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Borderline Personality Disorder

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bearheart, Aug 20, 2015.

  1. bearheart

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    Hi,
    I'm posting this mainly to vent out a little with this community, since I do not know where or whom to talk to at the moment. I'm planning a visit with my therapist soon too, hopefully he also can help me figure things out.

    I'm still married for more than 20 years, have two kids (college and high school age), and now am trying to understand why my wife treats me like hell at many occasions. Her anger is uncontrollable and lately she actually reached a point of loud an unacceptable insulting and cursing stage. Her anger is unexplainable to me, nothing makes sense on what makes her mad. Which lead me to research this and found that Borderline Personality Disorder fits her very well. I read a whole book (Stop Walking on Eggshells...) in two days and couldn't put it down because most of what's in it resonated with me. It described many things that are actually happening in my life. From since, I kept reading about this disorder and every day, in some online forums, I find stories of others who are experiencing almost the same episodes that I went through with my wife. They brought to me memories of unexplained issues and situations.

    My greatest worry is that I could be trying to convince myself that my wife has the disorder in order to make a reasonable excuse for a divorce/separation, which would help me tremendously in living my true identity. I don't want to be unfair to her. My wife has been calm for a couple of weeks .. and I am waiting for another eruption soon. I was advised earlier that I should leave her, at least temporarily, when she exceeds the limit of acceptable anger/rage, but I've never done so, I always kept my calm (which makes her even angrier), and tried not to reply to any of her accusations or irrelevant questions. I started to look around for another place to stay when the next eruption happens, and I laid the ground for my kids that this might be a possibility in the future. They didn't like it, but at the same time they didn't have an answer to why their mother is acting as such nor they had a different solution for me.

    Again, I appreciate any comments, help, directions, this post is mainly to release some of my inner conflicts and confused feelings with an understanding community.
    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. bi2me

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    Would your wife be open to trying therapy? Are you in therapy? I have heard that that book is a good one. (*hug*)
     
  3. bearheart

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    I'm seeing my therapist since November 2014 on and off, he was actually the one who mentioned to me that I should investigate what an abusive relationship is and what a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is too, which lead me to reading about the different personality disorders (and BPD in specific).

    A while ago, I mentioned to my wife that she should consult with a therapist/counselor for anger management (before I read about those disorders I mentioned earlier) and she stressed that: "You are not going to make me feel like I am a mad person, I am not, you are the one who's sick". It'll be extremely difficult to convince her to see a therapist in my opinion. May be if I temporarily left (due to her rage) and made it as a precondition to my return? Who knows.
     
  4. bi2me

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    I think you have to be prepared to leave fairly permanently if you make that a condition. My husband (before we were married) got really depressed for a time, and lied to me about several things as part of it. I broke up with him (fully intending to get back together with him) with the condition that he go to therapy and get himself together before I would consider dating him again. We were broken up for about 4 months, which was a little awkward because we were living together (with other people too) at the time, before we got back together. His dad is anti-therapy, and I knew he would need a lot of motivation to get himself into therapy.
     
  5. Lindsey23

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    I think that's a good idea. It might be helpful for her to see a medical doctor as well. They can test for certain hormone imbalances that affect behavior. It's worth looking into anyway. Good luck, I know it's tough.
     
  6. Choirboy

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    My ex-wife has uncanny similarities to yours, bearheart. In fact, a big part of the decision to come out was the realization that she would never change, and I couldn't live the rest of my life waiting for the next blowup. Coming out was in some ways an excuse to escape her, albeit one I had considered for a long time because I did know I was gay. I did love her, and still care about her, because I know that she's a very messed up person and may never realize how difficult she really is.

    Something to give you a little hope, however, is that as you become more secure with who you are, you'll be less affected by the blowup and will find it easier to stand up to them. That has thrown her off balance enough that they have become less frequent and less intense, because she knows deep inside that they're simply not effective anymore. My ex is now much easier to deal with and we are actually approaching a rather unique friendship. But it will always be largely one sided, like Hoke and Miss Daisy, because normal relationships are difficult for her. I think a lot of gay men who get into straight marriages seem to gravitate towards women like that.
     
  7. CameronBayArea

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    This may come off as flippant but I really don't mean it to be...

    The way I read your original post is that you're asking if it's OK to leave your wife because she treats you poorly.

    The answer is YES!

    Will she ever forgive you? NO! That's how BPD works...it's everyone else's fault.

    My understanding is there is no treatment for BPD. Your wife will never change so if you want to live a happier, more fulfilling and authentic life, *ALL* of the burden to make that change is on you.

    Exiting a marriage with a BPD person is hell. Again, that's how BPD works.

