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Married - wanting to come out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by gayinil, Jun 6, 2007.

  1. gayinil

    gayinil Guest

    My wife and I have been faithfully married for nearly 10 years. She knows that I struggle with my sexual orientation, but over the years through faith and some counseling I had felt that I was really moving towards being heterosexual, though I have never been truly happy. At times I have enjoyed being intimate with her sexually, but more and more, I am just not sexually attracted to her.

    I went on a business trip recently and couldn't stand it anymore and hooked up with a couple of guys. It was the best sexual experiences I have ever had and I fully realize that I would much rather be with a man than a woman. And I do not want to live a double-life to have affairs while married - I want all or nothing concerning this.

    So, I have reconciled in my mind that I want to do this, but as one may understand I am terrified. We recently had a baby, so I know that a decision to leave will have a huge impact on my wife and son. Nothing personal against them, but I don't feel that the way I am living now is who I really am. I had considered leaving her 5 years ago and we even discussed it, but didn't do it. Our situation now makes it more difficult.

    Any advice on what to do and the best way to do it? Thanks!
     
  2. charlie12

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    First of all, Hi There and Welcome to EC! This situation sounds tough. Definitely do not live a double life being married to your wife and having affairs. If you did that, that would make things alot more difficult and you do not want that. My recommendation is to go to a couselor and let he/she know what your feeling and the situation your in. I am sure they can help you and give you some good advice on what to do. Good Luck!
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi! Welcome to EC.

    OK - I'm the 'what not to do'. I denied that I was gay - subconciously for years, and then conciously for a few more I think. It simply didn't occurr to me that I might be gay before I was married. But the feelings got stronger over time and eventually I did have sex outside my marriage with men - on numerous occassions over a period of a couple of years. I hated myself more every time I acted out, which pushed the wedge even deeper between my wife and myself.

    Going back to counselling is an excellent suggestion. I don't know what I would have done without my therapist, and I wish I'd been put in touch with one much sooner.

    BE HONEST! You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your wife, and now you owe it to your child as well.

    I was married for 9 years, have two little girls and have recently separated. It has been THE worst time of my entire life - which I know isn't encouraging - but at the same time I know now that it was the right thing to do.

    Please don't hesitate to send me a private message if you want to talk. I'm about 9 months ahead of you on this curve - in some respects. Good luck. We're all pulling for you!
     
  4. Munkustrap

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    First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on taking some steps toward happiness. I recently came out after 19 years of bieng married to my best friend, and she REMAINS my best friend. The overwealming fear: fear of discovery, fear of rejection by family and friends, fear of eternal loneliness - has faded away.

    I'm not saying that it is an easy road; quite the contrary. It is a journey that is frought with uncertainty and unforseen obstacles, but you will end up at a good place. That place is where you know and love yourself, and have the ability and capacity to love others like you have always wanted to.

    I can tell you that -almost certainly - your sexual orientation was fairly well determined at about 20-24 weeks gestation. It does not change, much as folks who are left-handed will always be naturally left-handed. They may learn ways of writing with the other hand, and can "pass" for right-handers, but the brain cannot change the way it is wired. You just accept your orientation as one part of your being; that's all.

    On the other hand, I would caution you that attempts to remain in a mixed-orientation relationship will likely lead to more misery for you, and larger problems for the rest of your family down the road.

    Professional counseling is an excellent idea - just be sure your therapist is EXPERIENCED with mixed-orientation couples.

    I am out now to more and more people, and feel better than I have in many, many years. My advice: Take a deep breath, tell your wife who you really are, and keep moving forward together to where you both need to be, even though it may be apart.

    Good luck - Know you WILL get through this a much happier person!(!)
     
