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How to live an inauthentic life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by kinsey, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. kinsey

    kinsey Guest

    This is one of my greatest struggles. Feeling like I'm lying, all the time, to all but three people in my life who know. And lying especially to the person I'm supposed to be closest to, my husband of over 20 years.

    But coming out would mean putting my own happiness and authenticity ahead of my family life. Ahead of the well-being of a good, kind man who has devoted the better part of his life to us. It's not his fault I was asleep at my own wheel until mid-life.

    I work in a field where I see divorce up close. It's rarely pretty. I lived through it as a child myself. I don't want it for my kids. Our family life is good. I'd love feedback from those of you committed to your marriage, who live in secret. How do you manage?
     
  2. rachael1954

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    I am only loosely hanging on to my marriage, and my husband knows and allows me to date my girlfriend. But I'm going to jump in and reply, and say that even this feels like an inauthentic life.

    I just want to be with the gf 24/7. I miss her and long for her, and all the sappy things a teenager does.

    I feel the same about being asleep at the wheel until mid-life. I am horrified by the prospect of divorce, how it would destroy us and we would never be friends. I don't want that. At all.

    But at the same time I don't want to feel like this 10 years from now and come to the realization that I could have been happy instead of making me and the husband miserable. And if he was set free who is to say he couldn't find love also?

    I'm curious to see other comments here, to see the coping mechanisms people come up with, because I'm barely keeping it together.. :frowning2:
     
  3. zgirl81

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    I didn't have a coping mechanism!

    I got really depressed but then saw how my husband was when our good friend came out. He was really supportive. So I came out to my husband as bi about a year and a half ago. He was, again, really supportive. We talked about it, and he just wants me to make sure I'm happy. We've both changed our habits to support each other in all kinds of ways since.

    I think he knew something was up well before I came out. He could tell that I wasn't acting like myself, and that I was searching for something and not finding it.

    My husband wanted to stay with me even though I was questioning. I got lucky.
     
  4. angeluscrzy

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    Its great when you have a partner that is supportive despite the pain it no doubt causes. My ex, definitely not the supporting kind......no I'm the evil fag that only used her for her womb and fucked her over in every conceivable way. That said, we are soon to be going thru a tough custody battle, no doubt, and so many things just feel unsettled. Now working 68 hours a week just to get by which is still not cutting it. Oh well, the only good thing out of it all is at least I can finally be true to myself.

    Well, that wasn't really any coping mechanisms.......so, weed. Lots of smoking, lots of hanging with the kids and staying away from the spouse, that's how I managed til that no longer worked.
     
    #4 angeluscrzy, Sep 6, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  5. kinsey

    kinsey Guest

    Thanks for the laugh!:icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
     
  6. angeluscrzy

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    My ex suggested an open relationship at one point but I knew she would never be completely game for it. Neither would I really. I would crave the emotional intimacy with that other person and I find cheating deplorable. All I can say is that in ending a relationship, there is gonna be collateral damage of some sort. Its pretty unavoidable. Speaking for myself, I just had repressed things for so long and over time it gets harder to keep hiding or not wanting to act on it, and in time the relationship will suffer anyway. To be honest with yourself, and to take the time and recognize that what YOU want matters too, I'm still trying to learn it, but I haven't felt so alive in ages. Things are still crappy a lot but my sexuality is not an issue for me now. At least I am finally giving myself the chance to be what feels more natural.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    You identify as bisexual, so why is your life inauthentic? You can continue to stay with your husband until your children get older. Once your children are in college you can divorce and pursue a relationship with a woman.
     
  8. UniqueJourney

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    I've known that I was gay since I was about 9 years old. But I was excruciatingly shy as a kid, grew up in a small town, and only knew two other kids who were gay (they were out, and horribly tormented for it, I might add). I was extremely closeted and could not accept myself. After high school I ended up married to a man more than 10 years my senior. He was 30...I was 19 (and still a virgin).

    I'll make a long story short and say that I repressed myself horribly for 13 years. I lived a lie that tormented me to the point that I wanted to die. My husband knew that I was gay before we got married and he always knew when I struggled with it during our marriage. I never cheated on him, but I felt like I'd shoved myself into small, windowless box and left myself there to die, starved and suffocated.

    When I finally found the courage to accept myself, our 3 kids were very young and the words "collateral damage" does not begin to cover what happened.

