Hi all I am new here and could use some advice on how to proceed. I am 32 years old from the New York area. I am a Gay male who has done nothing about it. Unlike some, I knew from 12-13 years old that I was gay; but had hoped that it was just a phase and would go away, it isn't and never has. I dated women in my teen years and early 20's but knew that it wasn't for me. I then spent the last 10 years throwing myself into work and my education, and really avoiding this issue. Since last year, I have been having anxiety, and I know the reason, I am watching all of my friends get married and have families and I am still at the proverbial starting line. I am not really sure even how to proceed, I have a fairly public job so I don't know how work would react to my news for one. I have even thought of moving to a new city where I don't have history and can start fresh but it's not really all that easy in my career. But on a more simplistic note, I really don't have any gay friends and wouldn't know where to start. I have never even been on a date with a guy, but I want to meet people, go on a date, have relations etc. I am not out but would like to start putting myself out there slowly (I'm not 18 anymore, so I honestly have no idea how people would react) so not sure how to go about breaking the news. From everyone's experience how should I proceed? The one thing I have decided is denial and not doing anything is really no longer an option, as I am a little bit older, I have come to the conclusion that I need to start because burying myself in work isn't a good option anymore. I want to thank everyone for their advice.
Well, congratulations on making it over the first hurdle and for coming out to yourself. Where you go from here is really up to you. It sounds, from what you've said, that you have come to the place where you are frustrated with not being able to live a more genuine life, one that lets you enjoy happiness and fulfillment. Take a look around you, perhaps seek out those amongst your friends or family who you know to be allies, those may be good people to start off by coming out to. I began with a person whom I had known for almost 20 years and who had been out since he was in his late teens. He was also the best man at my wedding, but that's another story . You get the idea that there are those around you who can be supportive in one way or another. Don't worry too much about getting started with romantic relationships. You are wise to seek those out who are already on the path you are on, and who might help you out. Don't forget that this site is here also.
Hello, I have recently just begun exploring this a side of myself that I have kept closeted for a long time. I have not intimate or romantic relations with a guy yet, only women. I am in a similar situation as I am not "out" out, but I recently began taking steps to put my self out there. I kind of kicked everything into high gear over the past two weeks by going out with/meeting up with a guy I met on ****** who I like, coming out to my sister, having a couple visits with a counselor and talking openly about my sexuality and even going to a gay bar. Needless to say, the past two weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. Although I'm not exactly sure what is going on with the guy I've been hanging out with, I like him and I am just trying to let things happen organically and not overthink things while not having specific expectations either. It is quite a journey and be a bit exhausting, but I feel like I have barely begun, though there will be ups and downs, I believe that ultimately it will lead to more positivity. I am anxious about all of this, but closeting that side of myself is not really a good option for me. We/society/and those around us can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on this process and just being gay or bisexual. People don't come out as straight when they first start dating someone. But it is about being genuine, open and honest, therefore being fair to yourself. To quote another individual on this site who is close to you and I in age and in a similar situation, "I believe that once the 'newness' of being open about your bisexuality (or homosexualtiy) wears off, you will be left with an elevated sense of peace, acceptance and happiness." I definitely want to build/develop friednships with more gay individuals or get more into the gay community because at times this process makes me feel quite alone and that seems like it could be a really good support system with people who understand your situation better or can help you through the journey. Careers can definitely complicate things, but when you closet a part of yourself for a long time it is easy to find complications. However, ultimately I believe positivity and success will come with opening yourself up and not closeting this part of yourself. A counselor that can help you process your feelings during this journey can also be a healthy/good idea if you can afford it. It is nice have a neutral and experienced person you can talk openly to. In any case, you have begun be open up and be out to yourself which is good, congrats on taking the first step! You're definitely not alone. This is a helpful site for support. Try to think of just a couple of people in your life you could come out to that you feel will likely be supportive and you trust, then when you're ready, come out to them, also, continue to stay open and honest to yourself and let things happen organically.
Hello and welcome! I came out later in life at the beginning of last year, and kinda did it in hyper-overdrive! I came out to my family all in one week, probably within days, then came out online on fb. While it was liberating it did create quite the roller coaster effect. I wish that I had made more lgbtq+ friends before dating, but that being said, I am very happy! This site is full of great people who have been giving great supportive advice, I hope that you can find the advice & support that you need.
If you're in the NYC area, there are tons of support groups to meet people that are in a similar situation as yourself. One of the benefits of being in a big city. I'm in a similar boat as you and I plan to take full advantage of such groups to meet people. The only openly gay people I know are my brother (who is 23) and my friend who is 18. I think I need an age appropriate gay friend or two.
Thanks for the advice, I checked out online and there are several groups for people in our age bracket who are coming out now later. I've sent an email requesting information, and let's see how it goes. While I do not believe that this will be a quick process for me, I know that I am making the right decision for me now. Thank you to all who have commented, if any others have other tips I definitely am interested.
As you articulated, have patience and be in it for the long haul. Do not expect immediate results. To add to others, I had a philosophy when I came out - play the numbers. Might sound a bit trivial but it worked for me. Try and reach out and get involved with as many different groups as time permits. Whether it be Meet up groups, LGBT Athletic leagues, Support groups, Dating apps/sites, and even the local LGBT bar/venue. Get as much exposure as you can time permitting. Do not put pressure on yourself, and let the chips fall where they may. You mentioned you have a high profile position, you might also be able to use that to your advantage. I was similarly situated, and decided to put all the chips on the table by coming out not only in my personal life but professionally as well. The response was much better than I would have ever expected and allows me to network professionally to meet other LGBT as well as through the various personal avenues I have taken. Good Luck!
My opinion... This is a huge issue as ~80% of LGBT do not relate with LGBT stereotypes set by ~20% and do not seek out other LGBT. This just reinforces the stereotypes as they have the spotlight with no offset. This is changing but problem exists. Example... There is no LGBT commercial venue on the north shore of MA. They are trying to set up a reoccuring event but it is doomed to fail IMO. The issue is restaurants and bars will not give prime time to LGBT for a reoccuring events because they fail and they fail due to the poor time slot. Imagine a bar event Sundays at 9PM. Sundays at 9PM.... I will not attend for; a) I work Monday morning, b) I deserve a prime time social event (no more back of the bus). When I ask organizers why late Sunday I am told "traditional time slot for LGBT". DUH!!!! It was traditional for blacks to ride in the back of the bus too!!!! The event will fail and reinforce the idea reoccuring LGBT events do not work. The stereotypes accept the time slot and do not see it as discriminatory. Average, silent majority of LGBT must find their voice.
