using my sexuality as an excuse to leave - or if I am not being true to myself for staying. Also - I feel like I need to have more time before I can make any kind of decision. The thought of "maybe I am bisexual, not gay, and he and I are just in a bad spot". Another thought that makes me feel really guilty for some reason, is maybe I am bisexual, but I just was never really sexually attracted to him as an individual. It's hard to see the past clearly and be subjective. I hope you keep posting, and I hope you figure out what you want to do.
Welcome Cameron. I have an 8 and 10 year old myself, and I was married when I first came out. I can identify with a lot of what you said, to the point that I want to throw an idea at you. It's true for me, but may not be for you, so try it on, and if it doesn't fit, toss it. I was very confused and frustrated about gender for years, and identified very poorly with anything feminine. I was always attracted to a certain kind of man, and through the years, I realized that yes, I was very attracted to say, Brad Pitt, but I didn't actually want to have sex with him. If I fantasized about him, or another man, it would be the man having sex with another woman...and later down the line I realized I actually wanted to be the men. these men who were my type, were who I wanted to be. Long story short, and numerous ah ha moments later... I wanted to be these men, so that I could have sex with women, not because I wanted to be a man These men that I wanted to be, were also my masculinity identifying with something familiar.... Once I realized that I was just a lesbian, who was very hot for women, and identified with men because I was also very masculine, for the first time, I started feeling good about my gender, and being a woman, who happened to be very masculine. Just because you find someone hot, does not mean you are sexually attracted to them, and that is how you seem to describe your experiences with men. This was a big part of my confusion too...but again, I didn't want to do the guys, I realized I wanted to be the guys. Still to this day, I'd love to look like Brad Pitt...but now I'd like to look that way with women's equipment, because I've excepted that I'm gay. LOL. I'm also happy not looking like Brad Pitt too, just saying. If this is not you, no problem, I was just putting it out here in case it helped. At the very least, you know a little more about me now.
Welcome Cameron! I'd like to just chip in and say I recognize the "not feeling comfortable wearing girly crap" thing. Also what Sue Baloo said - for half my life I've been very attracted to a certain type of masculine man, with a certain charisma / energy, until I realized that I identified with him. I'd fantasize about meeting him and him doing things to me, but strangely enough, I never wanted to move, I'd be completely passive. I just wanted to experience his energy. Then one day it clicked and I was like, "I am that man". I'm a man. And I've always felt that way. As a young child I heard the word "androgynous" for the first time and I was like "that's me". I'm a woman, too. It does make sense. It's just something that's felt on the inside. I want all those qualities of that masculine man - no, I already possess them. I can step up and own them, if I dare. I have realized something funny. All my life I've felt bothered from being treated like a woman by men, simple things like them holding up doors for me. Now I notice that I want to hold up doors for women. I want to take care of them like that... be a gentleman in some ways. At the same time I'm a woman and I don't want to change anything about my body. I love the idea of me as a woman being with another woman. But I'm also a man... I guess that's what gender fluidity can look like.
You may be onto something, I very much identify with what you said, both of you! This puts a new spin on my pondering!