    There is no easy solution here but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness - even when you live in a state of shock from being under constant attack.

    I suggest that you find a local support group. You need friends who will stand by you no matter what.
     
  8. looking for me

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    this sounds like my STBX do you have kids? take them and run. no kids? run like hell. i spent way too many years getting abused mentaly, physically, and emotionaly all the while being told it was my fault, and believing it for way too long. i have never felt so good as i did when that weight was lifted off my shoulders. it allowed me to come out to myself, my kid, and live for the first time in years.
     
  9. Sue Baloo

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    Sounds like my kids' dad too. We aren't officially divorce, but I came out to him over a year ago and I have slept in the living room since. (I'm in school to get a degree so I can afford to move out) He is just an ass. The kids even know that and they are only 8 and 10. The three of us can't wait for me to get my degree.

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2015 at 02:39 PM ----------

    I really need to point out that we are throwing around the term Borderline Personality Disorder with out a real diagnosis, and with out any compassion. A lot of us have or have had very unhealthy partners before we came out, and what I am saying does not take away from that, I just want to say that we shouldn't slam people with Borderline Personality Disorder, in case any of out EC members have that diagnosis themselves, and they deserve to be accepted with out judgement just like anyone else.
     
  10. Faazi

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    I have a sister who is like that. I havent spoken to her in two years because it is just too much. She firmly believes that I am the one who sets her off and everything that goes wrong is my fault. Its bad enough having a sibling like that, so I can't imagine the hell that those of you with spouses with this mental challenge have had to live with. Yes, I have the "Walking on Eggshells" book too, and my sister is definitely the one who needs help.

    But, I have been the only one who has been to a therapist. It becomes an essential for both/all who have to live around these mood swings. You have to work at extricating yourself from this situation. It kills the spirit and then again, you have to find a life to live and be true to yourself. It is going to be difficult, but it will be worth the struggle, for your happiness.
     
  11. skiff

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    You cannot fix others. You can only fix yourself.
     
  12. ArtisticWoman

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    Hia

    This seems very famillar to me. My mother is this way. She can flip into insane rage in an instant over seemingly nothing. And I have a form of this too, only mine isn't experienced in terms of anger, but bouts of overwhelming, unmanagable emotion. My diagnosis is complex PTSD, which is post traumatic stress disorder caused by trauma experienced in childhood (mother's rages and unpredictability). And I wondered at one point if I had BPD and explored that. But someone, thank god, once said to me, "try not to think of your life in terms of what's wrong with me, but rather what has happened TO me". That led me to take a road that says I can fix this thing. It's not something that is inherent in me, its a normal response to an abnormal situation.

    Family alcoholism, experiences of sexual, physical, verbal, mental and other abuses, and abandonment, can all cause trauma. Heck. Even a parent who often walks around with an angry look on their face can cause trauma to a child who perceives the parent as unsafe (I want to connect with mom but she's angry, I can't go there).

    I don't know if this is helpful at all. I'm not trying to diagnose or anything like that. My thinking is that strange behaviours surely have a root, and I'm finding they're often related to some kind of trauma. Or maybe that's just my life experiences talking. I'm quite sure my mom has complex PTSD. I've heard stories from her childhood.

    There's an author called Bessel Van Der Kolk, who is thought to be one of the worlds leading authorities on trauma. You could try reading Body Keeps The Score, but honestly, its not going to help if you read it. If she does have PTSD-C, or BPD, or any number of conditions, she's the one who has to do the work, not you. Her refusal to get help is not your fault and its not your responsibility to make her get help.

    I want to add, as others have said, it's ok for you to leave. I have spent almost two decades trying to figure this stuff out. If your wife decided tomorrow to start holding herself responsible for her own behaviour, it would be a long road to her finding relief. Your unhappiness, regardless of whether it is caused by your wife's behaviour or because you want to pursue your true path is very important. Its ok for you to do what is right for you. You must love you!! Do what you need to do.

    I hope this helped.
    Warm hugs for you, Bearheart.
     
  13. nerdbrain

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    Hi Bearheart,

    It seems to me that your wife's diagnosis isn't really the major issue here -- the immediate reason to consider leaving would be that you're gay, IMO.

    That said, if she is borderline, that is a very difficult situation as it is nearly untreatable. It's no surprise she is uninterested in therapy. You should consider how to protect yourself and your children, without isolating her in such a way as to make her lash out. Also, despite (or because of) her condition, she is suffering too, so some compassion is in order.
     
