Why am I still doubting my sexuality?

I can totally relate. I keep worrying I am making a mistake, and I am worried to ruin my bf's life, and traumatize the kids....then theres the judgyness of my family...

sorry, I don't have advise, I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and frustration, I live it every day too.

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

When I first kissed a woman in my early 20s, I can remember what was going on in my mind...it was like a recorded message saying, "Oh my God, I'm kissing a girl, Oh my God, I'm kissing a girl"

Before that moment, I couldn't even picture it. But once it happened, I just wanted more and more and more.

The first time I walked into a gay bar, I was self conscious and nervous. The first time I attended a gay event, I felt self conscious and nervous. But after each time, I knew I wanted to go back and keep going.

I understand your hesitation, but don't let it paralyze you. You should not stay stuck in your fear.

I bolded your words to say this. If you have not had a sexually satisfying experience with a man, you need to sleep with a woman. At least try it. Then you will know.

We are on this little blue dot a very short period of time. Sexuality is a huge part of who we are as human beings. You should feel satisfaction. You deserve that.

 

TeaTree, you are indeed not alone in this. I said in another thread that the most alarming thing for me was that, being with men (finaly!) did not have the result that I thought it would. The clouds did not part, there were no heavenly choirs, fireworks, etc. I was reminded that, for better or for worse, I am more than the sum of my parts.

As EastCoastGirl stated, sexuality is a big part of who we are, but we must remember that sexuality has range, is complex, and can be one hell of a harsh mistress :bang: (love that gif!).

You have to be willing to jump in to find out how the water is, you needn't get in very deep though.

Wishing that you find some place to begin this journey, in whatever time and manner works for you.

 

I can relate as well. Outside of experimenting with a friend when I was 8 or 9, I've never had any real contact with a guy. Not so much as a kiss. I fell madly for my male best friend when I was 16 and my biggest celeb crushes are guys. But there is that part that worries about if I'm over thinking things, or I'm just romantisizing things. Trying to repress everything growing up led to a long history of suicide attempts and depression, and there is part of me that is scared to death to ever actually get with a guy. I'm afraid of any of those old feelings coming back again. I know nothing about this is really advice, just echoing the sentiments as others have of being able to relate.

 

I totally relate to where you are at. There's so much self-doubt at times, because I am still just me. I am the same person I was before I had my realization that I want to be with women. I've spent so much of my life building the sexual identity "straight" and thinking "I'm not gay because...". I think it will take a long time for me to not doubt... there's a lot of un-learning that needs to be done.
A friend of mine who came out as a lesbian about 5 years ago (previously thinking she was straight, and in a relationship with a guy) told me that it took her 2 years to undo/work through all the lies she had told herself about her sexuality. And even after that, she had moments of doubt and self-judgement often.

You and I are both in our 30's. We've spent a lot of time believing one thing... it's hard to shake that off. I'd like to think we are on the right track - questioning and being on a forum like this... coming out to one person at a time.

 

All the years of denial have built walls. Walls you need to bring down, brick by brick.

Baby steps.

Each one will take you closer to your truth, whatever that may be. (*hug*)

 

Interesting. What makes you relate sexuality to PCOS? My doctor has mentioned it as a possible diagnosis for me, but it is very minor and doesn't interfere with my life at all. One symptom was higher testosterone levels, is that what you are thinking?

I try to tell myself this (as i am 34), but I am also like "BUT you played rugby in college, and have about 1 zillion gay friends...and your mom is gay..." so it really shouldn't be THAT hard for me to decide. Though, the "mom is gay" part actually complicates it for me because I did everything my mom didn't as an adult...so to have such a big part of my life being identifable with her is hard for me to swallow.

I also think this too. I am very close to talking to my therapist about all of my confusion soon, though it is very difficult for me. Part of me wants to run away screaming and go hide for another 12 years, and another part is like YOU ARE WASTING ALL YOUR YOUNG YEARS IN THIS HAMSTER WHEEL OF CONFUSION.

 

PCOS cannot turn you gay especially when you have been gay before having it. (I am a medical student) what u r having is irrational fears. Stemming out of the fear of being wrong. It is also an effect of being in denial. But trust me you are not alone. I was pulled out of my beautiful closet and suddenly this uncontrollable doubt that what if I am attracted to women came up n never left. I m dealing with it still. Mine is a case of OCD. But by the looks of it you aren't there. Just take a deep breath. Forget labels and love who you want to love. If you find a guy attractive and you want to be sexual with him go ahead the world will never judge you for that. Besides who cares if they judge you anyway. The more you are going to analyse the more complex and unclear things are going to get. Just let go and follow your instinct.

