31yrs old married and just told my husband I'm gay....

I split from my ex two months ago. There were definitely other issues but my need to be out keeps me from wanting to reconcile. We were together 14 years and have 3 kids as well. She knew of my thoughts for a long time and hardest part she has with it is how I kept it "in check" for the longest time, but now I just can't take it anymore. There is a lot of stress in all of it, but the only thing I can think to do is just trying to be honest and decent. I'm prone to anxiety too and there has been plenty to be anxious about, however I feel so much better now that I feel I am finally able to be out.

 

I think the best part about this is the fact that it's 100% the truth. On top of that, you have it over with and don't have to worry about it weighing on your mind. Those are the 2 things closeted people in your situation struggle with the most and you've put it past you. Hell of a start, lady

Honestly, where you go from here is in your hands. There's no "right direction" - It's all about what you want to do. Don't stress about telling the kids, although I'm sure they won't be happy about their parents being apart, they'll adapt and surely be happy for you as you have the freedom to find your true happiness. I wouldn't sit your kids down and just blurt out that you're a lesbian. I'd start with telling them that the split is for irreconcilable differences, which isn't a lie. One day, when you find that special lady... Bring her around and explain it then. Sometimes kids won't understand things until they see it first hand.

Of course you're not ready to date yet, you were with this person for 13 years. That would be unfair to you, the kids and the person that you would chose to drag into it. Go out and meet people, make friends and socialize. That's the best way to get started.

The best days are ahead of you, good luck.

 

Welcome! There are several newly out lesbian moms hanging around. I'm sure several of the will pop by to say hi before too long.

 

Hi go figure,
Bi2me is right. So many great people on here. Lots of support.
I am a mom like you in a somewhat similar situation. It helps to know ur not alone.
We are here to listen and talk if you need us

 

I'm so happy that it went so well! Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You're a brave, strong woman! I'm not out yet, still struggling with the when and how of it. Like in other poster days, the hard part is over!

 

I'm glad you are finding it helpful too.

Honesty can be scary and painful as we let go of the expectations we (and others) had for life, but it is usually freeing and cathartic.

 

I really feel for you. In the past year, I left my best friend/fiancé of almost ten years for a woman, so I know how hard it is and confusing. I went through a lot of guilt and still am. It is still so new, so give yourself time to adapt. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, and a counselor is even better. I'm here if you need to talk ever. Importantly, take care of yourself in this time.

 

This is a great place full of very understanding people. There are many women in your situation. Things will get better. Why? Because you've cracked open the ability to truly know yourself...and that's a good thing.
I'm sorry to hear about the panic attacks-they can be absolutely brutal. Hopefully they were just a symptom of your sexuality begging to be dealt with-in other words, things coming to a head-and might start to decline.
I am so glad your husband is supportive and not nasty to you because of this.

 

Moonflower's right, things will get better. But there's no timeframe and the roller coaster feelings of panic then elation at feeling more like yourself don't help.

I came out to my husband of almost 25 years this past spring, not long after coming out to myself. It's been hard, but he's been incredibly supportive. That fact carries with it it's own brand of guilt for me, but we both know that this is who I am and he wants me to be happy. I don't have kids, but I'm a child of divorced parents, so I know how that complicates things even more.

I know the thought of separation is frightening. I found that over the past year that if I wasn't having panic attacks about coming out, I was having them about living alone and supporting myself despite the fact that I know I'm perfectly capable of doing both. It's still scary.

One thing I can recommend is to read as many resources as you can and, if you need someone to talk to, to find a good counselor. I particularly found books about coming out later in life helpful; my husband even read one to get a perspective on what I was going through.

And take care of yourself. I started doing yoga and meditating just to concentrate on myself and calm my thoughts. It helped a lot.

You're a brave, strong woman who's taken some very big steps. Remember that you can take all of the little ones you need to in your own time.

 

go figure, you are SO NOT ALONE!!!

I understand the feeling of anxiety, and the panic attacks. The only thing that has taken the edge off is reading these forums here on EC and also scouring the internet for information. I also bought all these books and they seem to help a little bit, too.

You don't have to buy them new, get them on h a l f dotcom some are only a few bucks, much better than paying full price. So worth it! Rearrange your schedule if you need to get to the mailbox before your husband, but do so if you can. As long as he is not a potentially violent person and you feel safe doing so.

Here are the books I bought:


Dear John, I Love Jane : Women Write about Leaving Men for Women
And Then I Met This Woman : Previously Married Women's Journeys by Sally M. O'Neil
Late Bloomers : Awakening to Lesbianism after Forty by Robin McCoy
Living Two Lives : Married to a Man and in Love with a Woman by Joanne Fleisher
Married Women Who Love Women by Carren Strock

Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life : How to Finally, Really Grow Up by James Hollis
Crossroads at Midlife : Your Aging Parents, Your Emotions, and Your Self by Frances Cohen Praver

Why I'm Still Married : Women Write Their Hearts Out on Love, Loss, Sex, and Who Does the Dishes

 

I wish I had your courage. I know it came out in a panic attack, but still -- it came out. I've been married over 20 years to the nicest guy, and I'm faking it to keep our family together, and because I think I'd break his heart. I only dream of having the kind of courage you found to live your truth. Brava!

 

Ditto with Kinsey. I'm almost 31, been married to my husband for almost 8 years. I've only come to accept myself recently, though I've toyed with the thought for several years. I haven't told my husband yet and I'm afraid to. We have to kids and we have a good friendship, just no sex which he is always annoyed with. I tried to separate with him once but he became very manipulative and emotionally abusive. I know I can't keep living a lie but I feel so trapped. I am going to speak to a counsellor at my university soon to help deal but I thought I would seek out an online community to talk to as well.

 

Welcome! I hope we are able to help

 

Hi, sending you good vibes! There are lots of ways to get through this kind of situation; many of them are posted about on this site.