Hello, I am new to this site, a lot is new for me right now. I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as I recently began taking bigger steps to explore my bisexuality and acknowledge a growing interest in relations with a man. I consider that I have come out to myself and then only a few people. I haven't had a sexual encounter with another person for a few years, and before that I only had relations with females. I've known for quite sometime that bisexual feelings and urges exist, but it is more recently that I started feeling stronger about men and really struggling with how I feel about this part of me I haven't explored, I felt some shame that I haven't been more courageous or confident about the whole thing. However, I feel like I am exploring steps to sort this out and be more open and understand my sexuality better, so I know I've got to be moving in the right direction, I know it's not easy, but I could use some words of support as I'm having some emotions or levels of emotions I haven't felt. I remember having sexual thoughts or being attracted to guys, but it wasn't that strong in the past and I am also aroused by women. I also know that being bisexual made it easier to be closeted about certain aspects of myself. Anyway, I recently joined ******, after having the account set up for a little while I changed my interest to both men and women. I realize ****** may not be the best forum to start this journey, seeing as how I'm looking to date versus just hooking up right away, but it has been a catalyst. I have chatted with men and women, but mostly guys. I have only met with two people I've matched with and both have been guys. I feel like I've sort of put things into overdrive starting as recently as last week. I went and met with a counselor Wednesday and for the first time ever I talked to another person openly about how I feel and my bisexuality. Then I came out to my sister on Friday, she was supportive, and then I followed that by going out with one of the guys I met on ****** Friday night and even going to a gay bar with him. I also drank a lot during the day and night Friday which made me feel depressed the following day. Then Saturday night the same guy and I hung out and watched a movie, I was definitely aroused just sitting next to him, but neither of us made any moves, we've kept it to hugging and that's only when we part ways. The first guy I met up with from ****** was very forward and I wasn't ready and I turned his advances down and we haven't talked again. I can't tell exactly what the second guy wants or is looking for, but we have hung out 3 times and texted a lot, I feel like I am crushing on him pretty hard, because I get really anxious when I send him a text and excited when he responds. I keep wanting to text him and it's making me feel a little unstable which I am not used to. I'm typically very laid back and not easily shaken by others. I feel excited and kind of scared of this whole thing and the emotional instability I've experienced the past few days. Again, drinking so much over the weekend compounded my fears and more irrational feelings or negativity. Additionally, I told the first guy I have never been with a guy and have only been with girls. I haven't told that to this guy I like or at least feel pretty into. It's not that I don't intend to tell him this truth, but I haven't. I know this is long winded, but ultimately I feel like I am overthinking a lot and need to give myself a break considering the bigger steps I've taken recently. However, I've both liked and disliked how I've felt over the past few days, while I've felt excited/hopeful and positive, I've also felt negative and a little hopeless. It didn't help that I over drank this weekend and too much alcohol gives me PPD. "Post party depression", haha. Positive input, constructive remarks and support are much appreciated. Thanks.
Welcome to EC! It sounds like you are doing well. You've come a long way in a short time. I can see how that would throw you off a bit though. It's good that you are seeing a counselor to help you process your feelings. That should help tremendously. I'm excited for you, you've met someone and he likes you back. That's really awesome. Enjoy it.
Welcome to EC. You are in the right place to explore your emotions and thoughts. Your post made me feel like you are being a very honest and authentic person right now - to yourself at least. Thats the first crucial step! All the stuff you are going through with your feelings for this second guy sounds like pretty human emotions that we all have when we crush on someone male or female, gay or straight or bisexual. I guess for us on EC the added complication is the shame we can feel about our sexuality and its too easy to get the two lots of emotions muddled up. So may be you keep meeting this guy and see how it goes with all the excitement and risks and ups and downs we human beings have when we connect with each other. Meanwhile you have started a journey to accept a part of you you have not explored and kept hidden for whatever reason for many years may be? Seeing a counsellor and talking to people on EC are two good steps to dealing with this. From my experience, use the same self-honesty you are showing about the current situation you are in now to how you have been or not been in the past. I have found that only by going back and re-visiting and releasing old feelings of shame and unworthiness and guilt etc etc can I really be free in the present. Its a journey and it can be difficult but I think its worth. Good luck with all thats going on for you right now…
Hi Steve, thanks for posting. I haven't been on EC much recently but the last couple of years have been a bit of a roller coaster for me as well. Sounds like you are addressing this with a pretty healthy approach. I think one thing I didn't anticipate when I actually started telling people about my sexuality is how long this process would take. It's different for everybody. Do what feels right and don't rush yourself. A big step for me was simply accepting my sexuality completely, which I did not do until last year. Take your time and enjoy the process, difficult as it may be. It's nice you met a good guy. I think one thing I have learned is that, when meeting guys initially, trying to forge friendships with guys is probably better than trying to forge romantic relationships right away. I think it's a little bit more difficult not knowing what the other party's intentions or interest levels are. Taking it slow is best if you want to keep this person around. But that's just my two cents .
