I've been writing here before, from when I (re)started questioning myself, about a month ago (though in a more passive way I've been questioning since my teens...). Anyway, since my first post on this forum things have really been speeding up, I feel more and more confident about who I am, even though I still have moments of doubt and questioning sometimes. The only two people I told besides writing here on EC are my therapist (who after two sessions told me that she doesn't think she could offer me any help from her side and suggested to find an LGBT organisation and talk to someone there...felt a bit abandoned or kicked out, but maybe she's right) and about a month ago I told my boyfriend of 8 years that I'm questioning. Now I started feeling that I really want and need to talk to someone about this, someone I know in real life. Not sure why, but the feeling of wanting to tell people, or more like for people to know is getting stronger and stronger. I have two people in my mind to whom I would tell. One is a friend of mine from highschool, she is living in a different country, but from next year most probably will move here, in the country and city I live in. We are pretty close, though I've always kept a distance between me and female friends, as I see it now it was a stupid strategy to convince myself that I was really straight... I think she would be shocked, though she knows that my relationship with my bf is not going very well lately. But not sure how she would take it to find out about me after this long time of knowing each other and seeing me in relationships with men, and also I don't know about her take on LGBT issues... But last time we talked she told me if I needed to talk to someone about my relationship issues or anything I can call her even in the middle of the night if I need to. The other person I was thinking to tell is a coworker, and this is a bit tricky, I know her for about half a year, but we started hanging out especially since the last month, since my relationship with my bf is not so great. Lately we've been hanging out a lot, going to see movies together (she usually goes alone everywhere but kept asking me if I want to go with her and so I did). Also been going to lunches together, so basically we spend a lot of time with each other. Thing is I started having a mild to intense crush on her, and wanting to be with her more and more. At the beginning I thougt I'm just pushing myself to have feelings for her but I don't think so. I just want to be with her all the time, feeling lost and dizzy when I look into her eyes, she has this amazing smile, fantasizing about kissing her, holding her hand... The problem is I'm pretty sure she is straight, so I walked into this trap created by myself, but that's it, I'm there. So I was really thinking to come out to her, though she will be leaving the country in a couple of weeks :icon_sad: But maybe that's why it would be easier to tell her. I already let out some hints about me dealing with some issues and now she is very curious to find out. Also not sure if I should tell her that I have this crush on her as well... And last, but not least I decided to really come out to my boyfriend because both of our lives is hell right now as we are living together and not really communicating since I told him about the questioning. I'm just trying to figure out how much to tell him. Should I tell him that I've always known somehow that I'm gay and that I' ve always felt something is lacking between us romantically and sexually speaking? Sorry for the novel, I've been wanting to post for a few days now. Also just want to say again that I feel so lucky to have found this place with all you guys being super helpful and it really helps to be able to speak to people here (*hug*)
I don't know what the answers are re: coming out to people. I've told a few trusted friends and my sister. It's made me feel supported. I know if and when I talk to my husband about this, I'll have "backup" if things get upsetting or ugly. It's like setting up protection. I would recommend talking to anyone you truly trust. It sucks to have to be inauthentic with friends.
Hey TeaTree, just wanted to say good luck with the coming out. I have no idea what advice to give you about the boyfriend. Do you want to stay with him and work things out? Or is this a "tell him and slowly get out of the relationship"? Because I think the answer to that tells you how much to tell him. I doubt he'd want to stay in a relationship if you told him that there was something lacking for you on the romance/s e x front, know what I mean? I would totally come out to the friend from high school, she sounds like the "safest" of the bunch. With the work colleague, if it went badly you might end up with gossip at work which would be really unfortunate, so I'd be more careful there! Although I hear you on the work crush, there is this one girl at work ... short blond hair, in super good shape...*sigh* Maybe tell her when she is no longer working with you? Or bring up a "friend" who came out to you and ask her how she would react? Good luck. And I'm so glad to have this place too! xxx
I agree with Bidi, that the high school friend sounds the safest right now. If you are unsure about telling your boyfriend, maybe wait until you know if you want to stay in the relationship and have an exit strategy if you do want to leave. It seems like you've determined that you are less (or maybe not) interested in men, and that your relationship with your boyfriend isn't going well right now. I think you need to decide: 1. Is the relationship worth saving? 2. Do you want to stay with him, even if it were as perfect as it could be with him? 3. Is there a possibility that your needs/desires to be with a woman could be met through a relationship with him? 4. Do you need/want to be able to be with a woman? For me, the answers to 1 & 2 were a simple, resounding "yes", which made 3 & 4 less important. 3 & 4 are in the "I don't know/not right now" camp for me/us.
