Married woman in love with a lesbian

I think you are on the verge of something wonderful. Welcome. I hope to see more of you around.

What you wrote reminded me of this wonderful quote by Anais Nin.

 

Hi hon, don't worry, you aren't alone! This thread (my iPad won't let me embed the link for some reason: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html ) was started about a year ago, and it's *very* long, but it contains the stories of several of us who found ourselves in similar situations. A few of us are still active on the site, and we are happy to talk.

Several people decided they were lesbians, some bisexual, some probably haven't figured it out. I realized that I'd not lost my attraction for my high school best friend. I now officially identify as bisexual. Welcome!

 

Hello. I echo what bi2me said above! Although, I have to say, you won't find easy answers in that thread--there really aren't any to such a situation. Still, it helps to know there are others out there.

For my part, I am trying to work out how much of my reaction to my friend that I love is pent up lust vs. crush vs. orientation-based revelations vs. hormones vs. real love. This doesn't feel like just a crush, but I want to make sure before I take actions that could damage my current relationships.

 

HighArt, TeaTree and I are reading Female Sexual Fluidity By Lisa Diamond. Feel free to join us.

 

Hi Orchidea123
Omg I could have written this story myself if you change the working relationship to 2 years. I had been questioning for years and this woman answered the question big time for me. She did nothing in particular, just worked beside me everyday for 2years. Mine is a long story included in the thread mention's above. We no longer work together but still keep in touch. Nothing improper ever happened but , without declaring my undying love for her, I told her my marriage is a sham and I came out to her. She also revealed personal situations that severely constrict her life at the moment. I still think about her everyday and we do still email , with the same Smiley's and funnies and riskyy comments. We find it so easy to make each other laugh. She doesn't know that I know she is gay. We have been out together many times for dinner and are planning to meet up again at the moment. I don't know what the future holds for us. I'm happy to have her as a friend. We dont live close so no chance of bumping into each other. Why don't you invite your crush for coffee or dinner?
So many of your comments about your colleague I could have written too. Since i admittted my feelings to myself my marriage of 20 years has deteriorated big style. I haven't came out to my husband but there are more issues in the marriage so that is not the main reason. But I now have confidence not to put up with these issues and that is what is causing problems. Who knows where things will end up. Happy to chat. Our stories are so similar.(*hug*)

 

Hi Orchidea123, like many others have already said, you are not alone!! My story is similar and like you I am married and have been for many years. This is not an easy journey we have ahead of us but having this forum and the support of people like bi2me and Sue Baloo will make it easier, if only to know that we are not alone in this!!

For me, although I had kissed a girl before, my "trigger crush" (new to me but so totally accurate!) was a girl who'd been my BFF for our entire adult lives wanting to be with me. Didn't turn out so well but it did open my eyes to another side of me...one that I am going to need to figure out.

Anyway, about your crush, have you ever talked to her about anything personal? Why not try to get to know her as a friend? Or would it be too scary (and potentially destabilizing to your marriage)? Curious as to how you proceed - please keep us updated!

xoxo

 

I am amazed by all the positive responses. I was married, so I understand what that means. You should focus on your marriage, completely separate from this woman. Do you want to save it? Or are you done? You need time alone to figure this out, and not confuse it with a hurtful and destructive affair, which would harm your husband, and also your relationships with your children. The commitment you made deserves the respect to see it through to the end first, before picking up something new.

Lots of women feel this way, long-married and the spark has gone from the marriage. Someone new catches their interest or pays nice attention to them, and they just want to jump at it. But wanting to, and actually DOING it, are two very different things. The grass is always greener. Please don't idealize what it would be like to be with her, all relationships do struggle and have ups and downs. Plus, if you cheat on him with her, she will never really trust you and when you're together for a while she will keep thinking you are cheating with someone else - man, or woman.

I know lots of women who have been in this situation, and it ends in a lot of drama and tears.