    In the end, the thing that pushed me over the edge of coming out was the thought that one or more of my children might someday face the same struggle that I was going through. The thought that any of my children might feel as ashamed of themselves as I had felt for so many years, might fear losing everyone they loved if they embraced who they truly were, and might want to die to end that torment...that's what gave me the strength to finally come out.

    Has it been hard? No...it's been hell. But now that a few years have gone by, and I've heard my oldest tell me that she's proud of me, and that I'm the best mom in the world...it's been worth it. It still isn't easy, but I can say it's been worth it.

    In the end, you benefit no one by living a lie. Yes, coming out could totally rock your world. But being human means being fallible. And every parent who truly cares for their children has felt the weight of their own fallibility at some point. It's good for children to see their parents admitting to their own falliblity. It's good for children to learn how to be honest (even when it hurts)...and humble when they've made a mistake...and to love and embrace all of themselves.

    Do you want your children to love themselves? Be the role model they need, and love yourself. There is no shame in not knowing something before you know it. It isn't selfish to love yourself.

    All my best to you (from someone who's been there).
     
  9. skiff

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    I would not enable (or dignify) your question with a response.

    You are living a lie, how would that be different from walking into an AA meeting and asking for enablement advice in your drinking?
     
    #9 skiff, Sep 6, 2015
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  10. OnTheHighway

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    Simple answer, get to a place where you do not need to. Living inauthentically has the consequence of those around you living the same way. Ripping the band-aid off is painful, as it should be, but once you do everyone heals, there is good to come out of it: a silver lining shall we say.

    My x was trapped in my lie while we were married, did she think she was happy, yes. Was she genuinely happy, no. While married, she lived under my shadow of mood swings and distant emotional interactions. She was able to focus her attention on our kids, but she did not fulfil herself with all that she was truly capable of. I inadvertently held her back.

    Today, she still has her kids, she now has become truly independent, she has achieved far beyond she ever thought she could in her outside pursuits, and while she feels the pain of our separation, we both recognise how she is better off.

    Kids are resilient, they went through their pain as well, but have since rebounded magnificently.

    By holding back yourself, I believe you are actually holding back others as well.
     
    #10 OnTheHighway, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  11. Sorrel

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    I think we have much less control than we think. We might know in our heart and soul that X is the right thing to do, and still not be able to do it. Why? Because we are only seemingly in control of the human being we refer to as "I".

    I think you know where you need to go, and sooner or later, you're going to take the steps necessary. But not before you're ready. Some unknown thing will set the wheels in motion. Chances are they're turning already.
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    I noticed a change in how you identify on EC. Since you now identify as "Bi - but way more attracted to women" then I would agree with the subsequent posters (UniqueJourney, skiff, and OnTheHighway) that living inauthentically is not a good option. While divorce is a painful process, it will allow you and your spouse to live authentically and not expose your children to the side effects of denial and strained marriage.
     
  13. kinsey

    kinsey Guest

    Clearly my question is a hot button for some people. But you know, this is hard enough of a struggle, and since I'm limited to a few paragraphs to explain my situaiton, none of you have enough info to give me advice I didn't ask for. I didn't come to be judged. This is my third day on this forum and instead of support for the question I asked, many of you decide you know what's best for me. Sure, maybe I will come out to the world at some point. Maybe tomorrow, maybe three seconds from now. But FOR NOW, I'd love to hear how others in my situation are managing. We don't need to make each other feel worse.
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    Kinsey,

    No one is judging, please do not look at it that way. Most on EC are here either because they are in the process of working through their issues or have already done so. And in both cases, living inauthentically is a sensitive topic; given the desire to remove such inauthenticity. The objective of those on this site is not to continue to live inauthentically, but to get past that point. So your question is very difficult for others to answer.

    its two sides of the same coin.
     
  15. kinsey

    kinsey Guest

    All due respect, OnTheHighway - someone telling me I'm "living a lie" and that responding to my question is akin to enabling an alcoholic isn't judging? Really feels that way. Isn't the objective on this site to support each other through whatever process we need, in ways that we ask? If people find "living inauthentically" difficult to answer, they don't even need to click on my post, nevermind respond to it. Certainly not by suggesting that the "simple" answer to all my problems is to just come out.
     