  5. greg

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    First of all welcome to EC i have found this site and the wonderful people that are part of it to be angels. I was in a similar situation as you, (married 20+ years, 2 wonderful children (aged 16 & 19)). You will find a number of guys that are/where in similar situations, you are welcome to msg me for advice or just talk, remember YOU are not alone and all the people here on this site will hold your hand as you start on a journey, sometimes its hard and we think its all to much, but you are starting on a wonderful journey where you are going to learn about yourself in a way that you cannot imagine, just hang on tight for the ride of you life, we are all here to pick you up if you fall. Greg
     
  6. beckyg

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    As a person who works with children and has taken numerous classes on child development, I can say that going through this now will be better than doing it when your son is even as much as two or three years older. I would definitely seek a family therapist so that you can learn to work out family dynamics so that you will still be very much involved in your sons' life while fulfilling your own happiness. PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) has a support group for straight spouses that could help your wife too. You can find information about that at: www.pflag.org
    Good luck in your quest to live your authentic life. Know that your little guy still needs his father and needs you to be fully involved in his life.
     
  7. cavillor

    cavillor Guest

    I feel a bit ridiculous just posting to this thread, as I am too young to even be legally married, but I recently came out to my (ex-)girlfriend because I could no longer handle the pressure of being unable to do anything sexually with her. It was very, very painful -- more so for her than for me, as it came at her with no warning. So, in a limited way, I can empathize ...
     
  8. infiniteblue

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    Congratulations on coming out, I know it took a lot of courage. I've been married 15 years and have 2 children, 10 and 12, and came out to my wife 3 months ago. My son knew something was wrong because mom and dad are always in the back room talking for hours and hours, and he demanded I tell him and stop keeping secrets; so I did. They both know now. Both sides of the family know and my immediate friends at work all know. It's been a whirlwind 3 months, let me tell you. My wife has gone to one PFLAG meeting and one Straight Spouse Network meeting here in Seattle, and both times she's come back very angry with me and all men who do this to an unsuspecting partner who had envisioned their lives turning out very differently. She has been very understanding and even supportive, but doesn't know how long she can bed that way. She has needs, she wants to feel loved and desired by her partner, and even though I lover very much, I'm not able to fulfill her needs sexually. We think we might be able to stick out for a year, maybe, but then I'll have to move out. I'm hoping very much that we can calmly divorce and remain the best of friends, because I haven't cheated on her. I think if you've been cheating it's a whole different ball game and I feel very bad for you. I won't give advice, just wish you the best of luck.
     
  9. Leah7

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    Hello there! As a person of faith myself, I totally identify with the struggle. Personally, I do not believe you have to change into a heterosexual! You've already gotten some advice on how to proceed, I would just like to encourage you to keep the Faith! Living a life of love and treating others the way we ourselves want to be treated is our purpose for being. Whatever you do, keep your faith as a compass. Wishing you and your family the best in life!
     
  10. Linkmaste

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    Married for only a year and a half but I understand where you're coming from. It's not easy when you built up and put it into you're head that you're a certian way. Right now I'm tElling family and so far everyone is very supportive. Just take a deep breath and know you're going to be happy you did this. It will suck at times but you should love yourself first that's what is so important
     
  11. Confused54

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    You're definitely not alone. I've been married 35 years and in early August came out to my wife. I was feeling very down, with suicidal thoughts (that I don't think I'd ever act upon), and just blurted it out one night. We're trying to figure out how we go forward from here. She's suggested divorce but continuing to share the home and property and garden we both love, as well as continuing to work as business partners. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that idea.

    I go through periods of wishing I'd never said anything, but I can't stuff the genie back in the bottle. I've told our boys (both adults with wives) and my wife has told one of her sisters. I've had conversations with a few friends, both gay and straight. We're both seeing a counselor, but I'm not convinced that counseling works.

    I've always been very closed about sharing anything personal, with anyone. I keep feelings tamped down and have tried to look at the world from a very rational point of view. That likely makes this emotional roller coaster harder to ride right now.

    This process is hard for me. I don't truly know what I want. It's much easier to just continue on the previous path, going along and getting along. But I don't think that's going to be possible in the future.