Hi everyone. Hope you're all doing fine on this Saturday afternoon! Posting my first thread here. I'm a bit of a disorganized thinker, which is something I hope that diminishes as I continue to realize and unleash hidden parts of myself. So lets see what happens here. I came out to myself late in life. Just last year at age 42, I had the opportunity to be with a woman, and I lept at is with gusto. It was a short lived relationship - only three months, and it was highly toxic and damaging, and had I taken the time to get to know her, I would not have accepted her as a partner. But I was very excited about the opportunity, and I'm glad for the experience, it taught me a lot. Once I realized I was gay and experienced sex with a woman for the first time, I felt like a heavy blanket had been lifted from my entire being. More colour, more emotion, more self appreciation and feeling of freedom, and even elation. It seemed my life had been very dull up to that point! I had always been very supportive and outspoken in matters of equality. I hate bigotry in all forms. I'd get confused about why, as a woman, someone would want to be hateful toward someone of a "minority group" (hate that term). Hadn't she, herself, experienced oppression in the form of sexism?? And that's how homophobia seemed best explained - a form of sexism. Because of my staunch , outspoken support of the LGBTQ community, I was really surprised to find that I had been hiding in the closet myself! Whenever I read something about someone being afraid to come out, I would think of the love and acceptance I felt for anyone struggling from oppression and feel this little plea that went something like... "Its okaaay!! My gaaawd, come out! Its safe for you!!" So surprised is a good word to use, because honestly, I didn't even think I had a closet! Do you think maybe I was coaxing and encouraging myself?? :lol: I've had some realizations since coming out to myself a year ago. After ending my short, toxic relationship, it took several months to get back into a healthier state of mind. My ex triggered a lot of childhood trauma responses. But I think that's probably a good thing - an opportunity to deal with burried things!!). I had been doing a lot of counselling and have a psychiatrist to help try and heal from complex PTSD (childhood trauma). I think all the work I have been doing with them helped me to start feeling like more of a full human being and stop trying to please other people (or at least, stop trying to keep everything safely neutral), and that allowed me to feel safe about admitting to myself that I'm gay. Stop trying to keep everything safely neutral... Oddly, this seems to be pointing me in the direction of being more neutral. As in, not trying to attract people's attention through interesting jewelry and feminine clothing. I'm feeling a pull to chop my hair. There has always been a part of me that has rejected traditional beauty anyway by refusing to wear makeup or a bra. I have never really followed the norm, or at least, so I thought, but I'm starting to understand what heteronormative actually means. At this point its boiling down to simple terms. I'm not open season for cis men because I'm female. I'm a fucking human being. I think I'll stop here. I'm having difficulty writing and my thoughts are jumping around a lot, and this has taken quite a long time to write. That's enough for now. Its a start at least. Yaaay me!! :eusa_clap Note to me for next time: fem/butch attractions and "what else is below the surface"
Welcome Because of my staunch , outspoken support of the LGBTQ community, I was really surprised to find that I had been hiding in the closet myself! Whenever I read something about someone being afraid to come out, I would think of the love and acceptance I felt for anyone struggling from oppression and feel this little plea that went something like... "Its okaaay!! My gaaawd, come out! Its safe for you!!" So surprised is a good word to use, because honestly, I didn't even think I had a closet! Do you think maybe I was coaxing and encouraging myself?? I totally relate to this- same here! I'm still in the closet to most (including my husband of 2 years) as I've only just had my "aha!" Moment about 2-3 months ago. Looking forward to reading more from you:icon_bigg
LOL, this is so me. I nurtured and breathed new life into a struggling forum on a website I helped run for 8 years, by making it an open and safe place for LBGTs and people with mental health issues. In facebook lesbian communities I noticed most women Identified as femmes or studs(butch)...I definitely wasn't fem, but I didn't identify with a lot of the butch women either. I've always been a very independent tomboy, and have been on my own since I was 14. I spent my life looking for role models, but I only seemed to identify with men, like Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp...I still do for that matter. Only after coming out, do I realize that that doesn't mean that I want to be a man. I just didn't relate with women, no matter how tough or badass they were supposed to be, because they just were not me. Angelina Jolie comes closest, but still no. I finally saw Girl with a Dragon Tattoo last year and the female lead is the first female character that I fully identified with in my life.. If I try to fit into the butch lesbian stereo type, I will never be me, and I will never be happy. I am working on letting myself be exactly who I want to be, with out a thought as to how I will be perceived, and I really feel that this is how I will find my zen spot identitywise. LOL, it must be working, as I went to Meynards earlier, and I was wearing rainbow jewelry, so I was clearly gay...anyhow the cashier was trying to get my attention, so I finally looked her in the eyes, and she tried to lock in, giving me the deer in the headlights look. I ran. lol I took a long time typing a similar reply and lost it, this is the shorter version, it's still uber chatty, but more rushed, so sorry for that. I leave you with this inspiring 53 second clip of what a woman can be. :icon_wink [YOUTUBE]YIc20-P7k3Y[/YOUTUBE]
