So I've been out to myself for a few months now, but I'm wondering still if I accept my sexuality. Part of me still wants to not be gay. I can tell that how I think about other men is changing, and how I want to behave sexually is changing. That's a good thing. But I'm not completely "fixed" from my homophobic past. How long does this acceptance process take?
I'm afraid there is no specific timeline. In many ways it's like peeling an onion. You get comfortable with the idea that you are gay. Then you get comfortable with male body parts. Then you get comfortable loving another man. Then you get comfortable telling people you are gay. Then you get comfortable living the gay lifestyle... Not necessarily a complete or ordered list. Ultimately coming out is a journey of discovery as you peel back the onion.
Only you can determine how long it takes. There is no forcing self acceptance. For me, it took more than 20 years of running from myself and struggling with my sexuality before I could accept that I am a woman who is romantically and sexually attracted to other women. I was living in a very gay-hostile situation and feared being outed, but prayed for it at the same time because it was killing me to continue living a lie. About 2 months after I finally accepted myself on the inside, an opportunity presented itself for me to come out to my then husband (a minister in an almost cultishly conservative church). I grabbed that opportunity with both hands, though it meant the end of my life as I knew it. I had no friends outside the church; no support system for what I was about to face. But in spite of that, I felt like I either had to claim my "self" back...or die. At that point, I made the decision to come out completely despite being very scared, panicked, and alone. I had struggled with myself in such severe torment for so many years, I had to be free regardless of how extremely uncomfortable it felt not to hide anymore. After I came out, I definitely still had some self-homophobic voices in my head to work through. It took me perhaps 6 months to become comfortable and confident walking around unapologetically gay. What I still struggle with though (5 years later), are the finer points about myself and how I fit into the gay community. Sometimes I feel like our community judges those within it even harsher than those outside of it judge us. But that's another topic. After several decades of almost completely repressing my sexuality, I am now discovering that my sexuality is more complex than I originally thought when came out. More than bisexual. Not quite pansexual. Definitely somewhat sapiosexual. I'm still exploring what it means to be me, and if I must label myself, what I've settled on and feel comfortable with right now is queer. However, after already coming out as a lesbian to my family, I'm not sure how to broach the topic about now feeling queer. So the journey progresses, sometimes in baby steps. Sometimes 3 steps forward, sometimes 2 steps back. I think the biggest thing is to be compassionate with yourself. You're not alone. You're not the only person going through these kinds of struggles. It will get better (that is not the cliche that it sometimes feels like), time truly does help in so many ways. Make sure you find resources (like this site) to create a support system for yourself. Take your time - there is no rush. And find a counsellor that actually helps you (not everyone who calls them a counsellor or therapist will be a good fit for you). All my best to you on your journey!
