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Coming Out Letter to Parents: Draft

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SimpleMan, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. SimpleMan

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    Hi all,

    I tend to ramble in my writing so I wanted to post this here to see if anyone had any thoughts or advice on this letter.

    For reference, my mom can be incredibly emotionally volatile and emotionally abusive when she is upset. This is why I am asking for the one week moratorium on contact to hopefully give her time to let her emotions cool down before we talk. I guess the letter is more geared toward her than my dad who I think will be ok but I think it is important to address them together knowing my family dynamics. Also I changed names and religious traditons in the hopes of avoiding a religious debate. (The name changes make it somewhat comical actually!) :slight_smile:

    _______________________________________________


    Mom and Dad,

    I can’t seem to ever get his out in person so I am writing a letter. As a heads up, the girls (my sisters) are all aware I am sending you this letter and know things could be difficult with the family dynamic for a while because of it. I am also going to be out of touch and not responding to texts for at least a week. I think it’s important for all of us to have breathing room for at least a week while you digest this information. I know surprising information like this can be really difficult to take.

    The last few years you keep commenting about how I need to find a woman and get married. The reason I’ve never been in a relationship is because I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I am unworthy of any love or connection. Even from a young age I always felt like I never quite fit in and didn’t understand why.

    It wasn’t until late college until I fully understood and came to terms with the fact that I am gay. I know that may sound confusing given the fact that I had “crushes” on girls when I was younger and always denied being gay when someone brought it up. That was only me trying to fit in with everyone else and go along with the cultural norm even though I did not feel anything. I know it might also be confusing because most guys come out when they are much younger. Again, I didn’t come to terms with the fact that I could never have a meaningful relationship with a woman until late college. There is just absolutely no physical attraction at all there. A mixture of being in denial, low self- esteem, and just struggling to survive school due to my ADHD and anxiety just added to that struggle.

    After I came to terms with it in late college, I decided I would simply just never have any romantic relationships and soldier on as the good Pastafarian kid that I was raised to be and try to keep the fact I am gay a secret. Unfortunately by keeping that secret, I lost my ability to trust anyone and it left me more and more isolated, depressed, and anxious. It let me feeling like I was constantly under attack when people would bring up relationships or dating. The pain was very real. I would never wish the kind of pain on anyone.

    It is probably no surprise to you that I always skewed liberal in relation to Pastafarian beliefs. Even as I believed everyone in this world deserved love and connection, I couldn’t believe I could possibly deserve that. Even as I tried to at least hold onto a semblance of Pastafarian identity through working at camp, I lost the ability to believe. It was never a truly conscious choice. It just disappeared as I struggled with what I saw science showed to be objective truths that conflicted with Pastafarian teaching. I am pretty much agnostic at this point in my life. I think this is likely to be more upsetting for you than my being open and authentic about the fact that I am gay. I want to be clear my intention is not to hurt you. It is to be open and authentic about who I am and make sure I am not keeping any secrets from you. I firmly believe that the only way I can find happiness in my life is to be open and authentic. And I can honestly say my life has gotten incrementally better as I have come out to more and more people. I know the people who truly love me won’t abandon me even if they disagree with me.

    One thing I do want to make clear is I am not asking you to change your religious beliefs. All I am asking is that you be willing to agree to disagree and not let it get in the way of our relationship. I know it is going to take you to take some time for you to come to terms with it. I’ve included a few resources with this letter to help you process this news or if you feel like you need to talk to parents who have been where you are. With that, I also encourage you both to reach out to John since he has been where you are and even think you should consider reaching out to the current leader at The Flying Spaghetti Monster Temple if you would rather talk to him to get the Pastafarian perspective.

    I’ve been in counseling for a year and a half to try to come to terms with why I have had such a hard time with this, and I’ve made progress. I want to make it clear that as unhappy as I have been, I am not suicidal. I am not engaging in any sort of risky behavior.

    Again, I am fully aware that as I come out to each person it is their choice whether they want to accept me, tell me I am going to burn in hell, or just pretend like I don’t exist. That’s your choice. I am hopeful we can just agree to disagree. One thing I am going to be firm on is my right to be treated with respect and dignity as a human being. I am gay. That’s never going to change and I am not willing to allow myself to continue to live in pain or isolation because of it. And I want to make clear, I am firm in my belief that I have the right to love and a relationship at some point in my life.

    If you have any questions, feel free to ask after the one week cooling off period I have requested. I will not be answering calls or responding to calls during that time. Please do not try to see me in person during this time either. I am very confident that we will all need that space so we don’t end up saying anything we might later regret. If you need more time than that, that is ok too. I’ve had years to come to terms with this. You are just hearing it for the first time. Take all the time you need to process. Again, I’ve enclosed some resources you can reach out to if you need support at all dealing with this.

