Two-Year Committed Relationship - Still Introduced as 'Friend'

It sounds like she's not as out as you are. I wonder if there is something going on at work that you aren't aware of. Maybe someone there is blatantly homophobic.

 

Hey whirrledpeas (cute name ) :icon_bigg

I understand where you are coming from and I can relate.

My wife (41) and I (46) have been together 12 years. I am totally out. Family. Friends. Coworkers. Doctors. Everyone.

My wife is also out, except at work. She doesn't lie. She wears her wedding ring. She simply chooses to be private about it....at work. She has introduced me as a friend to her coworkers, which has caused me to roll my eyes, but I haven't pressured her on it. I accept it, although I have told her she is making a mistake, as some of her coworkers will probably be hurt when they learn the truth.

I seem to be like you. Outgoing.

My wife is more reserved and private. She also has less self confidence than I do and that causes her to sometimes be shy. Perhaps your girlfriend is like her?

I just allow her to do her thing and don't pressure her on it. I also do not take it personally, as I know she is very proud of me, and our life together. She simply chooses to keep things private with some people.

I will add we don't socialize with any of her work friends, which she keeps at arms length.

Is your girlfriend shy or introverted?

 

It is a dangerous world out there. Prudence lives.

My partner/boyfriend were at a straight restaurant with another gay couple. I referred to my partner/boyfriend as "honey" in usual voice and soon my friend referred to his 12 year married husband as "honey". Husband said "Great. Now everybody knows". All three of us felt odd at his prudence.

 

Is there a practical reason? Do you live in a location where she can lose her job, or where your ability to get a mortgage/rent a home could legally be threatened?

I am very private myself, and do not share my personal life at work. But that would be no different regardless of what sex my partner was. If I ever get close enough to someone at work to see or talk to them outside of work as a friend, I would share more of my business with them. But in some of the jobs that I have had, business is cutthroat and so I do not ever trust anyone enough to get that close, at least until I have left the job. I would be very clear to be open about my significant other with people for whom it matters, who are actually in my life.

You really need to discuss this at length with her before getting engaged. You also need to discuss things about if you plan to have children, how you would handle being out regarding them, their school, their peers, etc. How you will talk to them about being gay or not being gay. How you will raise them in general. I realize that there are a lot of emotions around getting engaged, but it's not just about how much you love another person. It's a lifetime commitment with a lot of practical day-to-day stuff involved, so I think it's a good idea to talk openly about the possibility of getting married beforehand, and to go through the standard compatibility testing/relationship counseling first to determine if you two are really ready. There is a book for example called "Premarital Counseling for Gays and Lesbians" that might be helpful. A proposal is the most romantic, when you know you're ready beforehand, and you both know for sure there are no doubts.

If you got married, would she tell, and invite, any coworkers? Or all the appropriate family and friends? Would she be open to neighbors, or strangers, about it? If you guys are intense in the planning phase, and you will then be away on a honeymoon, is she going to be honest about that with coworkers when they ask what she's up to lately, or when she asks for leave?

I personally think when your job or home or safety is at risk, that it's ok to omit some information to be allowed to freely and safely live your life. But, it is important to find out if that privacy is coming from a place of fear, shame, personal habit, or what. You two need to find a common ground that you are both ok with. If there is no risk of being out, I think it is totally fair to require a partner who is fully out as you are, although she may not be able to meet this requirement. Then you'll have to decide what to do. But yes, it is going to come up again and again throughout married life. When you move. When/if you have kids. In an emergency. It's pretty hard to be closeted, especially in today's world. You both have things to talk about, and an understanding to come to, before you are ready for that next step. Marriage is hard enough to keep together, even when you both start it on exactly the same page. I hope you can work out something that makes you both feel good.

 

In some circumstances I went through this with my last boyfriend. He was 100% out, I wasn't. Even though he was my "friend" on a handful of occasions only, I was still bothered by it enough that I finally came out to everyone (work, family, friends, you name it).

 

I would find this really hurtful. I would certainly never propose to anyone who wasn't comfortable with admitting I was an important part of their life.

 

The fact that she is a very private person is still no defence.

Part of what it is to be in a relationship is the need to sometimes stretch our boundaries a little, to venture outside of our zones of comfort, for the sake of the other...put another way: what is worthwhile about (good) relationships is that they tend to make us better than we thought we could ever be.

She needs to understand just how much this is hurting you, and you have every right to expect more from her on this score.