Moving Back...Maybe

If you need to do it for financial reasons, as you suggest, then you need to do what you need to do. And we all need to survive. So no harm no foul.

If your doing it for some other reason, then think hard about it; I would not be surprised if the move back brings significant complications.

On the journey, doubts always arise. When they do, you need to have the proverbial "blinders" on and keep looking forward.

Only you can determine if it's in your best interest to move back.

 

I came out to my wife 14 months ago. We're still living together in the same house, in an arrangement similar to the one your wife has proposed (she has the upstairs bedrooms and bathroom; I, the downstairs). We often eat together, but otherwise pursue our independent lives. No children involved and we're both dating.

In general, it works pretty well, though we recently hit a bump in the road when my wife wanted to "entertain" her bf here overnight, rather than at his place. I felt like I couldn't stay in the house, not because I was in any way jealous, but because I didn't want to have to make small talk with him when we intersected in the kitchen, living room, etc., at least that particular evening (I just wasn't in the mood.) So I left the house but felt resentful; it was as if I had no privacy or place to call my own. We discussed it the next day and agreed that neither of us would have friends over, other than for dinner or a drink, when the other was here or likely to be here. I think that will work, though we still plan to establish separate residences eventually.

Your sense that you might be moving backward resonates with me: although I don't feel like I'm moving backward, I do feel like I'm not really moving forward. It really is rather comfortable here, and I'm loathe to leave. But I do know that as a gay man, I need to live independently for a while. And that includes not moving in with some other guy, either as a roommate or partner, until I've come to terms with living on my own.

 

Hi tscott,

A quote I keep posted these days is "what screws us up most is the picture in our heads of how it's supposed to be."
I think you will eventually know what it is you want and need to do - even if it feels unconventional (or not). I always find that it's important to discuss all expectations, needs, wants and potential areas of failure with the person you are entering into a new situation with.
I hope you figure out what will work best for you and your family! You want to be happy with the arrangement, or there will be a constant underlying regret/resentment that is hard to hide from kids and family.

 

tscott, I just reread your original post and something else struck me. You said you'd be moving back to the suburbs, which would entail cutting yourself off from gay friends, businesses, etc. I think that would be a big red flag, for me at least — I already live close enough to the "gayborhood" that access to all things gay is not a problem for me. Sometimes just being able to go for a walk knowing most everyone around me is gay is enormously comforting. I would definitely feel isolated out in the burbs. Discussing it with your therapist before making any decision seems eminently sensible to me.

 

To be able to live, full time, under the same roof with my children again; would mean a great deal to me. though living with my former wife would be too high a price to pay. Giving up the ready independence that you have come to know, in the name of spending time with your family, may just something worth trading, in consideration of the bigger picture.

 

Unless you'd regret giving up your current apartment, it doesn't sound like you have much to lose. If you end up feeling frustrated or boxed-in, you can always move out again.

Moving back is more of an experiment than a permanent life decision.

 

A good point. Perhaps if you do move back in, plan to "review" the decision in, say, a month or two to see if things are working.

No matter what...I think any decision carries both pluses and minuses. The best you can do is find the best possible solution for now, and be willing to change as circumstances change.

 

Insider info...

Biting tongue. See the blood?

Why say what you already know.

 

Really tough call, and it sounds like the pluses and minuses basically cancel each other out. Just don't forget about the intangibles, like the effect this might have on your self-esteem and identity. As you say in your last paragraph, there might be things that you would have to curtail, and are you ready to accept that? Would it feel too much like going back into the closet? I don't recall your kids' ages, the youngest in particular, but how long is it really before she can come and go as she pleases? Do be certain that this is best for all concerned, you included. A small kitchen and no yard is a small price to pay for the ability to be your own person, but if you can see value for all concerned, and are confident you won't lose yourself in the process, then it's certainly worth considering.

One question, though. There's no one in your life right now. Will you be more or less likely to meet someone while living at the house? And if you do find someone, what impact might that have on your relationship? (OK, 2 questions.) I had planned on living with my wife until our youngest graduated from high school in 2019, but meeting someone out of the blue completely changed the timeline and expectations. While you can't make decisions based entirely on what-ifs, they are certainly worth speculating about. Really, though, it comes down to: would this be something you could live with, without compromising who you have make such an effort to be?

 

A thought along these lines hit me, as well. Plus a Murphy's Law type law came to me--the minute you are back in a situation where your dating is limited (e.g. no over night visitors) could well be the minute you meet someone. :lol:

This aside...