  16. angeluscrzy

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    I don't see coming out as some magical pill that will make anything better. In fact, in the short term it can make things much worse. Those are things that have to be weighed out. If you simply want to live "inauthentically" and just get by........then that's easy. Detach yourself from everything you want cause it's better to lie and save someone else's feelings, repress every desire and tell yourself you're not allowed to have those, drown in alcohol or drugs because over time you just want anything to dull the anguish of faking your emotions.
    I don't mean for any of that to come across as offensive in any way, but really that's the gist of it.

    Btw: I am just newly out, after 14 years with ex and things definitely suck right now. Fortunately I have good bonds with my children so that's not an issue for me. However, I'm sure a nasty custody battle is about to begin any day now. Nothing is easy about any of it, that's for sure, I just know that I no longer could take the self-deprivation and sense of having no "self" any longer
     
    #16 angeluscrzy, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  17. OnTheHighway

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    Kinsey, Nope, I disagree. If you want people to give you answers that you want to hear, rather than answers that they want to express, maybe a public forum is not for you. You need to be prepared to take both what you want to hear and what you may not want to hear. Thats how this works.

    I would add, however, that everyone seems be doing so from the stand point of helping you.
     
    #17 OnTheHighway, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  18. TeaTree

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    I understand how what you wrote here could have attracted such heated reactions from some people. If I would interpret this as a direct question I would react the same way probably.

    But I choose to see another side of this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you'd like to find a way to keep your marriage the way it was before and also to continue to see women aside? I'm not judging, I see getting closer to other people when you are in a relationship a very real and possibly beautiful thing. But I think this would work only if there is communication about it and both people want it, some kind of open marriage.

    This would be a solution in case you'd like to still remain in the relationship, in my opinion. And on the long term the only one for this option, I guess.
    Or something like a very close friendship with your husband, while you would basically end the marriage.

    This is something I'm hoping for with my bf, I'm not married though and have no kids and I know it can get a lot more complex....
    I really would like to think that is possible to remain close with him even though it will never be anything like it was before. But I don't want it to be like before!!!

    I think it makes sense to realize that things have changed and they will never be back to where they were. So here is the moment to ask: what do you really want for yourself?

    I strongly believe that our happiness and authenticity influences the lives of people around us, especially those very close to us. And if we decide to give up our happiness for the happiness of others around us, we not only create unhappiness for ourselves but for them as well. We are sensitive beings and people can sense more than what is visible on the surface.

    In my case, I was trying to convince myself for the last two years (or even more) to get finally married to my boyfriend, everyone and everything around me suggested this as logical next step. And the turning point which made me come out to myself and him was that I imagined having kids and those kids would get older and I would have to talk to them about sexuality while lying to myself about it. It felt so painful, this whole image that I realized there is no way I can go on like this.

    I'm not in your situation, but I'm not far either. I'm struggling too, but I feel like I have to choose myself, not only for me but for everyone around me.

    I'm really sorry you are going through this, and in case you'd like to talk I'm here (*hug*)
     
  19. UniqueJourney

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    Kinsey, there is no judgment from me. None at all. I've been there and I shared my experience in the hope that it might help you realize that you don't have to sacrifice your authentic self. But I do understand, completely, where you are. I lived in that place for many years. And having done so, I have to agree with angeluscrzy.

    The only way I was able to survive living "inauthentically" for so many years was to viciously repress myself. I didn't drown in drugs or alcohol, but over time I came to the place where I contemplated death to end my internal struggle and torment. I came very close to ending my life and leaving my children without a mother.

    I don't wish that on anyone. So when asked how to continue living an inauthentic life, I just wanted to share the toll that it takes to do so.

    I truly do wish you all the best. I have been where you are and I know the pain. May you find encouragement and strength as you move forward on your journey.
     
  20. angeluscrzy

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    I know, for myself, pretty much every hell I ever felt growing up stemmed from all the feelings over my sexuality. I have dealt with depersonalization pretty much as far back as I can remember, have become completely detached from anything "self", so much that I hate pictures of me, sometimes I feel I don't even connect with my own reflection in the mirror. I have numerous suicide attempts in my past, over half dozen hospitalizations, and spent two years in a psych facility (ages 15-17), I find it hard to truly believe this has been my life. Now, split from my gf of 14+years, 3 kids, and about to go thru a nasty custody battle. All of that aside, having accepted this and being ready to move forward, I am feeling inspired for the first time in forever. I have started working out to be healthier and just want to take care of myself more. Coming out later definitely has its share of pitfalls and bad times, but given the hell I've went thru repressing things all these years, its hard to imagine that being any worse.