I'm saying "again", because I already told him about a month ago that I'm questioning. So today I've decided that I want to start being more honest and true to myself, and one part of that is to have a more detailed conversation with him. I just want to say that if every experience of coming out will be like this I rather won't do it again or move to the desert or something. I told him also about my history of attraction to women (though tried to be gentle) and about the past year of emotional numbness and that I always felt that somehow something was missing from our relationship sexually and romantically. I know these all are very difficult to hear, though partially he knew about some of these before. So his reaction was extremely cynical and also sarcastic in some cases. Like when I was saying that one-two months ago I felt this huge draw towards reading and watching LGBT related stuff, he told me on a very cynical tone that lately he has been drawn to watch videos about illegal imigrants on Youtube but that doesn't mean he is one. Or when I told him that since in a relationship with him I've gradually isolated myself from other people, he burst out "I told you not to do that, but you did't listen, etc... And this was the issue for a long time for me - when talking to him I've been feeling invalidated and somehow forced to have the "right opinion". I was in denial about this for a long time too...He says it's just me and he is not invalidating, it's just my obsession :icon_sad: And this sucks because we used to be really close. At the end we concluded that we both want to stay close, if possible, so it's not a breakup. He was my best friend but I don't know, lately he's been extremely cynical and negative all the time, criticising everything...Also he really wanted and still wants a child, with me. Though now he knows it won't happen. Also knows I don't want to have sex with him again...Which is again not easy to hear. Ah, and most importantly he knows I'm definitely not straight. Though he says that nobody is 100% straight or gay, but yeah, this is another story. So now I don't know what will happen, we hugged at the end and it was very emotional, somehow I had that feeling what you feel when something ends and you remember the good parts and feelings you had and love for that person, it all comes back in one nostalgic and painful moment. I just feel so empty now and not sure I'm strong enough to continue all this... I though I'll feel better but it's just a lot of pain :icon_sad: Sorry, I needed to get this down. Maybe I need to get through this step to be able to go further... ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2015 at 12:54 AM ---------- Just to add something now after this emotional moment I feel in a way that a lot of feelings I've had towards my boyfriend are coming back like this nostalgic love-feeling. Like I still love him and want to be with him. Now I'm a bit confused. Though sexually I don't know, I mean I can't imagine wanting that part. Is this just because I've opened myself so much? Basically I still want to be close to him but want to be close to other people too. So a bit confused.
Congratulations on having a tough conversation. Hopefully it will get easier, and I hope you both end up wanting the same thing in a friendship, or wherever you end up. It sounds like he was kind of shutting you down, and it may be that he's still in denial too. Feel proud that you had the courage to be yourself and stand on your feet. It was hard, but you did it!
(*hug*)(*hug*)I am both proud of you and envious of your courage! I am horrible with words so when my time comes I'll likely just mumble and cry.
(*hug*)Good for you! It sounds like it wasn't a very happy conversation (obviously!) but you are so brave to be discussing this with him. I consider myself a risk-taker, but I still can't bring myself to talk to my husband. He seems content and oblivious... We'll not entirely, but he doesn't seem at all concerned about our relationship. You are taking some major steps, I hope you can see that. Xo
Ending a relationship is always painful, even when it needs to end. It's going to hurt for a while but it will get better and you will be happy again. It's interesting what you said about having that nostalgic love-feeling. I had a similar moment with my husband recently and felt that very suddenly and strongly. I was so confused by it. Still am really. But I know if I don't move forward I will always feel stuck in our relationship and never fully happy. It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling that.
Oh TeaTree, this does NOT sound like it was fun at all... I'm sorry your BF was such a jerk about it (in case you weren't sure - he was being a jerk!). And I think that the nostalgic feelings about why you love(d) a person are completely normal, and I don't think that they mean that you still want to be with him! As you said, you don't want to have sex again, and that is kind of a major part of a relationship... Great job being so brave and telling him - and you have all of us to lean on when you need a (virtual) hug, ok? xxx
Thanks guys so much for replying. I'm sorry after these I haven't really been up to writing too much here. I know it's not easy for him, I was just afraid that he will confuse me even more, which happened of course I was thinking shouldn't coming out feel much better? Today I started wondering if I'm not making a mistake, if I'm not ruining my life for not taking the chace to have children with him, and the usual one, why haven't I figured this out sooner in life. But these thoughts are only creating this vicious circle of suffering and somehow giving up my powers and I don't want to be there again. I mean, in the last weeks I felt like I discovered this huge shiny treasure hidden inside for a long time, but now I'm wondering where did that all go, was it real? I know though that I can't go back to where I was before and that I wanted so much to finally discover the real me. But now it's only a lot of fear there. Hopefully things will get clearer soon. On a more realistic note, thing is that we still live together and basically didn"t break up. Just trying to redefine our relationship. And I have no idea what will happen next. But to be able to be myself I might need not to be around him too much for a while.
