I initially didn't want to write about this here, but now I feel the pressure is just getting bigger and bigger inside me. This is the last day my colleague is here, before she will leave the company and the country. She is the one I came out to last week and in the last month we became very close. Thing is that she is more than a friend to me, I have a pretty intense crush on her... Since I came out to her we became even closer friends, on Saturday we met in the morning initially only to go to some event, but then we ended up spending the whole day together. She did't really want to leave either, tough initially she said she has some things to do at home. She told me about some personal stuff and her issues with getting close to people and freaking out if she feels too close. I gave her a gift, some DIY thing I've done and she saw the picture with it at one point and told me she liked it so I gave it to her. She was so touched and she said that she will carry this everywhere with her. It was a very emotional moment, we were both almost crying and she said this is what she was trying to avoid, to get so close to someone before leaving. But she said there is internet and public transport, so we can still be connected At the end of the day it was very dufficult to leave for both of us, but at one point I think she got scared from all this closeness I think and left very quickly. Now I'm so confused, I am almost convinced she is straight, and I don't want to destroy this friendship. Though this closeness without being able to tell her how I feel, feeling all these emotions when I look into her eyes is just killing me. I'm dreaming about kissing her and visiting her in that other country and being with her... Aaah, sorry, this got long, but I'm so confused right now. I will have to go to work and try to concentrate on work somehow...
Hey hon, a few good things about long distance friendships (especially the ones you have a crush on) from one who's got that going on: - distance lets you figure things out in your personal life without getting tangled or tempted - you can still talk and email and FaceTime/Skype - visits! Sending a (*hug*) your way... It really sucks! I'm just trying to think on the bright side.
Ah huh that sucks, sorry!! I have been there...or in a similar situation anyway. Maybe if you continue to deepen your friendship you can find out about her orientation eventually? And like bi2me says, at least this will allow you to figure the rest of the stuff in your life out with out getting tempted to do something that may make the decision for you, if you know what I mean? BIG HUGS!! xx
Thanks both so much (*hug*) We met again this evening, for the last time before she leaves, I helped her pack and stuff. I kind of realized that all of this was in my head, I mean my feelings were there, but she won't ever be interested in being more than friends anyway. And after I realized that, my feelings for her started to furn into ice, I mean I was still melting when he looked at me, but otherwise nothing, I started only to feel this deep numbness. From the friendship point of view she is the only one I'm out to, except my bf. I could tell her anything, I don't know if I've ever felt this with somebody. But maybe this means if I can get more open with other people too, I'll be able to connect easier with them. But first I have to be open. And you guys are right, distance will help, mainly because what I need is to finally start being independent, having my own life and finding out on my own what I want. She was a real inspiration and for that I'm grateful But sometimes I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I'm just hanging here amazed how can someone screw up their (and others') life like I did, feeling like I can't move in any direction.
Having distance will be helpful to clear your mind, as it seems as if you were falling for this woman. Lots of us lesbians have at one time, fallen for a straight woman, so consider this a rite of passage. :icon_wink What I can say is, what you have experienced with this woman serves as a peek as to what may be in your future. Imagine the feelings you have experienced being returned. Imagine being allowed to express those feelings physically. If you are in fact a lesbian and you do have that experience, it will probably be a life altering experience.
It sounds like you are mentally in the right place/able to analyze the situation but that doesn't necessarily make the emotional part easier. I hope you find another friend that you can talk to. It might be easier now that you've come out to one person. (*hug*)
This sounds very nice and full of hope, thanks for this image Just thinking about this makes me smile and I feel better now ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2015 at 10:07 AM ---------- I am very good at analysing situations, from the couch maybe, but then the realization hits that it's actually my life and should do something about it and at that point I chicken out. But not this time, I've come this far, I cannot allow myself to stop.. I'm thinking about coming out to my high school friend this weekend, but I'm afraid she wouldn't believe me, cannot imagine her reaction. But it doesn't make too much sense to avoid coming out, I think. Not sure...
