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Step by step in a new direction

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sorrel, Sep 7, 2015.

  1. Sorrel

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    So a few weeks ago my boyfriend asked to have sex with me for the last time. I agreed, and hoped it would be special and memorable. It wasn't. I felt like always, like I wanted it to be over really quickly, I couldn't stand the way he touched me and kissed me, I felt like I was violating myself. After all, I was the one consenting. I could've said no.

    At the same time I can almost never say no. It's the same thing now. My boyfriend / ex is still being very physical with me. Cuddling, holding, squeezing, putting his hands between my legs half-joking... I raise my eyebrows everytime. That kind of thing never felt right even when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. His being so needy and physical has always annoyed me. I thought maybe I'm just a cold person.

    We've been sleeping in the same bed until now, not having sex. That doesn't mean he doesn't get turned on when he's next to me. Easily and quickly, and then we're stuck in a dark tunnel with no way out. If he gets in one of his moods, he'll get depressed and start saying noone will ever love him, he's ugly, he's broken, and then he'll start saying how he doesn't understand all this, like how can I have been in a 10 year relationship with him and suddenly not want to touch him? Why can't I help him come right now? Why did I lie to him for 10 years? etc.

    I keep quiet, like I always do when things get uncertain. It's my #1 strategy. I don't want to send him into anger, bitterness or other dangerous territory, so I keep silent. I try to explain by pointing to myself and saying: "homo". A half-joke, sometimes we have to half-joke so we can survive the hard conversations.

    When he's in a good mood, no problem. I feel free, light-weight. It feels like we are two best friends ready to take on the world because we cherish each other so much. I love hugging him and even cuddling because sometimes he looks really cute and I realize how much I care for him. Then his hands land on my ass, and I get very uncomfortable.

    I've realized that my allies: shyness, silence, and observation - have become my home because I can hide with those behaviours. I'm hiding. I've been hiding. Not only from other people, but from myself. I've noticed that feeling shy and acting shy is a form of repression. Shyness is numbness. It's like having a numb part of your body that you can't really feel. It's mute. Shyness occurs when I repress a certain behaviour, sensation or thought. I've recently discovered my own masculinity, and energies and behaviours linked to it that I used to keep hidden from myself, because they "don't fit" a tiny woman. Things like aggression, competitiveness, self-confidence, setting boundaries, speaking my mind, standing up for myself, taking up space etc (in a positive way!). I have urges to make a lot of noise, talk to strangers and seduce women. Saying no and meaning it, explaining to others what I need and what I value - instead of always adapting, putting my needs aside, making myself invisible, and catering to everyone else's needs. I'm beginning to feel what I need, and respect those needs. They are important.

    I might need love, for one thing. I used to not believe in love. I didn't get it, I didn't feel it when watching romantic movies or reading romantic novels, where a man and a woman fell in love. Get married? What a horrible idea. It would be like prison. And sex seemed like a great concept, could be fun obviously, or so people said. I just wasn't that interested. Like, how were you supposed to do it? I almost never noticed guys anyway. Figuring out how to have great sex seemed like a chore. I would probably have to go study human sexuality somewhere, maybe take classes to get more in touch with my body in order to "get it".

    But I can't even describe the feeling I get when I think about two women together. What a natural thing. That makes so much sense. I always wanted to get really close to other girls. I connect so easily, so quickly. I can get lost in a girl's soul. There's beauty there. I can't describe it.

    Why didn't anybody tell me that feeling matters? That it's real? That's the one I should have paid attention to?

    When I see my boyfriend / ex, I'm still confused. I feel like a snail withdrawing into it's shell. In my case, the shell might be a closet. I'm not sure though. I have no idea what I feel when I'm with him. He doesn't get it, he'll say: "But we can watch adult movies with two women having sex and touch ourselves..." Um, no we can't. But I have to be careful what I say to him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I emphathize with him so much. At the same time I'm tired of feeling like somebody else's stuffed animal that they can handle any way they wish.

    We've now agreed to sleep separatedly. This is good.

    I have no idea what I'm doing. Am I doing the right thing? No idea. I'm just taking steps, or rather - I'm watching my feet as they take steps in a different direction. All I know is that when I smile nowadays I'm using muscles in my face I didn't know I had - my smile is wider, more open, it feels like I'm letting all of the smile out, not half-hiding it.

    Question for you guys: Is there hope for me and my ex as friends? Has anyone else gone through a slow separation like this, where you try to remain close? Any advice?

    Thanks for reading!
     
  2. TeaTree

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    Hey Sorrel, I really want to reply on this one, because I am so there, in the same situation almost and I'm definitely going to do it a bit later, just because I'm now at work after three hours of sleep only :icon_bigg
    But just wanted to say for now that I read your post and you are definitely not alone in this (*hug*)
     
  3. angeluscrzy

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    I've been trying to be decent to my ex but finding it terribly difficult. She has felt the same as your bf, thinking that our whole 14 years together was nothing but a lie. I've tried to be as kind and easy as possible, but unfortunately you can't control how they are gonna take things. I've helped her a few times with some really important things she needed, only to still face the same hostility and homophobic slurs she occasionally throws out. I do what I do for our kids tho, I am trying to be nice for their sake more than anything. Hopefully your situation turns out better than mine has been so far. Right now, I just think I need to cut any contact with her.
     