 

Why not try adding a "right now" to the end of your thoughts? Like I'm not straight (right now). It gives you wiggle room, and no one said you have to be any one thing for your whole life. Let yourself explore this, and if you later on if you are more attracted to men in general or one particular man, go for it!

 

TeaTree, this is a tough question, but I agree with some of the posters that you may have to give yourself some experiences to answer your questions. Not telling you to sleep around, but for me I literally had to sleep with this girl before i definitely KNEW i was not straight. When I did, the clouds parted and the angels sang. But I did have to argue and fight myself in order to sleep with her, even though I felt attracted to her.

The strange thing is I can "get there" with a man, so I'm wondering if I am bi, or it's just the mechanics of the thing happening and I'm really a lesbian. I probably will never know. My pendulum may be swinging towards women now, but maybe in 10 years it will swing back to men? I'm kind of annoyed that this is my life now but I'm trying to go with the flow and not fight it so much.

 

I had a similar experience that pushed me into fully KNOWING that I can be and want to be with women. I had to experience it to believe it. Since then, I've cut myself off from the woman mentioned to figure myself out. I have also been able to "get there" with men - and in the past had some really great sex (from what I knew at the time/thought). After much self analysis, I think I am likely more gay than bi - but am very fluid. So feelings of affection, friendship - or even the fun of a 'conquest' or the game of sex and relationships could get me interested enough to enjoy what was going on. However, since my experience with a woman - I'm really noticing so much of what I didn't like/don't like about sex with men... which is a lot. Also - even when I was having this "good sex" I was thinking about women to get to the end.

I figure if I'd had the option to be gay from the start - if homophobia didn't exist - then I'd likely have been with a couple of guys, but ended up choosing women.

It's also possible that I was once bisexual, and now I'm gay. Or just "more gay" than I was before.

Wouldn't it be easier if it was just one way or the other? Or even better - if no one cared?

 

Yup. Fits me to a "T". I didn't admit it, even though every single erotic dream I had when I was young involved other girls... and now my dreams feature random women and my husband. (lol) I knew I was different but couldn't accept it. I thought I had to be "this" or "that". It took me coming out to my husband that I thought I was bi for me to finally, truly accept my orientation. I couldn't accept myself until someone else told me that it was ok for me to relax into who I was born to be.

But it feels so good to finally accept that part of myself! :eusa_danc And even though I haven't had any sexual experiences with other women I am no longer afraid of my feelings. I'm not repressing anymore, and it feels like a sigh of relief.

(*hug*) You're in a tough place, but know we're all supporting you!

 

One reason I'm still doubting is simply that I've not had a chance to explore or express what it is in my head. I feel like if I could, then I'd doubt less, but the opportunity hasn't ever presented itself and I'm not sure how to make it present itself in a way that would be comfortable to me or without hurting someone.

The doubt is along the lines of 'well, I don't really want to be with a man, I've tried that and I don't like it, but what if I find I feel the same about women, even though I like to picture women in my, ahem, private thoughts, then where does that leave me, with nobody'?

 

This is exactly where I am right now!

How do you reconcile the need to just 'jump in' with the reality that I don't want to jump into anything physical with anyone before having some kind of relationship first? I don't want anyone (including me) to get hurt.

I'm really just beginning this step of outward exploration. It is really tough to know how to start.

 

Some of my friends have said the same thing-that I may need to just explore a relationship with a woman just to see. I am a virgin, and the few times I've dated guys, physical intimacy was always a hinders cd. My HS boyfriend whom I thought I loved was super delicious, and sex was never on the table. I never even wondered about having sex with him, bc I knew he was a "wait til I am married" kinda dude. Turns out he left college in his senior year to join the marines, and quickly met a woman and now they are married with kids! I am happy for him.

But in college, the I didn't do the whole hook-up scenarios that most friends around me did. I would dance w guys at bars and it was fun, but never wanted to go hook up with him, and I danced with some hot guys!

Yessss!!l times one million!!! I am using my therapist's voice here-that I need to go out and do things I enjoy that maybe are female centered, because where I last thrived was in college, on the rugby team. It was 3 years of me being surrounded mostly by females 24/7, and with the exception of the bar dancing w random dudes I didn't take home, I was happy.

But what does that mean?