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Guilt over ex

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by FoxSong, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. FoxSong

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    So this is a weird one.

    I've started dating a woman I like, things are developing in a deeper direction than I originally anticipated and that's good (ok, a little scary) but I'm happy to just see where this takes me. No, I'm not a hundred percent certain what I want. Neither is she. We're both at weird junctions in our lives and the timing and logistics aren't convenient for either of us but it is what it is. We like each other enough to see where the rabbit hole goes anyway.

    So now for the weird part. I feel guilty over my ex-husband. I know he's not nearly in a place where he could start seeing someone else and developing feelings for them. I haven't even told him I'm dating anyone. We're still friends, close friends and there's still a lot of love there. I know he's still hurting over the fact that I'm gay and the fact that ended our marriage. We've been apart nearly a year now. I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for here, I'm just wondering whether anyone else has had this type of situation (the new relationship interest and the guilt over the potential pain it could cause the ex-spouse) and how you came to terms with it?

    I really don't want to hurt him any further by telling him this either... but it's difficult because we are friends.
     
  2. latenlife lez

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    I understand not wanting to hurt your ex- I feel the same way. My ex- is not quite and ex yet- and we are very clear this is what we are doing. I am seeing someone and he is not. Where we live I am totally in the closet- for our children's safety- they would be bullied horrible- and it is small community so this is why we would not file for divorce- everyone would know- and we don't want everyone to know.

    I have asked him several times if he would like to even test any waters- and his response is NO- I can't- I am not interested- so I have asked the question.

    He is supportive over my relationship but I have a feeling deep down he is not as ok as he seems- and honestly that is his issue. I have tried to make it mine- since I am the one who has stopped our married relationship- but his feelings are his.

    I think being mindful of feelings is good-but being honest is better. If he gets upset- that is his choice- one you can respond to by saying you are sorry- but in reality there is nothing else yo can do

    Just my thoughts
     
  3. High Art

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    I haven't come out to my husband yet - but I was thinking about this subject the other day. I think for the person who comes out, it might be more likely for them to move on "faster" because we've spent so much time dealing with our acceptance of the situation pre-break up. The hetero-partner who gets broken up with - they are still going to be dealing with these changes long after - because they started the grieving process later.

    This is just a theory of mine. I think if you were able to come out to him, you will have what it takes to let him know you are seeing someone. You can spare him the details.

    Try being kind to yourself, and let yourself enjoy the good stuff - you've been through enough shit - we only live once.

    Just my opinion based on your post :slight_smile: And I think it's great that you and your ex are friends.
     
  4. TeaTree

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    I see kind of the same way HighArt mentioned above. You come out to him after already being through a few phases of this process of loss (and gain but that's not always visible for the person), but he has to start from the beginning.
    So he needs more time, but that doesn't mean that his acceptance process should get in the way of your happiness.

    This is obviously easier said than done. You are still connected emotionally in a way of course.

    I came out to my boyfriend a couple of days ago, but he already knew I'm questioning. I also can't imagine him in a new relationship with someone, he is just so negative and cynical lately (not only since I came out to him).
    I used to hope he will meet someone with whom he can be who he really wants to be, to have children and so on. He said he was actually already considering to find someone to have children with (before me coming out, when he knew I don't want children) but couldn't find anyone else, he wanted that with me.

    All I can do is hope for him that some day he will get over this and will be open to find someone if that's what he wants.

    I would like to help him and to remain close friends, but setting boundaries is very important in all this. Guilt has its function until it's showing you where and what you can actually fix. Beyond that it's toxic and useless, I think.
     
  5. FoxSong

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    Thanks for the input guys :slight_smile: Yeah, I think it makes sense that the two partners in this kind of break-up would process things at different speeds. The friends aspect does make it hard though. It's difficult to strike a balance between trying to maintain empathy for what he's also going through with the reality that I need to move forward after repressing so much shit for so long.

    But yeah, TeaTree, you're right - guilt is useless after a certain point.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    Is it guilt or regret? Or maybe both? I do believe it's a very natural emotion under the circumstances. While there are plenty of reasons why my ex has some responsibility for our relationship (I was honest before we got married that I had been with the same sex where she could have made her own decisions; during our marriage after we had kids the intimacy fell off a cliff and I felt I had been neglected, etc etc), I do shoulder the vast majority of the responsibility. And I am ok with that.

    In fact. That small tinge of regret and guilt that remains is a reminder for me of all the difficulties I went through. Given where I am today, where I am more content than I can ever remember being, it's a part of me that should always remain.

    My ex is progressing well herself. She seemed to have gained character and strength; and she has pushed herself to levels of achievement in her life that I am extremely proud of and that I believe she is even surprised herself at (she accepted an offer for a head position which she was not otherwise expecting). While she is not seeing anyone herself; she takes pride in being there for our youngest daughter whom still has a few years left at school. And her relationship with our two daughters provides sufficient emotional fulfilment for the time being.

    Our relationship has evolved massively over the past three years, but not in the way I desired. Initially, we promised to be best friends and remain involved with each other. Sadly, and I guess consistent with the gilt and regret I feel, our relationship, while very cordial, is now strictly on an "as-needed" basis, effectively only dealing with the most material issues with our children.

    When we see each other, we do seem to share a quick glance at each other which seems to embed everything we did have together but also includes the recognition that our lives with now and forever remain separate and distinct. Or, maybe that's just my guilt and regret talking.
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Aug 27, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2015
  7. Choirboy

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    My ex and I have both observed that it would be a whole lot easier for both of us if we could just hate each other. Our relationship was always rather codependent to begin with--I'm very much a caregiver at heart, and she had a lot of issues with responsibility (among many other things). When I came out to her I imagined staying with her for years and slowly testing the rainbow waters, and then 6 months later I met an amazing guy without even looking for him, and all my assumptions, and hers, we're blown straight to hell.

    We're still figuring out what we are to each other, and while I'm content to be Hoke to her Miss Daisy, I also realize that we're very different in many ways, with very little overlap in our lives besides the kids, and she will either grow up in a new direction without me, or maybe find someone new who will make me largely irrelevant. But that takes time. All you can do is try to be fair and kind, and as see what direction your relationship goes.

    I should also mention that she was aware of my partner almost from the start--she sensed something had changed, even before things really developed, and I didn't keep any of it a secret. It did hurt her and still does, but it's reality, and I've pointed out to her that he's not going away, and there will fewer and fewer chances for her to interact with me without him being close by. She knows that, and can't deal with it now, but it's on the table. Hiding and protecting may seem kind right now, but the suspense on your part and the surprise on his may be more painful than just ripping off the band aid.
     
    #7 Choirboy, Aug 27, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2015
  8. angeluscrzy

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    I agree with a lot of the comments above. There's no way to avoid hurting the ex, and all you can really do is control how you go about things.