So stop the train for a minute. Look honestly at your marriage, just by itself. If you were never with that woman at all, do you feel ready for a divorce, even if it meant being alone? That's how you know you're ready. So if so, do it in the proper channels, let him know, go to couple's counseling if you feel it is worth it, go through the several year process of getting a divorce, see a therapist and deal with all the painful and scary and wonderful feelings, figure out your identity. Keep in touch with this woman as no more than a friend through it, if she is willing to stick around.

When it's all been sorted out, THEN seek out the relationship with her, when you are free to do so, have dealt with your old baggage, and know what you want out of life. There is a lot less hurt if your husband understands that you ended your marriage because of the dynamic just between YOU TWO, that is had nothing to do with a 3rd party. If you feel something is missing, and he just can't provide it, let him know that. But it doesn't have to be by telling him you are leaving him for a female co-worker.

Also, do consider if a relationship with a work contact might create issues for either of you career-wise.

And make sure you're not doing all this for her, because she might not end up being who you thought she was since you barely know her yet. Leave the marriage, and pursue just her or women in general, because this is what you need to fulfill your life - not because you're totally dependent on a future with her to work out.

I really that makes me sound like Debbie Downer compared to the others, but since I know so many women who has been through this, I can guarantee you this is the only way to ensure a happy and drama-free future. You have to deal with your marriage first, as being fulfilling or unfulfilling, solvable or unsolvable, regardless of sexuality or 3rd parties. Either the marriage works for you, or it doesn't. Once you have resolved all of that, emotionally and legally, then you can work on the sexuality question and see where you want to go next in life.

Cheating on people is incredibly painful, and in the long run affects not only how others see you, but how you see yourself. It comes with a huge amount of baggage, and ends with others not trusting you, and you not trusting yourself to handle a relationship in the long-term.

I want you to be happy and have fun in your life, and the way to reach that goal is to respect that there are other people involved in your life, and other commitments you have already made. You have to resolve those first before you start getting any closer to this woman. Maybe if your husband were more attentive, and like he was when you first fell in love, that would be all you need and you'd want to stay. Or maybe, nothing he can ever do will be enough - in which case he deserves not to have his life wasted and to be lied to, he deserves to know. If you got with this other woman, you'd want her to tell you if she started seeing another woman behind your back right? You'd want to know BEFORE anything happened that she didn't feel into you anymore, that she wanted out of the relationship?

Do unto others, as they say. I bet you wouldn't feel good to learn that your husband is trying to meet up for lunch with a woman he is infatuated with, so see if he can get further with her, right?

So just deal with one step before the other. You don't need to have either an emotional or physical affair to decide if your current marriage is dead. But the inclination to might indicate that it is. Having an affair though usually results in your children blaming you for breaking up what they perceived to be a happy, or at least stable, family home. A lot of anger and devastation comes out. None of them are going to pat you on the back and say "I'm glad you've found love." But they WILL say that, if you end your current marriage before you start up a new relationship, even if it's just an emotional affair. OR, fix your current marriage to the point where you're happy to stay. Either option will end much better than getting closer to her behind your husband's back because you are secretly in love with her.

Usually an attempt to have an open marriage ends badly too, from the various people I know who tried that, so it's probably not a great option if you want BOTH people.

I wish you luck in figuring this out.

 

I'm guessing this was more for me than for the OP - and I completely agree that it is hard and it makes it harder if you go ahead and have an affair (just check some of my posts...) And then you hate yourself...yup.

I guess the thing is, Rainbow, is that all of this is stuff I already know - and I'm guessing the OP does too. But it doesn't mean that the feelings aren't there. Or that sometimes it does take doing something wrong to figure out the right path.

What am I trying to say here? LOL. I guess that yes, Rainbow is right, and her points should totally be considered. But also that exciting fun feeling of a new crush is normal and fun and exciting, and that shouldn't totally be discounted?