    SimpleMan
    ______________

    Ok. After you get done laughing, I would appreciate your thoughts!
     
    #1 SimpleMan, Aug 26, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2015
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Wow! This is an amazing letter. It shows significant thought and sensitivity, and reflects your character and love.
     
  3. BidiKlum

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    That's a great letter - I didn't laugh (well except at the Pastafarian and Flying Spaghetti Temple :wink:). And I think you have gotten all of your points across and in a respectful manner. I hope that your parents react well to it, but even if they don't, you are being true to who you are, and it is now their choice whether to accept it and have the joy of having you in their life or not.

    Good luck and keep us updated!!
     
  4. Richie.

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    Nice grammar! Good letter honest and heartfelt. Your parents will have questions no doubt but their judgement is not on you. Hope that when you send it their responses will be better than you expect.

    90% of what we worry never happens
     
  5. skiff

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    Hi,

    Congrats on letter.

    My only advise for breaking news is; never bring up the oppositions arguments in advance as it just gives them ammo, or prognosticate others feelings as we don't know what they will be.

    Doing those things can cast a negative light on the audience
     
  6. SimpleMan

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    Thanks for the thoughts and tips. The plan is to deliver it tomorrow before they get home from work. This is my last big coming out before being completely open. I am excited and scared about that.
     
  7. Thirdtimecharm

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    Amazing letter. You provided the information you needed to and stood up for yourself as well. That in itself is showing that you are building your self esteem and believe that you deserve love. Great job and good luck. Please keep us updated!
     
  8. SimpleMan

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    Thanks! Here is my final draft. I rearranged it some so it flowed better. I took out the parts talking about people rejecting me, telling me to go to he!!, too. (Good tip Skiff!) Still stood up for my right to be who I am. Delivering it tomorrow. We'll see how it goes!
    _______________________

    Mom and Dad,

    I can’t seem to ever get his out in person so I am writing a letter. As a heads up, the girls are all aware I am sending you this letter and know things could be difficult with the family dynamic for a while because of it. I am also going to be out of touch and not responding to texts for at least a week. I think it’s important for all of us to have breathing room for at least a week while you digest this information. Even if you do not feel you do not need that space, I definitely need it.

    The last few years you keep commenting about how I need to find a woman and get married. The reason I’ve never been in a relationship is because I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I am unworthy of any love or connection. Even from a young age I always felt like I never quite fit in and didn’t understand why.

    It wasn’t until late college until I came to terms with the fact that I am gay. I know that may sound confusing given the fact that I had “crushes” on girls when I was younger and always denied being gay when someone brought it up. I was just trying to fit in with everyone else and go along with the cultural norm. Even though I did not feel anything. I know it might also be confusing because most guys come out when they are much younger.

    Again, I didn’t come to terms with the fact that I was not capable of a meaningful relationship with a woman until late college. There is just absolutely no physical attraction or connection at all there. I think my inability to realize it at a younger age was a mixture of being in denial, low self- esteem, and just struggling to survive school due to my ADHD and anxiety taking so much of my focus and energy. Really dealing with being gay fell to the metaphorical back burner until I completed college. And even since that time, I’ve never been able to bring myself to say it out loud to you both even though I wanted to be honest with you many times.

    After I came to terms with it in late college, I decided I would simply just never have any romantic relationships and try to soldier on as the good Pastafarian kid that I was raised to be. I thought I could just keep it a secret. It is probably no surprise to you that I always skewed liberal in relation to Pastafarian beliefs. Even as I believed everyone in this world deserved love and connection, I couldn’t believe I could possibly deserve that. Even as I tried to at least hold onto a semblance of Pastafarian identity through working at camp, I lost the ability to believe. It was never a truly conscious choice. It just disappeared as I struggled with what science showed to be objective truth that conflicted with Pastafarian teaching. I am pretty much agnostic at this point in my life because of that experience.

    I lost my ability to trust anyone. I became more and more isolated, depressed, and anxious. It left me feeling like I was constantly under attack when anyone would bring up relationships or dating. Or when anyone verbally attacked or ridiculed LGBT men and women. That isolation left me feeling worthless. I could never wish the kind of pain that caused me on anyone.

    I’ve been in counseling for a year and a half to try to come to terms with why I have had such overwhelming anxiety and psychological pain in coming to terms with this aspect of who I am, and I’ve made progress. I want to make it clear that as unhappy as I have been, I am not suicidal. I am not engaging in any sort of risky behavior either. I can honestly say my life has gotten incrementally better as I have come out to more and more people. I have my bad days, but I am optimistic about my future at this point.

