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How to meet people when you're not really out?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TeaTree, Aug 23, 2015.

  1. TeaTree

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    I've read a lot of posts here about people (especially women) who are married, or in relationships, or single even, have considered themselves mostly straight, but at some point had a short romantic/sexual experience with another person who is the same sex and they realised they are not so straight as they thought.
    I was wondering how one actually gets to the point of getting involved with someone of the same sex if you think you are straight? How did you get to the point of crossing over the friendship limit? Or how do you actually meet these people?

    I'm pretty sure now that I'm not straight, but don't really have the confidence yet to jump into the "real life" lesbian scene, so to speak. Can't even imagine myself there yet...

    Though since me coming to terms with my sexuality I started noticing girls smiling at me more than before, but I think now I'm just like those guys who think about every woman that "she wants me" just because she is smiling at them :icon_bigg
     
  2. Really

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    Yes, people. Like she said. How?!
     
  3. ChloeKiss

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    You do what I do! You dress yourself up cutely, throw on some whipped cream and throw yourself at the all the cute women! :wink: xx

    Okay in honesty I'm not sure! Good luck and sorry I couldn't really help!
     
  4. TheClosetsTight

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    I've been trying to figure out the same thing!! It's really hard when you want to explore your feelings, but you aren't out...there has to be someway if other people have had experiences before coming out. Perhaps after a night of drinking? Not the picture of romance, but at least you have no inhibitions.
     
  5. Logan40

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    I'm trying to figure this out as well. I'm single (thankfully as it would be rougher if I started to figure this stuff out while in a relationship) so I joined a couple of local meetup groups, but haven't yet attended anything.
     
  6. Lindsey23

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    Good question! I wonder the same thing. For me I'm planning on taking baby steps towards coming out. There's a coming out group I'm interested in, hopefully in the next few months I'll be able to go. I'll figure it out from there I guess. If you want to meet other lesbians you have to go where they are. Or at least where they are out so you're not invisible to each other.
     
  7. RainbowBright

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    It's not fair to get in a relationship with a woman if you can't even openly admit that you like her. Start going to LGBTQ events FIRST, and when you have worked up confidence in your identity, and have made a few friends, THEN work on the relationship aspect (probably you won't have to, because lesbians are always looking for "fresh meat," and so you may get asked out well before you're ready to ask someone else out).

    Otherwise, you can easily get in a casual relationship for sex only, by posting an online profile in any online dating site that is gay-specific or has same sex options. Within a few months, you'll probably find someone to hook up with, assuming there is no local lesbian bar for you to go to for that purpose.

    But really, you should do the work internally to address who you are and how you feel about yourself FIRST, before you bring other people into it. If you're not out, and then you meet up with a woman for a date, what if that woman happens to know people you know, or you are seen together in public, and you end up getting outed? What do you really have to offer a woman in a relationship if you know you are gay but are unwilling to even admit who you are as a person, much less be proud of it and proud of your relationship with her? Acting like an out lesbian while still being closeted has many risks, both for you and the person you're with.

    There are so many different things you could do to get out more and get comfortable with who you really are... like going to a Pride parade, an LGBTQ Center, a lesbian bar, an LGBTQ or lesbian-specific MeetUp group, using an online dating site, or going away to a lesbian event not near where you live like a music festival or a concert for a band popular with lesbians. You could see if your town has a lesbian book club, or a feminist bookstore. Attend a Women's Studies lecture on a local campus - chances are good at least SOME of the women there are gay.

    Try several of these things first, talk to people and that's all, or make friends only, and see how you feel about yourself after, and if it felt right or not. If it felt good, go to more. Hang with a few new friends. THEN, when that feels comfortable, get into the dating scene part of it. Probably your new friends can hook you up with the singles scene, or might even hit on you themselves.

    It's kind of like saying, "I really want to play on a softball team, but I refuse to practice hitting a ball or catching first. I just want somebody to start me on the team." It's a little cart-before-the-horse.

    Oh, did I mention attending or joining any women's softball, or any adult women's sports event whatsoever, will also likely get you in on hanging with a horde of lesbians? Basketball games, roller derbies, soccer, women's hockey, league of female fishers... really, take your pick, 50% of all of them at the very least swing both ways. :slight_smile: Also, female woodworking or a class for women learning about cars will probably have a few.

    Get out there and have fun!

    ---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2015 at 09:28 PM ----------

    Also, read and watch as much as possible of pro-lesbian websites and movies to help you get comfortable. There are plenty of decent lesbian movies, especially in the past 5 years, both US and from other countries. Read as much as you can of Autostraddle.com, Afterellen, SheWired, and Curve Magazine. Try going to Dinah Shore Weekend, or Michigan Womyn Fest, or Miami's White Party, etc. etc. Watch all of the L Word (personally, I think it's terrible, but it's still apparently required viewing), then watch all of The Real L Word. Watch The Real L Word Mississippi. Watch all of the UK's Lip Service. Watch all of Curl Girls. Watch Tipping the Velvet, Girltrash: All Night Long, Kissing Jessica Stein, Kiss Me, Desert Hearts, Blue is the Warmest Color (I wasn't personally into it, but I know that's like a major lesbian offense to admit it!), I Can't Think Straight, Imagine Me and You, etc. etc.