Ugh. I'm (quite literally) off to the therapist now to discuss all this stuff.!! :smilewave

 

No BidiKlum, that was not directed at you. It was for the OP, and for anyone who reads this thread who is considering, or has already gone through these issues.

We all must decide who we want to be in life. But for me personally, I have had temptations in life just like anybody has, but I will not hurt other people to whom I made a commitment to pursue them, because that hurts ME in the long run. I know LOTS of people who have, and I have seen the outcomes, and they are so ugly and exhausting I just don't have the energy to go that harder way. No choice in life is without consequences. I have found if you think through your decisions up front, it saves you a lot of heartache and trauma in the end.

An affair is so temporary. But your relationship with your kids is forever. Eventually, the affair, even if it becomes a relationship, is going to have problems, fights, lose the spark, the excitement. For lesbians, there is a high likelihood that the sex stops, and the communication stops. But that can be true for any relationship. So what happens when you are in the same spot with the woman as you once were with the man? Just to another exciting affair with somebody else? A lot of people out there do this. But it tends to leave them in a very lonely space, where nothing is ever permanent, and no troubles are ever worked through in favor of running. Or you stay and work through the new relationship with the woman, but she is the type of person who is ok with being with a married person, and she knows you to be the type of person to cheat, and so the relationship is riddled with fights about trust issues. I think it is a million times easier, and also more respectful of everyone's feelings involved, and also ends in far more years of happiness, to work through your issues before you bring other people into it. If your marriage does not serve you and you can never be happy and fulfilled there, do the work, and leave. If the relationship with the woman is what you want, do the work to gain her trust and her affection in an honest and open way. You both deserve to have a love that you do not have to sneak behind people's backs, that you can declare openly and be proud of. Not shrouded in shame and in guilt, bathed in the tears of your children and their father, and full of the accusatory comments of friends and extended family.

What a harder road that is to go, and to ever live down, than simply to face the viability of the marriage you are in currently, and to just decide - do you want this, or not? And then pursue another relationship when you are free.

I'm sorry, but I don't condone cheating behind people's back and lying to them to their face. There are other ways to deal with the desire for immediate gratification, which all of us feel throughout our lives.

I just am trying to encourage people to think about it, although we all have our own roads to walk. There ARE a lot of downsides, it's not all fun and sexy and hot. A lot of it is traumatic, and truthfully many people's stories involve violence when the spouse finds out they've been cheated on - and with whom, and sometimes that can influence a court's decision financially and in terms of child custody (this depends on where you live), and you can get caught and lose total control of the situation and you might not even be given the choice of whether you want to divorce or not.

And, it sounds like Orchidea has not yet talked to this woman about her feelings. It's possible this woman would not respect that, and might be turned off by the fact that Orchidea is willing to carry on an emotional, or perhaps physical, affair. And so that can backfire too. And to be honest, the type of person who is willing to share a person like that who is not available... usually they are not together, don't have much self esteem, or have no impulse control or concern for others. There's a reason they're ok with taking so little, rather than requiring an open and honest relationship with a person who is unattached. So propositioning the woman might cause her not to like you, and if she agrees it might mean she is no prize and in the long term you will end up with bigger problems with her than you ever had with the husband. I have heard this from many people who did it, that a few months or a year in after leaving the husband, they then miss him because he was stable and maybe a better partner (except not a woman), and this new chick is too much drama.

It's just worth considering carefully before making a decision, because these are a lot of different lives we are talking about being affected:
- Orchidea
- the woman
-Orchidea's husband
-each one of her children individually
-Orchidea's friends and family, who may have strong reactions to adultery
-Orchidea's husband's friends and family, who very likely will have strong reactions to adultery
-Orchidea's future relationship interests, who will likely have strong feelings about Orchidea's past adultery
-the woman's friends and family, who are very likely to have strong feelings about Orchidea's adultery and may then not like Orchidea and may influence the woman to leave her

There are a lot of variables when you do things this way. It's good to map them all out and be sure you are willing to deal with all of that mess that comes along with the decision. I personally do not have the energy for that much of a headache, I would rather take my time and deal with one thing at a time.

