Hi guys, Not been on EC for a while now. Perhaps a year and half ago, I was here daily as I went through tough times and separated from my wife. I was deeply depressed and knew I had issues about my sexuality, deep down thinking I might be gay. I've been single and not had any sexual contact with anyone since my separation. This was until about 2 weeks ago! Without giving too much info, I chatted to a woman online and we've now met and had 'amazing sex' on 3 occasions. I am undoubtedly attracted to this woman but have been soul searching for answers. I feel muddled and confused about this situation. I have been making good progress in therapy and am very aware I need to be true to myself and maintain integrity. Help!!! Any comments would be useful x
I can identify with the confusion you are feeling. I've been separated from my wife for nearly a year and haven't been able to conclusively say I'm gay. Also been isolating and not had sexual contact with anyone other than a few half-hearted attempts with male escorts. My sense is that your best bet is probably to just roll with this new relationship and see where it takes you. You should steer clear of anything that leads towards commitment because you're probably not ready. And you shouldn't cut yourself off from exploring with guys if that's how you feel. Basically there may not be an "answer" and the best thing you can do is simply engage with the process of your life as it plays out in its own idiosyncratic way.
Thanks for your response nerd brain. It really helps to get comments from other people. I feel a sense of guilt because the woman doesn't know my history. I've decided to tell the woman why I separated etc and take it from there. I don't want to withhold information... I want to maintain integrity at all times!
bigeagle Having quickly scanned your previous posts, I'm scratching my head as to why you are involved with a woman. It seems like some sort of capitulation - a form of denial to avoid the real issues at hand. At the same time I don't want to discount the possibility (I'm assuming you are bisexual) that this woman is a better match for you than your ex. Given the turmoil of your past; however, I would suggest that you explore relationships with men (if you haven't already) before getting serious with another woman. Once you have worked through the issues and have clarity on your orientation, you can make an informed decision about your relationship with women with integrity. Otherwise you are kicking the can down the road.
Thanks a lot Sienna Fire. I really appreciate anyone taking time to provide advice on this post. I've been soul searching today and although the draw is strong, I know deep down what is right for me. I like your comment about 'kicking the can down the road'. Thanks ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 08:03 PM ---------- Just to add.... Since my separation I've been single for about 1.5 years. Although I've made some progress with my 'gay side' I'm certainly not comfortable with the idea of a relationship with a man. Maybe I'm still struggling to accept reality? Feeling very MUDDLED!
I find it interesting, there are those, like yourself, who take things very slow and careful, then there are the folks at the other end who jump right in, then there's those of us in the middle. I would echo what SiennaFire said about pursuing some experiences with men. I'm not using entendre, I mean the full range of experience. I have learned very quickly that I know nada of how to talk, relate to, and interact with gay men. "How different could it be?" I said. It is a whole new world, but I am excited to be in, not just out. You are right to be honest at the outset, it is her right to make up her mind knowing all the facts.
Thanks Viator. All comments really appreciated. The advice about pursuing experiences with men is something I agree with but find incredibly difficult to imagine?! I need to make small steps and stop thinking I have to 'go the whole hog' with a guy! I am totally freaked out by the gay scene and don't feel ready for any kind of relationship. I need to follow my heart.... And be kind to my self x
Perhaps you can find a meetup or LGBT support group in your area as a way of meeting guys in a non-scene way. In particular a divorced men or gay dads group might be the most comfortable for you. Divorced men can teach other gay men a thing or two about relationships!
Nothing wrong with being attracted to a woman or a man. It's all fine. No need to overthink things, just let life unfold, one day at a time, and take deep breaths when needed. <3
If you do wind up telling this woman about the reasons for your separation, I would be curious to hear how that goes.
Nerd brain.... I've now told the woman and despite the initial 'shock and disappointment' she now seems to understand and has been very supportive. She has actually suggested going out to a gay area of a nearby city and help me break down some barriers.