  14. TheStormInside

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    Whether she has Borderline or not, it sounds like your wife mistreats you, and that's reason enough not to stay. Additionally, your profile says you are gay, which is another very big reason why you may want to consider separation, for both of your sake's.

    A former roommate and very close friend of mine was diagnosed Borderline. She's since been diagnosed Bipolar, but I am not sure if that was a "replacement" for the borderline diagnosis or in addition to. Either way, I've witnessed the rages and emotional explosions you describe. Fortunately they've been (with me) few and far between. The way she describes herself in the past, it seems like she's come a long way, and I also know she works very hard to manage her illnesses. So, I would not be so quick to dismiss someone just because they have BPD. She's been an invaluable friend to me for many years. That having been said, though, not everyone is willing to take care of themselves or work on themselves in the way she has. I've experienced just the opposite with my ex, who had severe depression, lapsed in and out of treatment, lied about medication, was frequently suicidal, and so on.

    So I guess I mean to echo some of the other posters' sentiments here, finding a diagnosis for your wife isn't really the most important issue here. Armchair psycholog-izing probably isn't the safest or fairest thing to do, either. What does your therapist have to say about your marital issues, and potential separation?
     
  15. bearheart

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    Thanks Lindsey23, never crossed my mind that a medical doctor might be of help in my wife's situation. Will consider it when time comes. Thanks.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:29 PM ----------

    It is painful to think that one can get such a treatment from someone so close. I can't understand why some people like to hurt others? what's the joy of doing so? I've be feeling better now I know clearly what my wife's all about. We are kind of isolated emotionally and physically for more than a month now. Hopefully I can reach some peace of mind soon.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:32 PM ----------

    The problem is that she is not officially diagnosed with BPD, it is my only interpretation of her actions, and my main worry is that I would be making up this whole BPD thing just to justify separation. I'm confused. And I know that if a divorce happens, she'll never forgive me, and I'll be the bad guy in all of her stories to others, especially our kids and her family. I reached a point that I really don't care .. may be numb of the whole situation.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:38 PM ----------

    My kids are grown ups, daughter is 21 the son is 16. They are already involved in the conflict, since my wife started talking/complaining to the my daughter, who tried to mediate, I started to be open with her too. The whole thing is stressful on my 16 years old son though, I talk to him all the time about the conflicts between me and his mother .. it is too complicated for him. They both understand that their mother has a severe temper, but no one knows that I'm gay nor that their mother's symptoms are very close to BPD/NPD.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:42 PM ----------

    I totally agree, especially that I read, on many occasions, the BPDs can actually work their problems out, it is hard on them as for the non-BPDs. But they should realize that working their problems would need admitting having them first, then seeking professional help, otherwise they'll be trapped in their disorder, they'll suffer, and will make close ones suffer too.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:45 PM ----------

    Thanks Faazi, I'll keep this in mind. I also am the only one who's seeing a therapist too. I don't believe that my wife would consider that, unless she has no choice, her ego is more important than anything in the world and she would avoid looking week or having a problem at any expense. I hope that she proves me wrong.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 03:50 PM ----------

    ArtisticWoman, thank you very much for the warm and assuring reply.
     
  16. MOGUY

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    Bearheart,
    I feel for you, buddy. Please keep us updated as to how you're doing. Take care of yourself.
     
    #16 MOGUY, Aug 23, 2015
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  17. looking for me

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    what i bolded reflects my experience, my son is 17 and the wife and i split when he was 14. and he was involved and very negatively effected, i had no real preception of how deep this was till we got away from her and now he's getting better (we both are). he knows i am Bi and Trans (bigender) and accepts me wholeheartedly, she still doesn't know. i can tell you that flowers dont blossem when they are walked on all the time, my son and i are both blosseming since we got out from under the foot of that situation. who knows, you and your son may as well, make sure he has an open avenue to you whenever he needs to.
    (*hug*)
     
  18. SiennaFire

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    Unfortunately the title of the book, the behaviors you posted, and the behaviors discovered scanning the book on Amazon resonate way too much for me, specifically, the behavior of my wife. I'm going to read this book and see if it can help me confront some of her bad behaviors. Thanks for posting.

    Based on my experience, if you come out as gay you are likely to add fuel to the fire and your life will descend further into hell (the loud yelling will turn into hurtful remarks about your sexuality). I'm writing this so you are properly prepared should you choose this path of coming out as part of the divorce process. It is clear that separation/divorce is called for and that you need to come out. You may want to consult with a divorce attorney (preferably one that's LGBTQ friendly) about the best strategy for divorce (that is, the best time to come out given you are separating/divorcing) and continue to discuss with your therapist as well.
     
    #18 SiennaFire, Aug 25, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2015