I think it's time for me to dip my toe in the water, but admittedly I'm a little scared. I've connected with a LGBT Meet-up group so they know I'm bisexual. But I feel the urge to go beyond that and tell someone I know so that I feel I'm revealing the real me. I have a friend of the opposite gender that I think would be the best choice. We've shared our fears, relationship issues with each other before. She knows that I'm separated from my wife and checks with me to se how any reconciliation might be going. I've told her a while that I had something important to tell her (my friend) when the time is right. I'm feeling that telling her that a major reason I'm not pushing too hard for reconciliation with my wife is that I'm bisexual and that I need to live that part of my life now. But I'm akso scared that I could lose the friendship if my friend is not accepting to LGBT. Maybe I could ask her about her thoughts about homosexuality and bisexuality in general so see where whe stands???? Or do I just take my chances and tell her without knowing her views? I need to dip my toe in the water sometime if I ever want to jump or wade in and start telling family and other friends. Any advice? Thanks fellow EC members
Are you friends with her on facebook or other social media? Does she ever post supportive (or non supportive) things? For example: on the day marriage equality passed, did she change her picture to the rainbow picture? That might give you a hint as to how she would react.
I understand your feelings, I think. I came out as gay a year ago last January, at 69, because, finally, I needed to live and authentic life with integrity. To do so, I had to separate from my wife of 28 years and say goodbye to a number of joint friends because my wife needed their support. But finally, I asked myself whether a 'friend' who wasn't accepting of my sexuality could ever really be a friend. So I took the leap, finally, trusting that, on the other side, I would find new friends to replace the ones I'd lost--people who accepted the real me, people with whom we could celebrate each other's lives. And I have friends now who see the real me, not the charlatan hiding behind the mask. And it feels so good. Just my personal experience. I wish you the best. The world doesn't make it easy for us, but that doesn't mean we can't triumph anyway.
But finally, I asked myself whether a 'friend' who wasn't accepting of my sexuality could ever really be a friend. So I took the leap, finally, trusting that, on the other side, I would find new friends to replace the ones I'd lost--people who accepted the real me, people with whom we could celebrate each other's lives. And I have friends now who see the real me, not the charlatan hiding behind the mask. And it feels so good. Yes to this. I think this is a great perspective, especially regarding friends you wish to be close with.
It sounds like you have been testing the waters with her for awhile by mentioning that there is a big talk coming, when you find the right time, I would imagine that she has already tried to fill in the blanks. You could feel her out even more, but in my opinion, it's better to just tell her now, as you already are stringing her along with the important conversation that is coming, that you don't give any details about. I understand you are afraid, but you have to0 give her credit to, rather then continue to test her. I say this from my own experience, as I have had a reputation in the past for testing people like this in my own life, and it really puts up a wall that is hard for others to penetrate, and it also can drive others a way, because it can be seen as a lack of trust. Try to stop overthinking it, and instead just listen to what your gut says, and then follow your gut. Maybe I am sounding too harsh, but I really think this is one of those situations, and that you will be happy you went for the 'just saying it' approach once you do. It's like a band aid, the slower you are with ripping it off, the more awkward it will be. (*hug*)
It's fantastic that you have come out to the LGBT meetup group. Congratulations on that huge step forward. Coming out to folks in real life is terrifying, and it seems like your friend is a natural choice. It sounds like you would be more comfortable asking her about her views about gays and bisexuals as a way of testing the waters and introducing the subject, so go for it! I agree with others that I don't need friends in my life who cannot accept me as gay, but I also respect you if you have different ideas. You will gain confidence by pushing yourself to have the conversation with her. Best of luck
Your idea about coming out to your friend is a good idea. If you can come out to her in person, do that, I'd suggest. You can do it over the phone if you need to do it that way. The act of sharing this aspect of yourself with another person will be beneficial I believe. Coming out was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I found most every friend to be accepting. I found some who were not. Thanks for writing your post.