This is pretty much what I was going to say. The high school friend sounds much safer, and the distance can be a bonus...if their is any awkwardness on their part, they have plenty of space, which can make it easier for the two of you to work it out...well you don't have to work out anything, just keep being yourself, until they realized nothing changed. I just recently re-found on facebook, a ton of people I grew up with and went to school with ( I ran away when I was 14 and most hadn't heard from me since). Not only do most of them remember me fondly, but I was openly gay in fb when I found them, and no one seemed put off by it, definitely not the ones I was closer too. None of them felt the need to even point it out, they just seem happy that I am happy, and they are supportive of me trying to get in to a better place for the kids and myself. I hope you have a similar experience. Keep us updated on telling your boyfriend. <3
Hey everyone, thanks for your replies and telling me your opinion about this situation. Interesting (and understandable) that you're suggesting to come out to my high school friend first. I'm actually pretty worried about her reaction as she knows me for a long time and knows all my so called guy-crushes from back then and I'm afraid her reaction would be something like "no, I don't believe it, you were so into xy guy, are you sure you're gay?" But not sure, maybe she would just be very shocked. I would like a reaction more along the lines of "I'm not surprised I was suspecting you were". Not sure why. Also I think it would be weird for me to come out to her on skype/ phone. And we won"t meet until november I think. I have to tell somebody until then... About my boyfriend, as you said BidiKlum, it"s the "tell him and slowly get out of the ralationship" one. I have the feeling that when you are in a relationship everybody wants you to stay in that relationship first, try everything, and on the second place as priority goes, is to ask yourself what you really want. In this case I've become more and more convinced that our relationship was and hopefully still is a very deep friendship, and in a way it was love but not a romantic love. And I had this realisation that I was missing out on so much, and since I allowed myself to recognise my attraction to women I feel so many feelings, sensations, the whole world starts to feel more real, I can actually be present in my life for the first time. Not to talk about this newfound self-confidence I never had before. So I got to a point from where there is no turning back I think and I don't want to turn back. But of course after this symbiotic type of relationship, after eight years I cannot just walk out on the door and don't want to. But I don"t want to waste any of our time either for too long. Bi2me, these are interesting questions you suggested: I think you need to decide: 1. Is the relationship worth saving? 2. Do you want to stay with him, even if it were as perfect as it could be with him? 3. Is there a possibility that your needs/desires to be with a woman could be met through a relationship with him? 4. Do you need/want to be able to be with a woman? Here my answers would be: 1.no, it was an amazing place to be and grow, and even if it breaks my heart to say this, but no 2. no 3. definitely not 4. definitely yes I think he has the right to know and I don't want to prolong this limbo state, though I want to try to be as gentle as possible. Ah, and just to paint a more real picture about this, we stopped kissing each other and having sex after I told him I was questioning, that's around one month ago. And since then so much has changed, I don't think I would want to have sex with him again. I feel guilty saying that and for not realising this sooner (my reoccurring thought), but I think I somehow wasn't ready to face this until now.
It sounds like you've made a decision, now to formulate a plan. Others on here will be much more helpful on that front, so I'll step back and watch until I see somewhere to pop my two cents back in. Good luck! (*hug*)
#1: OMG, I am SO terrified to bring thsi up with my therapist! what if she says the same things!? I can't really relate to the rest, because I avoid relationships like the plague, but i'd approach your boyfriend with honesty. Say you have been seriously questioning your sexuality and aren't sure what it means yet--and see what he says.