    The more you see it, the more comfortable you'll get. Immerse yourself!
     
  8. Really

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    I'm not sure if I misread the original question but the last bit of your post was what I was interested in. Making and meeting friends openly.
     
  9. TeaTree

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    Okay, so after reading RainbowBright's very detailed answer (big thank you for that) I realised -again - that I'm just plain freaked out to do most of the stuff you suggested, especially about going to LGBT events. Altough there is also this aspect that here where I live there is virtually nothing like that, but just let put this aside and be brutally honest to myself, I'm scared.

    This adds to my confusion sometimes, not so much lately but before it always came to my mind that I might not be actually a lesbian just because I'm so freaked out when it comes about being associated with lesbians. I mean a lot of times I just wish people would see me as a lesbian, but when I see some girls on the street who look like those "stereotypical lesbians" I just freak out and think they will laugh at me in a way...

    I know that this above might sound horrible, and I hope I didn't affend anyone, I just want to be brutally honest with myself othetwise what's the use, I've been lying to myself enough.

    Which brings me to the part where, in my better moments I realise that when I feel really authentic and fulfilled is when I don't try to "fit in" to some patterns, I'm just myself.

    Also I don't want to be dishonest with other women, me being in a relationship and not telling about it. That's not my plan.

    And the biggest bit here is that even if people say, just be out and then you'll meet others, the thing is I'm not there yet. I think I made a huge progress in the last month since I actually allowed myself to accept that I can be gay, but there is a long way to go.

    And I am proud of myself for this progress, but now I'm in the stage where I just would like to be able to meet LGBT people in not necessarily LGBT specific venues because I don't have the confidence to go to these yet. That's it :slight_smile:

    Like somehow I wish people would just "detect" this about me and approach me. I mean I'm usually very open lately to meet new people and I'm even the one approaching them wich is new for me, but how can I tell if they are LGBT or not...

    It's a bit of a vicious circle: to feel confident around LGBT people and places I would need to be more with them/ in those places but I'm not in those places because I'm not confident enough.
    I need to break the cycle somehow...

    About the tv shows and websites, yes, I'm doing that a lot lately. That was also a challenge at the beginning to start writing on forums like this and now I don't have any issues with that.
    So I did come a long way in a short time. Maybe I just want to move faster thay I actually can...

    Also sorry if this came across a bit harsh, I'm just feeling a bit down today :icon_sad:
     
  10. CodeForLife

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    Hi TeaTree,

    I'm probably only about 1 to 2 months ahead of you in terms of real life progress. I'm still not out. However, I did go to a hiking LGBTQ meetup where I got to talk with some folks. I met quite a few gay guys and made one friend that I'm still hanging out with now. (&&&)

    I don't want to be too harsh/blunt, but I don't think you can expect people to "detect" this about you, especially if you're still closeted as you may not be giving off the vibes. I am strongly considering my next step of getting a rainbow wristband or pin for my bag to possibly engage gay folks, but I'm still not sure if I'm ready for those as straight people would probably ask about it.

    You definitely don't need to feel confident in LGBTQ groups. Everyone's there to learn from each other. You will need to introduce yourself and talk with the folks though. That can be hard if you're introverted (like me), but I mean, it's our happiness. What is your happiness worth to you? (*hug*)

    People aren't there to judge you, they're there to get to know other LGBTQ folks, that's it. My vote is for you to gather the courage to at least test the waters at maybe a smaller event where they're doing an activity that you like. For me, this was hiking, but there are all types of events.

    I think once you meet some other LGBTQ folks in person, you will be even more accepting. They may even have tips for how to find other LGBTQ folks in your area. It could open a lot of doors for you.

    Good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  11. TeaTree

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    Hey Codeforlife, thanks for your reply :slight_smile: It's really inspiring to hear about other people's progress, and I'm happy to hear it's working out for you :slight_smile:

    There are a few things here which complicate things a bit for me. First off is that I'm living as an expat in a country where I don't really speak the local language, though there is a moderately sized English speaking community here but not so big in the city I live. So events like you mentioned are more or less nonexistent.
    Secondly, I probably have a lot of internalised not exactly homophobia, but some deep stigma about all this, and fear, which sucks, I know, but for now it's like a veil showing up in my mind and limiting my actions and yeah, basically making me miserable.