The question of whether or not you'd meet someone is something worth considering.

The impact of dating while living in the house, however, seems to me to be a "future worry." At least as long as you avoid making longer term commitments (e.g. "I'll live in the house until the youngest has finished high school!")

 

If you have worked out ALL your past issues with your ex it could work. Are you comfortable hanging out with her as friends? Have you established well defined boundaries in your current relationship with her?
I think you should sit down with her and both of you should bring a list of questions and concerns moving forward.

 

((((((((( Scotty ))))))))))) (Tim), good to see you again!

Difficult decision. It sounds fraught, frankly. Not un-doable, but definitely fraught. There will be unanticipated downsides, whether or not you meet someone immediately after moving. While you're living under her roof (and make no mistake that it is her roof, even if you're paying rent or somesuch), she will have some degree of power over you that she currently does not. I get that it's amicable...but these things manifest themselves in complicated ways...or become complicated in ways they were not.

But I also understand the benefits you cite. I can't give an automatic "no" to this. But neither can I say "what do you have to lose?"

Just a question for information's sake. You say no overnight guests. Will the same apply to her, should *she* meet someone immediately after you would move back? I dislike inequity when it is simply a fact of life...I despise it when it is codified.

I am thrilled to hear that you won't make a decision without talking with your therapist...sounds like an extremely smart move.

I'm really sorry I don't have anything more definite to say. The fact is that I don't know you well and I don't know her at all. Feasibility could come down to very person-specific factors like how likely is she to use power that she has over you, or if you do meet someone (sooner or later), how comfortable will you be spending nights away, how comfortable will she be with that, and would she do anything about it?

I can say this: accusations of status-chasing are stupid and should be ignored. At least, that's a dumb reason to move unless you feel downright threatened where you are...and that doesn't sound like it's the case.

Good luck, and let us know what happens either way! *hugs*

 

I went through some hard times on my own and unemployed. I could have run home to my wife or mommy where it would be safe and easy but I sruck it out.

Turned out to be the most educational period of my life.

I even brought friends home when i lived in a rooming house which had no kitchen and the shared bathroom was down the hall. Funny thing... Real friends don't care about that.

Truly glad I did what I had to do to survive as an independent adult.

 

Hi tscott,

I moved out of our house a month ago. Personally, I would lose a lot by moving back, even though on the surface things look OK.
You said: The kids know I'm gay and my Ex most certainly does.

So, maybe she doesn't know? Can you expect awkward situations? Unplesant little comments? Will she fully accept your way of life without judging or regrets?

 

I found this really interesting and just wanted to say that if all other things are equal, I would do it for the sake of your child(ren). In a few years even the youngest will be so busy that they won't have a lot of time for you, but those early-teenage years can be tough and I'm sure they would love to have their dad back in their life more full-time.

On the same note, though, I wouldn't move back in with the idea that you could move out again in a few months without any repercussions. I guess the kid(s) would have a hard time understanding that a move back out wasn't a reflection on them (cause, you know, until at least 18 the world revolves around them! )

My father left our lives when I was 19 and my youngest sibling was about the age of your child, and I see the effect that had on him. Different situation completely but it makes me extra sensitive to these kinds of things.

Anyway, so I guess what I'm saying is that you should consider this from your kids perspective as well. Not that you aren't doing that already...

Keep us updated and good luck!!

 

Is there a legitimate reason for moving back in? The best person to answer that question is you. How do you define what is and isn't a legitimate reason? Well, I guess a legitimate reason has substance to it and can be explained well and in depth. When you speak to your therapist, I would imagine he/she will ask you to outline the reasons in depth, so it's probably a good idea to consider all of this now.

Personally, I wouldn't return. It may be convenient, it may be good for the kids, but is it really good for you? I have my doubts.

 

Weigh the positive and the negatives. In this case, you might have to give these positives and negatives different weight.

The biggest positives seem to be financial and being close to your kids.

The biggest negatives seem to be an independent life for you unfolding and any effects on your ex wife and you, and which may not be apparent to either of you in the short-term.

I do not see this as running back to whomever. I've seen divorced couples move back together again after outright affairs because of financial reasons, so this isn't the first time.

Like everyone else said, this should be viewed as temporary and that sounds exactly like the way you're viewing it.

 

Hi

The interesting point is a woman with no financial concerns asked her ex to move back over money concerns.

It was not tscott asking to move back over money.

Are there motivators of hers that are not obvious?

Why did she ask?