I've really been analyzing the crap out of myself, self-diagnosing with the interwebs. And there's a sticking point with me that is really part of the hold-up in me moving forward. In every culture, around the world, when people have been married a long time, and they find themselves having an affair, the words they use to describe it are "like feeling alive" or "feeling young again." And that is exactly how I feel when I'm with this woman. I want to know if what I'm doing is just an escape to liven my life/marriage, or if it's truly a coming out of the closet event that I can't turn my back on. Husband is cool with an open marriage, so I don't want to destroy what is really an ideal situation. I suppose time and therapy will sort this all out, but I am impatient! The sex with a woman is SO GOOD, but I don't know if it's just because it's not my husband. The emotional connection with her is AMAZING but I don't know if it's just because I'm craving the way she cherishes me, that no husband of nearly 10 years can be expected to do. And if I leave him, in 10 years I'll be bored with a woman again and just move on to the next person? Anyone question this themselves and come up with answers, and if so, how did you come up with your own answer? Many thanks!
The affair high seemed short lived to me. It came out of being bore/irritated. the Coming out high, so far, has been coming out of being very anxious and the little bit I've done has really decreased my anxiety. There is an eternal light shining at the end of a notsolong tunnel now. So I'm not quite feeling the "alive" or "young again" but I know that I will.
A better question to be asking yourself is what is your sexual orientation? Do you find yourself thinking men or women are hotter? Or is it more equal? Is the sex a lot better with this woman? How does it compare to the sex with your husband when you first started dating him? Based on what you've written, I'm guessing that you are bisexual and possibly a lesbian. Since your husband has agreed to an open marriage, you might want to focus on exploring your sexuality more before coming out and leaving him.
SiennaFire, thanks so much. I guess I think men and women are equally hot, though I'm always checking out girls bodies and guys not usually. Sex is a better with the gf than with the husband. Including the time i first started dating him. It just never was there between him and me. But we have so many other qualities, and have each other's backs, so I never even thought about it or worried about the sex part, always thinking I was just frigid and couldn't climax. I thought it was a great marriage overall. Husband worried about me though and tried to help me "get there" but it was always an effortful process for me, and didn't seem like it was worth all the effort. Then I met her, and now i can climax so easily. I have sexual dreams too, and that never happened before. Even kissing her the clouds part and angels sing. But for women, our sexual peak is middle age, so I'm 2nd guessing if this is a gay thing or a middle age thing. Also, religious upbringing/shame about sex. I will be more than happy though to explore my sexuality more with her . That is a homework assignment I don't mind. Thanks again.
I too had a religious upbringing. Catholic school my entire life. I fell in love with a girl my Freshman year of high school. I didn't realize it was love Bc of being young, naive and completely scared to death of what I was feeling Bc of my upbringing. But it was love...no question. For so many reasons I never acted on my feelings Bc I didn't know what it was exactly and also out of fear---i thought if I liked a girl and my first relationship was with a girl then that would mean I was gay and I couldn't get married and have kids and boy oh boy would everyone be disappointed (this was twenty years ago when gay marriage, etc was not really in existence). My experience, which is kind of narrow, kinda helped me figure things out. I only had one boyfriend my entire life and I married him. Had kids with him. Lost touch with my first love bc of many reasons. Didn't talk for seven years. In that span of time I met my husband, got engaged and was set to marry....she came looking for me and found me a month before I was going to marry him. In the span of seven years she had gotten married and had two kids. We we reconnected my heart did flips. I had found my light again. I at first thought it was Bc I had reconnected with a best friend...but looking back now after a lot of analyzing I knew what I was really feeling. I did get married. She was not at my wedding. She lived in a different state. Over the next few years we kept in touch but she was a good enough distance away that Our relationship maintained the best friend status and nothing more. She moved back into town right when I had my first child and we grew very close again. As the years progressed my husband and I began having issues and her and I grew closer. The issues were unrelated to her (or so I thought) and we world through them (still are working through them...). My relationship with my best friend, the connection, the emotional bond we had was unlike anything I ever experienced. She made me Feel whole. Made me feel like me, made me happy, alive. Even when things were good with my husband, I still had the strong connection, want and desire for her. Point being, yes it could be boredom. It could also Be that finally after years of suppressing this desire inside of you you now feel free and fifteen and want to learn and experience as much as you can. You're lucky you have an open relationship with you husband...you may learn that your connection with your friend satisfy you in ways your relationship with hinever could. For me, I know if my husband and I ever separate I am Dating women...at this point with the little bit of experience I have had with a woman, the connection, the desire----that's where I would go. I know things are super confusing and crazy right now...but just lee coming here and chatting, this board is an awesome resource with great people!
Determining one's orientation is not always easy. Based on what you've written, you could be a lesbian. For me I remember thinking that boys were cute as early as 6th grade and idolizing other guys with GF throughout high school. In hindsight I can say that I had crushes on these guys, though without any positive gay role models growing up, I was not prepared to interpret these gay feelings. Sex with men feels so much better than sex with women did. I feel extra dimensions and fireworks, akin to the clouds parting and angels singing that you mention. Chip, who is one of the EC admins, has a masturbation challenge that is helpful in determining orientation. When you masturbate without porn - do you fantasize about women or men? Good luck and enjoy the journey of discovery (&&&)
Chicago - Thanks for letting me know, I see aspects of both in my affair partner, so I just need to take it slow and investigate more. Thanks 3rdTime, yes, I feel free and fifteen and I just want to be with her as much as possible, to follow my relationship with her to whatever destination or conclusion will happen. "It's dangerous so dangerous / I wanna do it again" - David Guetta This should be an easy enough question. But I will need to investigate that further as well. The extra dimensions and fireworks thing is really disorienting and frankly spooky. I feel like I'm seeing colors I've never seen before. There is an LGBT center nearby I might go to for more answers and support.
I don't think it has to be one or the other - I think you likely have two "high"s happening at the same time. The newness of your relationship with her is one, and sure, that could wear off after a while and settle into a cozy place that doesn't cause that constant rush. But it sounds to me like you've also realized sex is just generally better for you with a woman, and the fireworks and color you describe are from finally enjoying sex in general.
Many of us feel the start of a second adolescence the first time that we uncork the other side of our sexuality. While the dimensions and fireworks may be disorienting and spooky, I think you know what it means. I think that your going to the LGBTQ center is also a good idea. Let us know what you discover about yourself in the process (&&&)