I think maybe you are right. Perhaps start considering a break up plan? Or a "Lets take a break" plan? And maybe, since he's so defensive, make sure you know what you want/have an exit strategy if and when you bring it up next. These are just thoughts, as I'm thinking about the same kind of stuff right now. I think you are very brave (*hug*)
Was he the first person you came out to? That wouldn't feel good because he's too close to the situation and wants so much for it to not be true. If you want it to feel good you should come out to an open minded friend. That feels amazing. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you through this? I saw one for a long time and I wouldn't have come as far as I have if it weren't for her. If you can't find one in your area consider seeing one online. Many are willing to see people through Skype. Just a thought.
I think what I need to do now is to take care of myself more (writing this after having slept only four hours tonight...), from healthy eating, continuing to do sports more often, sorting out some health issues I have and most importantly always being there to myself. This last one is very important as I noticed how much I have been abandoning myself, the negative and aggressive self talk, I'm not doing that anymore. So basically I'm learning how to love myself And also to completely accept where I am now - so if I feel like taking steps slow I'll do that without self judgement. For now I was thinking to go somewhere by myself for a few days, not sure where yet, and haven't really done this before but I really want to. Lindsey23, I had a therapyst, well, I mean for two sessions, after that she told me something like that she cannot help me, and also told me to go to some local LGBT organisation and talk to people from there. She was going to send me some contacts but never did. Though not sure if I would have contacted them. Anyway I'm thinking now to find another one, maybe this time I'll be luckier, because in spite of what she said I do need help and I could really benefit from some therapy. About the coming out part, yeah, I knew it won't be a walk in the park with my boyfriend but I would have preferred him to yell or cry than to throw himself in this deep cynical attitude sprinkled with ice cold sarcasm. And his negativity about everything is not a new thing, it's not only triggered by me coming out, it's something I've felt for a long time. But now I can't say anything about it, in this situation. It just feels like all my fears of life are triggered when he is around me and I'm stuck. So stuck that I can't move out from the relationship... I'm still pondering to come out to a colleague, but I literally have only a couple of days until she will move away to another country. We've been very close in the last month, and for me she started being more than a friend... So I don't know, but she is one of the most open minded people I know and she's been asking about what's going on as she noticed I'm having some issues lately. Plus we are always in public spaces with people around so I didn't really feel comfortable to tell her until now.
I think going somewhere by yourself for a few days is a great idea, have a kind of retreat and spend the time journaling or meditating or whatever it is you do to get clarity... And good luck with the colleague, it sounds like you really want to tell her before she leaves - and since she is leaving she would probably be a "safe" person to come out to... Keep us updated, we are here for you! virtually anyway... xxx
TeaTree, I totally understand the negative self talk thing. I used to do it a lot. But I gradually realized a couple of things: 1. I'd never let anyone else treat me the way I treated myself. 2. Being mean to myself wasn't making me do better or act better. I made everything worse. I started just noticing when I did it, which was often. Then, I would counter what I said first as in "I'm stupid... No, I just made a mistake. I can fix it." Or "I'm so fat... But I'm working on eating healthy and exercising, so I will see results of my hard work soon." I made something that felt like a permanent thing into something temporary or fixable. I've gotten to the point (after more than 3 years doing that) where I rarely catch myself doing it anymore. I still feel overwhelmed sometimes (especially when both kids start whining/crying at the same time) but I don't talk down to myself anymore. I don't know if that will help or not, but that's what I did.
I'm not doing that "I'm stupid" talk anymore either, went through a similar unlearning process you mentioned. So I've come a long way from where I was let's say 10 years ago, my own worst enemy. Sometimes I think that's one of the reasons I could't allow myself sooner to look more deeply into who am I, I was so blinded by self hate. Those days are over now, but it's a journey, so never ending. I still have the type of "are you sure you are able to to this or that? Maybe you want too much, more you can have" type of self talk but it's much more conscious now.
I wonder often if I want more than is possible (or right), but I'm trying to move towards my discomfort rather than hiding from it as I've done so often in my life. It's hard to do that with my anxiety, but I find that some of my anxiety has lessened being able to talk here and starting to include my husband in more of the conversations.