  4. TeaTree

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    Just before anything else, I have to tell you that I really like the way you describe your feelings and manage to capture the smallest details, it's always nice to read your posts :slight_smile:

    Now back to the middle of it, I am somewhere there in a similar situation now. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend since I told him first that I'm questioning, but a few weeks later when I actually came out to him I told him explicitely (okay, tried to be diplomatic) that I don't want to have sex again. I think this was indeed a shock to him but he, unlike your bf, doesn't try to touch me, instead he is drowning his deception in tons of sarcasm, passive aggressive behaviour and a wall of coldness. I know he is in pain and whenever I look at him I feel guilty. But started to accept the feeling, it goes with the package, I just try not to let the guilt paralize me. Which starts happening if I spend too much time with him in the flat.
    We still sleep in the same bed for lack of other options, but also because we are in this limbo stage. I think he needs time to digest this, but the issue is the more we are together in the same space, the less energy I have to take new steps.

    When I came out to him and since then I haven't told him I want to break up. I guess I wasn't ready, but I know the next logical step would be moving out. I'm just so scared in a way. When I'm not at home with him I'm not thinking about moving because I feel good. But when at home, it's just depressing most of the time. Amazing how my mood can change after five minutes at home.

    I would also like to remain close friends but avoiding him and him being cold and sarcastic with me doesn't really steer the wheel in that direction right now. Though I think he needs to be like this in order to cope and get through this. At least for a while, not sure what happens after.

    I was thinking that maybe I should be closer to him and when he is not ice-cold with me but more human-like, I want to hug him, but last time I did that he was quite emotional and I figured this might just delay the time he needs to grief, not sure.

    One thing I know, since we stopped having sex I'm getting less and less interested in sex with men, right now I can't imagine myself wanting that again..

    So yeah, I'm taking it one step at a time too, though not sure what would be the next one.
    But not sure I need to know that. Since I came out to myself I started letting go of knowing in advance and controlling my life and realized that this is where the actual "living" takes place. Somewhere between not knowing and letting go. You know, just enjoying the ride.
    So I'm learning how to do that now :slight_smile:

    So obviously this above wasn't the "advice" section, more like the "I can relate" one. As I really can (*hug*)
     
  5. angeluscrzy

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    Wow........everything above. Switch the genders and that is damn near exactly how I'd describe things with my ex.
     
  6. Sorrel

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    angeluscrzy, sorry to hear about your situation. You're doing the right thing in trying to be kind and understanding, even if it's hard sometimes. For me it's hard to understand my ex's reaction... I'm so caught up in my own journey, discovering who I am, and I feel sort of safe on that journey, if you know what I mean. I feel like I have to be my own best friend, and no matter what happens, I need to stay connected to a sense of unconditional love for myself, but also for other people because this journey is about love and acceptance. To then be met with doubt, hostility, denial, clingy or manipulative behaviour is so confusing. My ex has said that he'll never be able to tell his family about my sexuality, since they would hate me, because they expect that "people should have that figured out much earlier in life". I believe he's projecting his own feelings on them.
    Maybe cutting contact with your ex is the right thing to do, if you feel drained from it all. You need to take care of yourself. Her negative energy is really her cross to bear in the end... I don't mean to sound cold, but sometimes we need to draw the line somewhere, even if we empathize...


    Thanks TeaTree :slight_smile: Guilt is an enormous feeling and it does lead to paralyzation. How helpful it is to know that! "Wait, I can't move! ...oh, that again."
    I recognize what you write, I also change when I'm around my ex. For as long as I've known him, I've felt very free and more like myself each time I've left his home (we've never lived together). I would notice that but stuff it in the back of my mind, as I thought something was just wrong with me for feeling that - I have a problem with getting close to people, I'm neurotic, etc.

    Stay strong! I think you're right in that he needs time to work through grief and other emotions. It's like the weather I think... sometimes it rains furiously, and we can only stand back and let the rain do what it needs to do.
     
    #6 Sorrel, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  7. mellie

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    Sorrel, you described my feelings towards my husband exactly. We have kids, so we are going to have to find a way to have a civil relationship when I do tell him that I'm a full-blown lesbo (whenever that day may come). In your situation, it sounds like you two need space. It's probably very hard for him to process it all when you guys are still in each other's lives so much.

    I'm kind of there with you. My husband knows I fell in love with a woman. He thinks I'm "questioning." We are in counseling trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm terrified of hurting him. We had sex the other night and it was, as always, empty. Sex with him is so depressing. You're not alone. Hugs to you.
     
  8. Sorrel

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    mellie thanks, I believe you're right, we probably need distance. Good advice.