Where to start....I am a 52 year old woman, have been married to husband for 15 years and have 12 yr old son. I have been attracted to females since I was in grade school. I was raised in a very prejudice family and felt that I would be outcasted if I ever came out. I had short term relationships with women in my 20's, but, was also afraid that my family would find out. Met my husband at work and knew almost immediately it was a mistake. But, I stayed. Of course, I feel awful that I have robbed him of years that he could find his soul mate. He did know of my history with women, but, he accepted it and I think he feels that it was just a phase for me. He has no idea that I am truly a lesbian. I have been a stay at home Mom for 8 years now and my skills in the work force are truly lacking. For so long obviously I have managed and tried to ignore my feelings and put them under the rug. Lately, it has been eating away at me and I am yearning more than I ever have to finally open the door. But, there are so many obstacles and it is very overwhelming. My husband will not take it well, as I have approached him in the past more than once that things are not working out between us. The last time was a year ago & he threatened to fight for full custody. On top of all of this.....he is homophobic. Yes, I married someone just like my own Father. At one time, not too long ago, he (my husband) said that he intended to tell our son that homosexuals are sick and not normal. Yes, I had to listen to that and keep my secret. I have been seeing a lesbian therapist for over a year. I had made the mistake of having heterosexual men as therapists in the past- huge mistake. My present one is wonderful and has helped me in a great way. I have been having quite a few panic attacks lately and feel that I am suffocating. The risks of coming out are so great, I just don't know if I have the courage to finally do it. I want so much to live an authentic life...... Thanks to all of you who read this incredibly long post. Besides my therapist, I do not have any gay friends, so that is why I turn to you all for advice, encouragement, etc.
Hey Kim001, Welcome to EC. You will be amazed at how much better you feel in just a short time here. There are a number of new members who are lesbians in the Late in Life section. They're great and supportive and each tell a variation of your story. I sometimes get the feeling we're all sitting at our computers, vigorously nodding our heads in agreement with what is being posted. I'm not married nor have kids so I can't help you there but I wondered whether you might check out a local college or continuing Ed institution and sign up for some professional development class. I don't know if you want to go back to work but, at a minimum, it would give you a new sense of purpose and a chance to meet new people in a more progressive environment than it sounds like you have at home. Pop over to the Late in Life section and keep reading and posting. Things are looking up now that you got here.
Hi Kim001--welcome I am very new here at EC. Your story is similar to mine. I am just about turning 59. I have found support on the later in life. I feel many of the same things you do. I have been dealing with deep depression and EC has helped me to breath. When I was 22 had a short relationship with a woman it was a first and last. I have been married many times-much to my shame. I have 8 biological children. In 1981 started attending a very fundamental church-- thinking it would be great direction after all my failures in the 70's. So I have been through many layers in my life. Starting as a young girl I had feeling questions and no where to go even though it was starting to open a bit. I am happy for children and young people who do not have to suffer in silence. Stay with EC it has been a soft place to land for me. I am happy to "meet" you. I will be there for a shoulder and an ear xoxo
Hi Kim...welcome to EC. As long as you have a tomorrorow, you have hope. I admire your courage to acknowledge you need more and take steps in that direction. Even coming here to talk is a major step. Have you begun to make moves to ensure you can support yourself financially? I'm curious, what does your therapist recommend you do? ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2015 at 06:13 PM ---------- It's cool. It's Friday. You've got other things on your mind (!)
[edited to add this!] Really, I completely agree with how awesome the Later in Life people are! Hello Kim 001! So glad you're finally beginning to accept who you are! I'm new to this forum too, but everyone here is super helpful. What you're going through is difficult, but you'll find a good body of support here on EC. I think the first step to deciding when you want to come out to your family is to decide what you want to do if the worst case scenario were to happen. Could you provide for you and your children? Do you have a safe place to stay if you need to? Do you have any friends aware of your situation who could be shoulders to lean on? Are you willing to fight for custody? The adage I try to follow in my own life (natural pessimist here) is: Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Almost always I'm surprised with how well things go since I've been expecting the world to explode. :icon_bigg I have every confidence you'll be able to deal with this circumstance and all those that come your way. You are stronger than you realize! Your story shows that you're extremely resilient.
Kim001 the first step is admitting it to yourself, and you are so brave and came to EC so I applaud you, and welcome! It took me many months to just sign up for a username and password here, and I think you are just so brave!! You are not alone anymore, there are so many married women on here so I hope you take the time you need and read all you can as time permits. It's very scary but it's so nice to know that we are all here for each other.