 

Orchidea, a great husband doesn't necessarily mean great for you. I think you need to decide if you want to stay with him, independent of this interest.

For me, it was fairly easy... My husband is great for me. Coupled with that, my best friend/person I'm interested in and I would never make a good long term couple. My situation has encouraged me to be more open minded, though, about other possibilities are out there for us as a couple.

As he is realizing my attractions and frustrations, we are making adjustments in our marriage to try to accommodate my feelings. The way and amount we have sex is different; he and I are talking more about women I (and he) find attractive. At this point, we are monogamous, but (perhaps unwisely) we've started discussing the possibility of including another person at times or some other configuration.

Since realizing I still had these feelings and attractions a bit more than a year ago, I had started to see my marriage as a bit of a prison, even if it was a happy one that I created myself. I know this may be an unpopular idea, but I'm not sure everyone is cut out for monogamy, and I would rather go in with my eyes open and my husband at my side, rather than cheating.

 

It may not seem like a prison to most, but my dream the other night says I view it differently. Again, I'm not saying I'm unhappy, but I am certainly feeling trapped or constrained by my marriage/monogamy in a way I didn't previously. Concurrently, and perhaps ironically, we've used this to help make our relationship better, which is certainly a plus.

I actually worry more about his reaction than mine. I don't think I would feel jealous, but who knows. At least intellectually, I see sexual relations as a kind of natural expression of extremely close friendship. Although admittedly, I don't have many close friends :dry:

 

It seems to me Orchidea123 started the thread speaking about this totally unexpected connection and attraction that she had for a woman that came as a total surprise to her and a kind of awakening. I did not take It as she had this entire plan about how she was plotting to cheat on her husband with this woman or condoning of such. I understand Orchidea123's feelings entirely associated with the excitement of suddenly having feelings such as she does for this woman and totally being excited about them. I also understand how after having these feelings, which completely can catch one off guard as they are unexpected, makes it difficult to talk to ones husband and have your mind completely not be there in the moment. These feelings create a state of confusion, can be stressful and exciting, and totally throw one off kilter. Coming to this forum is about talking out the feelings, gathering insight into the experiences and trying to figure out where one wants to take their life. I think the scolding and judgment in a post such as this is not necessary. Having feelings such as Orchidea123 described can be so startling, esp for a woman in a Hetero relationship, we should be supportive and offer insights and what we have learned from our own experiences...

Orchidea123 I know where you're at and have felt the same. It is an amazingly confusing, beautiful, stressful and the exciting thing to go through. People are brought into our lives for a reason...some to open doors, or cause awakenings to maybe bring us where we are supposed to be. Yes, respect and consideration should be given to all parties involved, and these matters can be delicate to handle. But being honest with yourself is the most important piece of the scenario and living your true authentic life. Enjoy the butterflies

 

This. Thisity this this this. Thank you for saying this so much better than I could... xxx

 

Rainbow,

I appreciate what you had to say here to balance the diversity of views. I was married and have children but that ended in divorce. I did not pursue anyone until it was over but even then, it was awful going through all of that. I could barely concentrate on the relationship with myself in all those life changes, let alone with anyone else. Everything you said was right on target to me as far as respect, cheating, pain, children, etc,.

Orchidea, just because I agree with Rainbow on a sensitive subject, doesn't mean I am judging you or the way you feel. You have to know that. I do not think any feeling is right or wrong, it is what we do with them that is for each one to decide for themselves, no one else. I am just not one to get on board to pom pom when I think of a scenario that could happen to me .... and I know I would be completely devastated if my partner was considering acting on an attraction to someone else. I don't apologize for saying that on this board because I am talking about my own life and experiencing.