    I also want to be clear my intention is not to hurt you or blame either of you for anything. My intention is to be open and authentic. I recognize that I can’t have a real relationship with either of you without being open and authentic about who I am. Another thing I want to make clear is I am not asking either of you to change your beliefs. All I am asking is that you are willing to agree to disagree and not let it get in the way of our relationship. I know it is going to take you to take some time for you to come to terms with it. I’ve included a few resources with this letter to help you process this news. Or if you feel like you need to talk to parents who have been where you are, there are some hotlines/orgs you can reach out to for support. With that, I also encourage you both to reach out to Bernard since he has been where you are, and even think you should consider reaching out to the current leader at the Temple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I will understand if getting the Pastafarian perspective on how you should proceed or react in this situation could likely be more comforting to you than the other resources I’ve provided.

    Again, I am hopeful we can agree to disagree. The one thing I am going to be firm on is my right to be treated with respect and dignity as a human being. I am gay. That is not going to change and I am not going to live my life being ashamed of it or thinking it is wrong. I have the right to love and a meaningful relationship in my life just as I believe everyone in this world deserves.

    If you have any questions, feel free to ask after the one week cooling off period I have requested at the beginning of this letter. I will not be answering calls or responding to texts or emails during that time. Please do not try to see me in person during this time either. If you need more time than that, that is ok too. You can relay that information to me through the girls. I’ve had years to come to terms with this. You are just hearing it for the first time. Take all the time you need to process.

    I love you both.

    SimpleMan
    ____________________
     
  9. bubbles123

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    Best of luck!(&&&)
     
  10. CameronMR

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  11. brainwashed

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    Lol, what your 30ish and not married to a women. You need to get going man. What the hell is wrong with you? Yep I've been there. The pain is very real and insurmountable.

    Great letter and effort. Wow. With a few exceptions it seems I wrote the letter. I love the material quoted below. My suggestion(s) follow the quote.

    My suggestions:
    I would simplify the letter a bit. This could be done by leaving out religious parts. The letter is about you, your sexuality, and your right to happiness. You are who you are, a complex human being, you deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.

    Talking about religion is like taking gasoline (petro) and throwing it on a fire. It's a volatile subject. Talking about religion takes people off topic. It takes them down the "emotional" path and away from "logic" path.

    I'm wondering if there has ever been any research done on people with ADHD and sexuality repression? Does suppression of sexuality exasperate the symptoms of ADD & ADHD?

    Please keep your gay friends on ECs posted.

    Later
     
  12. Viator

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    Hope you were able to deliver the letter. I also hope your parents are able to respect your wishes regarding a cooling off period. I know as a parent there is often a real struggle to not want to deal with something right away, not to let it sit. It was a well crafted letter and I hope it has helped you in your process and journey.
     
  13. flitterpad

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    Your letter is amazing, well done! Good luck giving it to your parents!
     
  14. SimpleMan

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    I delivered it mid-day on my lunch break. I taped it to the door of their house. They have not contacted me at all yet, but I have also set things up so they are unable to contact me for at least the first half of the week even if they wanted to. So far so good! My sisters are going to relay any really important info that can't wait from my parents to me during this time.
     
  15. maybgayguy

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    Good for you! I hope it all goes well. So happy that you out!
     
  16. High Art

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    Wow, congrats/ good for you!
     
  17. Moonflower

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    I didn't laugh at all when I read the letter. In fact, quite the opposite. It was emotional for me to read because I -and I'm sure a lot of others on here as indicated by their responses- can relate to many of the feelings you wrote about in the letter. You also show a GREAT DEAL of respect for a religious tradition which you no longer adhere to, and respect for the idea that your parents might still want to adhere to it. In fact you show absolutely no hostility that I've detected toward this religious belief system even though the dichotomy it's caused in your mind has caused you so much pain for so long. That in and of itself is remarkable.
    Thanks for reminding us about the lost art of letter writing as an option for people for who are struggling to figure out how to others they can't seem to tell face to face.
    I hope all goes well with your parents. Either way, you must feel like you have a huge weight lifted from your chest.
     
  18. brainwashed

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    There's always one ass wipe (or clown) in a group so I'll put my clown hat on for a moment. "Can I have your car?" Lol. (I always try to find humor. Doesn't always work but I try.)

    Seriously I commend your courage and your follow through. You have taught me something. That's about the "POWER" a mother weals over a son. My mother had absolute control over me and I was not aware I was being controlled. Only after she died did I finally realize the full scope of what was happening. Your thoughtful letter reinforces my thinking about mothers. They DON'T ALWAYS HAVE THEIR SON'S BEST INTEREST AT HEART.

    Later man
     
  19. PatrickUK

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    A very good and well written letter. Will you let us know how it goes?

    Just out of interest, what are the resources that you included with the letter?
     
  20. Kasey

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    Sometimes a letter is best. And you not contacting them is good. Parents need to see their child matters.

    When I came out to my parents it was very very tense for a while. Our dynamic hasn't been the same since.

    But being genuine is the best thing you can do rather than live on a pretense of lies.

    Your letter was exemplary and I hope the best happens for you.