Teetree, I feel like you and I have so much in common right now. It sounds like you really know what you want. I am still waiting to be sure, as this is such a big thing! I am looking forward to following you on your journey. I have arranged a work trip out of town for 3 weeks in about 4 weeks from now. I'm hoping time away, and time with some of my LGBTQ friends (from my college years) will give me a better perspective. Sending you strength!
Hey bi2me, thanks and I hope what I wrote above didn't offend you in some way. I know we are in two slightly different places right now, but you seem to be always there to offer your help and support and I appreaciate that so much. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2015 at 09:21 AM ---------- Well, if she is a good therapist I think should be able to sense if she can't offer you more help (because you don't need it or you need something else). If she is a not so good one, than you're better off finding someone who suits you better. So it should be a win-win Anyway, I have to say that I'm still not sure which category mine was, as I had a pretty bad aftertaste following this last session. She also mentioned something like that she had clients who were struggling with similar issues but none of them was in a long term relationship like I was, they were only trying out hetero relationships but it didn't seem to work for them. So after that I got more confused, felt a bit invalidated, even if this wasn"t her intention. Like here you go, yet another stereotype you don't fit. But then I decided that trying to fit into steteotypes was what brought me in this situation in the first place. Anyway, I would definitely tell the therapist if I were you. Well, in case you don't think she will confuse you more, but then maybe it's worth to swich to someone who would be a better fit. I've been in therapy for depression/bulimia related issues about 9 years ago and I avoided telling my therapist about my same sex attractions back then because I could't even accept that I had them...I'm still thinking what would've happened if I'd told her back then...
Thanks HighArt (*hug*) I also think we have a lot in common around this subject I think I sound this confident because I realised that having moments of doubt is a natural part of this, and it doesn't invalidate my feelings of confidence. But of course, it's easy to talk about it, but making the real steps is not so much. I'm terrified in a way of the unknown, where will I move, who will I be friends with etc. Interesting though that in all this chaos I've found this new perspective that things which scare me have got also this challenging side, and there is so much excitement there! I read somewhere that the same situation and physical sensation which some people interpret as stress others would interpret as excitement. Some will want to avoid it, some would jump in the middle of it. Well, until now I've been avoiding a lot. Still terrified of some stuff, like going into a group of people alone where I don't know anyone, but I'm starting to be able to look at this also from the other perspective, of exciting and desired challege. Enjoy the trip, and happy catching up with your LGBT friends
Nope, hon, not *at all* offended! Sorry if it came off that way. I've just got zero experience on leaving a relationship. I'm married to my high school boyfriend, so, yeah... No help with breaking up... Feel free to ask me anything, I'm just out of my element, I think. (*hug*)
Sorry of misinterpreting then, and thanks (*hug*) ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2015 at 06:25 PM ---------- Thanks, it will happen for sure just not sure when, how and to whom. Otherwise everything is clear. Almost :icon_bigg
To me it seems like you are already on your way to tell her. And it does sound like she knows how to deal with sexuality related issues. But I guess your reluctance is more about accepting and being open to deal with sexuality. So yeah, I think you will do it when you're ready. I just have this feeling that it won't take long And it will be worth it to open up about this, I'm convinced. And I wish you good luck with that (*hug*) This reminds me of my parents though, zero talk about not only sexuality but emotions, love, anything like that. I remember when I went to first sleep over at my boyfriends place when I was 19, my mother was almost crying and begging me not to go. But still she could't say a word about sexuality or anything. So messed up.. I can totally relate here, I've also been terrified of that. On a much too conscious level. Hey, even she told me "I just don't want you to end up like I did" Here she is usually referring to the fact that she didn't get to study further and haven't got any degrees. But still, it's not helpful for children to hear this. But lately since I'm slowly opening up to myself I managed to get closer to my mom, so I think nothing is lost. Not sure if I'll ever be able to talk with her about sexuality though, but I think I should try to get there somehow, it would help both of us.