I appreciate both of your responses and support. Lindsey, I got yours last night before bed and it actually helped me sleep. He is going home for about a week starting tomorrow, I was thinking of emailing him to tell him what I mentioned in my first post, but I don't know if I should try to do it in person. Sometimes email is better and sometimes I feel like it just seems better because it is easier. Any thoughts? Although we don't have anything concrete, we talked about doing something when he returns because he has a few more days off, we even have discussed the possibility of something which would involve going somewhere overnight, so I kind of want to just email him so he has a chance to process/soak up the information before we hang out when he returns, whether we end up hanging out again or not... overthinking I know. I want to be more honest in general, but particularly someone I am interested in and may be interested in me. ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2015 at 11:25 AM ---------- jnr183, great post, I appreciate it. I think I have been rushing a bit, but luckily I also haven't done anything I really regret. I find what you said helpful, and it is good to hear from someone who knows that there is a good chance of this being a long process rather than a swift one.
Hello again! Hmm, I'm really unsure if it's better to email that or not. If it were me I think I'd prefer a face to face conversation. That way I could gauge their reaction. But It certainly isn't wrong to express that in an email. And given the circumstances it makes sense. Either way I hope it goes well for you. Keep us posted and try not to over think it.
Hi Steve, I read your post over in the tread I started, and yes -- I see the similarities too. It's heartening to know you're not alone in facing these particular struggles. You're further along your journey than I am, and I admire your drive to be open and your willingness to be vulnerable. Despite the emotional rollercoaster, I can see the flickers of excitement and joy in your recent experiences with men. Although I don't speak from experience, I think I'm a pretty intuitive person (except when it comes to myself!), and I believe that once the 'newness' of being open about your bisexuality wears off, you will be left with an elevated sense of peace, acceptance and happiness. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a worrier. I worry about things I don't have control over, and how they might go terribly wrong. For me, the prospect of exploring my sexuality has been fraught with such terror, that I've been in a sort of 'suspended animation' for better part of my adult life. I've countered this by throwing myself at academics and school, but now as I'm nearing the end of my educational odyssey, I can feel the panic set it. The things about my sexuality that I hoped would be settled by now remain unresolved. Instead of using school as a distraction from these issues, I now want to use the relative freedom of the student life unique supports I have access to to get past this roadblock in my life. So yes, I overthink. You do too. But we can forge ahead through the fear and still be okay on the other side (I mostly know this from your posts, not mine!) I can 100% relate to what you call PPD (I call it an 'emotional hangover'). For me, too much alcohol screws up my sleep, and makes me feel depressed the next day. Sometimes it even takes a couple days to get back to feeling normal. From my experience, I find it hard to be objective about my feelings and responses when I have PPD. In the search for honesty and authenticity, I think the truth might come faster if you consciously moderate your alcohol intake and take care to get good sleep. I know this is easier said than done, but it's an important part of taking care of your mental health.
Hey Antinous, It really is heartening because there are times I feel good and times I don't feel so good, I don't have many people I can talk to about this new experience I'm going through in an open/honest manner, in some ways I feel more alone than I did before. In some ways I would almost compare it to going through puberty all over again, exciting and in other ways I feel quite anxious. I think there are some rough patches, many of which are self-induced, but you it is generally positive. I feel optimistic and agree with regarding your comment about eventually being left with an elevated sense of peace, acceptance and happiness. My counselor was helpful, but I consider myself intuitive as well and there were times where I felt like she wanted to shake me and say don't worry so much and enjoy this journey as much as you can. Easier said than done. But she also stressed finding/keeping a balance. I've done things similar to you, focused a lot on work, learning other languages and getting my masters. In ways it seemed easier to closet that part of myself and I had thought many things would settled by now too. However, that's why I realize these steps and this journey is so important and I don't see true benefits in putting it off any longer. I don't mean anyone should rush anything, but just starting with facing it and being honest with yourself, then let the rest happen at your pace/organically. I know, I say that all the time in my posts, haha. Your whole post is great, but that last paragraph is spot on! How did your appointment with your counselor go? Good I hope...
Hey steve002, How's your journey going? I posted an update in my other thread. Overall, the counselling seems like a good step, and I've articulated ideas I've never spoken aloud before and I didn't explode, so that's good. The hard part seems that between sessions now, my emotions are all over the place, and I absolutely can't concentrate on anything.
Hey Antinous, I'll have to read your update, remind me the name of that thread again? I haven't been on EC lately. In general, my journey is going well. I confessed my crush, or whatever it was, to the guy I mentioned earlier in this thread the other night in a text after we hung out. He responded, "lets be friends, I am liking that." I was bummed and felt a bit silly, but I also felt relieved. For one, I appreciate honesty, but more importantly, I think I need more friends right now because so many I match with/meet simply want to hook up. I am still going out on dates with guys and I have even messed around with a couple guys, but nothing big like sex. One of them I have been spending more time with, I know he is into me. It's not that I am not into him, but I am not ready to go where I think he wants to go. I am confused because I simultaneously feel like taking a step back from him and wanting to hang out with him too. I think a big issue is that I don't feel like I have any friends I can talk openly about this journey and my experiences with it thus far. On days I feel more confused than I did before. I haven't told anyone new other than strangers I have met for a drink or a bite, but they are both already aware and people I have no history with or prior relationship. My positivity has ebbed and flowed, but most times I feel better and more at peace with myself. I think I need to come on here when I'm feeling more positive, I tend to come here when I am feeling a bit down. Try not to let this journey and associated emotions consume you. You're strong and you're doing the right thing, just be patient with yourself. I don't know if that was for you or for myself, haha. Anyway, I am rambling. I will read your other post so I can see how your journey is going.
