Tell my friend how I feel?

I would say that you should tell her you're Bi, tell her that you've accidentally fallen in love with a woman, but have no intention to hurt your husband. And then ask her for her advice.

Her answer to that will let you know if you should inform her that she's your crush or not. It will be nice for her to know that you're Bi (I know it's helped me support my friends when they've come out to me), and it'll deepen your friendship. If you don't want to damage your friendship, and you're not wanting to hurt your husband, and you're not planning on acting on your feelings for her, then the detail of exactly who you've fallen in love with doesn't really matter.... it just matters that you did fall in love, and want help figuring out what to do next.

 

I had to tell my bff... and I had to ask her how she felt too. I'm not good at keeping that kind of information to myself. :dry:

 

I'm not married but in a lt relationship (which I do intend to leave because I realized I cannot be fully myself in it, not only because I'm gay).
I got a kind of huge crush on a friend, who I know only for half a year but now I feel she is my closest friend. I came out to her (sort of the first person I came out to, except bf and ex-therapist) and since then I feel even closer to her, she also told me things about herself she doesn't share with others.
I was thinking to tell her about my feelings for her, and there was this duality: I didn't want to lose her as a friend, as we got this amazing, flowing connection, but in the same time it got harder and harder being around her every time and wanting more, longing to kiss her, to touch her.

But I somehow felt that she is closed off from wanting something more (in this moment including from other people I think). By default I thought she was straight, not sure anymore but it doesn't matter now.

She moved away this week and we still keep in touch daily and I still love her but I think the distance helps.

So this wasn't anything like an advice, and I think you should do what your heart (and brain, somehow both in cooperation if possible :icon_bigg) tells you. I know I intended to tell her but when I got there I just realized it's not what I want or need right now. It just didn't feel right.

 

Hey, I know if it were me I would want to tell her, but only because a part of me would be hoping that she felt the same way. And since that is the route to opening up a can of worms, I would have to go with only telling her your orientation. Good luck and keep us updated ok? Take care of yourself. xx

 

Yep, I agree with this. If you tell her, either she won't feel the same way, which can lead to major awkwardness (I actually lost a good friend that way), or she will feel the same way, which will feed into feelings you don't want to act upon. Either way, you lose.

Come out if that's what you feel like you need to do, but leave crushes out of it for the time being.

 

Hi CapColors,

Thank you for sharing- and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it is.

I don't really have anything helpful to add, but I just wanted to say you're not alone in this. I think many people, perhaps esp. those who are just coming out to themselves, have been in this position.

I'm really in nearly the same position myself at the moment, and have been for about a year. Unfortunately, it's getting more difficult, not easier. In my case, this woman is not openly bi- but it seems very clear to me the feelings are mutual... well, sometimes.

I think the biggest pro to telling is that it seems like one of the few ways to move on. Something about just keeping it inside, it seems to just intensify- at least in my experience. The truth setting you free and all that- I think there's something to it.

Of course, telling might have a negative impact on the friendship. But, I tell myself something is already having an impact on the friendship, the only difference is that it's being acknowledged.

For me, some days it seems worth the risk. Sometimes I think I'd rather not have the friendship in my life than go through this pain every day.

Other days I think it just isn't possible to live without seeing her lovely face or hearing her voice- and so the risk feels too great.

I'm not much help! I just simply wanted you to know you're not alone.

~K.

 

I had a similar experience, and I wound up telling. I fell unexpectedly in love with a friend I hadn't seen in years, ten years ago. It is how I realized I was bi. After re-connecting, we became best friends. I've been in love with her all this time, deeply, painfully. Too ashamed to tell her, secretly hoping she felt the same. I'm married, kids, she was too but since divorced.

I finally decided to tell her I was bi, but only that. Surprisingly, she admitted she was jealous and didn't like the thought of me being with a woman who could also give her sex. She figured she'd be replaced. She said she always thought we'd wind up together, but she never thought about sex with me. She figured she should try it, to see if she liked it. Of course, these words were magic to my ears. So we tried, and it seemed to go great. But a week later, she decided she preferred men. I was crushed.

Soon after I decided I needed to tell her how I'd felt about her all these years, especially now that I had closure. Because the one thing that made the longing for her bearable was the hope I felt that we'd be together some day. Without that hope, the longing was torture. She was pretty mad at me for essentially lying to her all these years. And that I didn't trust her enough to tell her my true feelings. She loves me and feels closer to me than anyone, but not that way. She said despite the feeling of betrayal, she wasn't going anywhere and refused to lose our friendship. I still feel pretty confused about her sexuality based on our experience, but I'll post that question elsewhere.

We're working through it. I don't know that she gets how hard it is for me still. Love and longing don't just magically disappear. But my advice to you would be to be honest. Otherwise, you will live inauthentically and in the shadows, possibly for years. And that is a painful place to be. Whatever comes from your being honest, whether a deepening of your relationship with her or its ultimate demise - you will be living authentically, and that is the goal! Good luck.

 

Well, in my case, we had a history of sexual exploration, so it probably didn't come out of the blue. Plus, we were on vacation together (with husbands and some other ppl at a wedding reception) during my freak out hysteria, so it was kind of hard to hide. She replied at the time, "not all kinds of love are compatible" which I sat on for a long time (like 6 months) before actually asking her point blank if she had any feelings for me. Which she does. But we are both married. To ppl who value monogamy.

 

I lasted until we were close to going away together with a third friend of mine. I just needed to know where we stood before we were sharing a bed platonically.

 

Yeah... At least I knew we were both laying there struggling with the same issues

 

i totally agree as well.