Oh my gosh, thank you HighArt. I didn't realize quite how anxious I'd been about this post until I read this little line. Seriously. I have tears on my cheeks. I think it was harder for me to write about than it was to just come out. Like to everyone I know. They all know. Why is it so hard to write about? It must be ptsd and crappy childhood creeping in... must be quiet and keep equallibrium at all costs. Scary to use this voice that must be more connected to my subconscious than daily life is. --- Congratulations on your aha moment and stepping toward your truth :eusa_danc Makes me happy to hear
Sue Baloo, that's great about the support site. Is it still going?? I know what you mean about the butch femme thing. I was on a fb page where so many of the "discussions" were just superficial questions like are you a top or a bottom, and inferred that if you were a bottom you were submissive and there was some kind of shame to it. (I hope this is ok to talk about on here LOL) The question I have is... if you worked this hard to break free of society's stereotype of what you as a woman are supposed to be, why would you lock yourself into a label that someone else has created? Like be a top and a bottom and a sideways and an upsidedown or whatever you can dream up. Why should sex limit the way you define yourself anyway, you're so much more than just a lesbian! It's interesting about your role models. Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt are among the few men I've found attractive. My daughter schooled me on the four types of.... and dammit I forget what they're grouped into, but its possible to see a person you feel an attraction to but not want them, and a person you feel romantic toward... does this strike a bell for you at all??? I'll have to ask her again lol BAH!! Brain fog be damned!! I think I was too busy being entrenched in survival mode to have chosen role models. The only one I can think of is Linda Carter as Wonder Woman. I know I wished I could kick ass like her, and even as a kid I remember admiring at her body and really really looking at her boobs a lot XD But I also remember wishing I could be the Hulk LMAO. Not the scientist.... I wanted to be the huge green monster that was unstoppable!! Hey this is kinda fun, I'll have to try and remember more of this kind of thing lol Deer in the headlights Hey you know, the nice thing about finding an attraction to someone in a retail store is that you can always buy things... and return them... try again until you start to build up a rapport or conquor a fear, right?? Its not like you HAVE to do anything about it, you could just practise :lol: I saw girl with the dragon tattoo, both in English and whatever the original language was. I liked the movies but was disappointed in the ending. I didn't want her to fall for the man. And I thought he was a total ass after everything she did for him and he just went back to stupid normal society while she learned yet again not to trust people. That was my take anyway. But yes, she kicked ass!! And I want a bike!! LOL And so you know, your post didn't feel rushed. I hate it when I lose something I've written!! Grrr!! But any post is better than no post, so thank you for taking the time to type it up again Hope you're having a fabulous evening!
I can relate on this point wholeheartedly. Ever since college, when I found out what allys were, I educated myself as part of wanting support those in the LGBTQ communities. The trouble was, I was so deep in the closet, I really saw myself as not be the same. What has fascinated me is that I knew there would be those who would support me in my new path, and most amazingly, there are those who are already challenging me (I came out within the last six months) to examine what facets of myself, things that I am proud of, that may have been part of my façade; that has proven to be harder than it sounded. Well done for ending your bad relationship, and best of luck with your journey.
Hi Viator Thanks for the pat on the back about the relationship, I'm proud of standing my ground. She has been messaging me with combinations of compliments on my beauty and brilliance, combined with guilting messages about having thrown it all away and breaking her heart by refusing to sit with her to talk. I'm just not responding. I know her tactics. Anything I say will be disregarded and taken as an opportunity to push harder. No thanks. I've always seen myself as being not the same as anyone. Like I didn't fit in anywhere or with anyone, and I know that goes deeper than sexual identity. Part of me was relieved about not fitting in, and part of me felt lonely, of course. I started to feel more "normal" (whatever that is) after I came out though, a little bit at least. I'm healing. Would you explain a little bit more about that last part you wrote? I'd really like to understand that.
This idea has been mentioned on other threads as well, and I'm glad because it really helped me to know this was not some alien concept I came up...I know, I know, conformity . Anyway, what I mean by being challenged is I have gay, and straight friends who have shown me a different side of themselves since my coming out. Gay men seem to be "more gay" around me, lesbians who used to speak to me on a regular basis, are more quiet (that could be the fact that all of them are parents as well..."I got 99 problems, and you aint one of them").I came to realize mine is not the only life needs to be adjusting, and this is then a facet of the process of change for me. The major thing I had to face is that I did, indeed, set up certain things in my life so that I would be "normal." This is where it gets deep. I got married to a woman, I had a family. I did this without having explored any aspect of my homosexuality, I just went deeper in the closet (oh, wait, there's an online community for that; I take myself VERY seriously <sigh>). I love my children as I have not loved anything in the world, it is a fact that I married their mother because, "that is what good, Christian boys do." I am now forced to find a new context for myself, as a man, to some extent as a father (wise ass 7 year old..I ought'a), friend, and as a new person in the lives of others. Whew, that is harder to put into words than I thought.