    What I do know is when the veil is not there and I allow myself to be myself I feel that nothing can stop me and I'm not letting any outside or inside judgement define who I am. And fortunately I feel this more and more often lately.
    But still I have this huge fear a lot of times of getting myself out there and being judged and ridiculed. So yeah, I'm trying, but it's not a smooth ride and sometimes I lose direction.
     
  12. CodeForLife

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    No problem TeaTree. And you should absolutely go at your own pace. (*hug*) There's no rush, just think it through as fast or slowly as you feel comfortable doing.

    I too accepted that I am gay, admitted it to myself, said it aloud to myself, pretty recently. I am sure I still hold some internalized homophobia/stigma since I feel really uncomfortable talking about these subjects to/around non-LGTBQ people. See this thread I posted: Comfortable on EC, Uncomfortable in the real world. It's still valid for me.

    What has helped me so far is EC and meeting with a gay friend in real life (who I met on the meetup). I can see why the meetup situation might be hard if there aren't many folks that speak English. Who knows though, people there might just speak some English?
     
  13. RainbowBright

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    Sorry Tea Tree, I did not notice that you were in Central Europe. It complicates things even more that you don't speak the local language. I would do some research for locally accepted signs of being lesbian (or feminist, which can put you in touch with some lesbians and bi women), and put those symbols on your jacket or bag. Just be sure that it is safe to do so where you are.

    I would strongly recommend that you take some time out, if just a weekend, to travel to a big city in the region, where the out gay folk are likely to be, and to go to a club, or lesbian bar, or LGBTQ space of some sort. There are likely some within train distance SOMEWHERE of you! And you are definitely not alone, likely there are other gay women right where you live, but they don't feel comfortable being out either. So check out the city scene. One option if there is no gay presence anywhere even in the closest major city, is to go to a club with young people, and see if any drunk girls would be willing to kiss you (if that is safe to do where you are). But that's kind of a last resort, you should be able to find gayness somewhere in your region, although I can't help because you don't mention what country. In the meantime, keep your lesbian symbols on, or patches of a lesbian-popular band, and smile at every woman you meet - especially the ones who like your symbols!

    If you see gay-looking ladies around town, be bold and ask them if they know a cool spot for local women to hang out. You can learn at least that much in the local language, and that question will probably get you where you want to go without ever having to out yourself - these women of course might be straight, but they might also be friendly and tell you the hot spot, or invite you to come to somebody's house party. Take one step at a time.

    Do people in your area know T.A.T.U., or Pussy Riot? You could maybe put a patch representing the bands on your bag or somewhere, and if this is too much of a dangerous political statement, you could do it only for a bag that you take with you into the city trip. Both are likely to draw lesbians. Even better, if there is a concert or rally or something along those lines for those bands. You could also attend a city activist event for LGBTQ rights, and just walk around the fringe as if you are an observer ntil you decide if you want to join and say hi or not.

    It is really worth saving the money to get out of town for the local lesbian mecca (maybe a local vacation hotspot that's NOT a city?), if only for one weekend a year - it will make a huge difference in your perspective and your confidence. Meanwhile, most of the shows and movies I mentioned can be found for free online, on multiple websites, including youtube. So you can get yourself prepared. Apparently, a whole slew of lesbian movies are being released this year also, none of which I have seen. So that will keep you busy until you are able to get out to see people in person. In the meantime, any group of all women at all near you has a good chance of having at least one lesbian among them, so you can seek out all-female spaces and just make friends and see where that goes (but probably not a church group!). :slight_smile:

    Check out the multiple travel guides available for LGBTQ travelers to Central Europe (and specifically your country if you have a decent amount if tourism). They will alert you to all the hotspots, and plenty of resources.

    Europe has a lot of gay activity, even if not specifically in your town, or even in your country. Get out and see some people in person once in a while just to connect, and see how it makes you feel.

    If you can, you should also check out the movie "Room in Rome"/Habitacion en Roma if that is not considered illegal pornography or something in your country. It is a pretty hot (although definitely male-oriented) movie from Spain with a story about 2 women who meet in Rome and have an affair in a hotel room. You can get it subtitled in English but also has some Italian, Spanish, and Russian, and the women are gorgeous. It's an erotic film, but I think if it had a rating in the US it would be 'R', I don't think it would classify as actual porn. There is nudity, but it's not like a XXX film. Maybe it will inspire you to meet another woman on the street and fall in love! :slight_smile:
     
    #13 RainbowBright, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  14. CameronMR

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    I've had some success with ******, if that or similar is an option in your area you might explore it. Most of the girls I meet are lonely housewives who desperately need a distraction. Which I am ok with in this part of my journey. Until I'm out to my boyfriend, I can't make a commitment. I have also met a few wonderful ladies with whom I have made friendships with, and we both know that there is always the possibility of more. I live in a small red-neck town but the girls who like girls do seems to stand apart in small ways. Also, a suggestion by another member was to wear a rainbow bracelet and see what happens.