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I don't know what I want or what I like anymore

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TeaTree, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. TeaTree

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    As the title says. I'm here shortly after coming out to myself (which is still in progress in a way) and I'm realising that I have no idea what I actually like in life. I mean from all the small things, like I don't know what type of work I actually want to do, how I want to spend my free time, what shoes I actually like, what film I want to watch, etc.

    I think I got so used to make my choices based on what would be more accepted or how would this choice make me look in the eyes of other people that I lost touch with myself.

    I'm looking at what shoes to buy and cannot think which I would actually like but how would other people see me in them....

    It's just exhausting, I really want to get back to myself and just be.
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi

    You are open to all possibilities. Not a bad place to be.

    Some get locked into their old compliance issues never realizing it.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Hi TeaTree,

    Realizing this is actually a good thing, it is a quality of "stuckness" that Zen masters cultivate. It is to dwell in that space-in-between that doesn't hold firmly to any position or idea. You are thus "entertaining" or "holding in-between" the kinds of things you are contemplating.

    The prescription is to let go of the need to decide and to stop thinking about it. I know this is counter-intuitive, but just let your subconscious work on it a bit. Go about your normal routines, go into a Zen-like state, like doing dishes or mopping the floor. You will find that in this state your mind will send up a signal (a very faint signal that you have to watch out for) when something "tickles your fancy", something about the quality of that signal will interest you, a thought, an idea, a preference will emerge by clearing your mind from the pressure to decide.

    Worth a try!
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    This is all about finding yourself. Its a journey for sure. To add to greatwale's comments, no need to force it or rush. You might be thinking about shoes today, your job tomorrow, and where you want to live a year from now. And I am not sure the journey ever ends.
     
  5. go figure

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    I came out to my husband and more importantly to myself exactly a month ago today, and am going through a very similar problem.
    It's like everything you know about yourself is a lie and now you don't know what's up or down. :bang:

    I don't really have any tried and true advice other than what I've been doing. Everytime I feel my brain start to wander in a negative way I journal what I'm thinking at that moment. Just so I can get it out of my head and move on to something more productive. Sometimes it works better than others, but it's an outlet and I can always go back at another time to look at what was bothering me when I have a more clear head.

    I also keep reminding myself that people are always changing in one way or another, and it's OK for me to change too. It was my time, and instead of fighting it try to go along with it and just see what happens. It's a very uncomfortable place to be in life, both emotionally and physically. But I've found that lowering my standards of what I expect from myself during this time is really helping me get back to feeling a bit more at peace and like myself.

    Try to keep your head up and take one day at a time.
    Stay positive and don't let yourself beat yourself up. (*hug*)
     
  6. Viator

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    Remember, you are more than the issue that you face at this time. Turn the problem on its side, you are a person out shopping for shoes - you've got this. Embrace the wonderfully mundane decisions like "coffee, or tea?" Think about the way many languages use more "serious" language for things in life. We "forge new relationships" we "die to protect" something. The time will come to give the weighty matters their due, enjoy when you are given the chance to enjoy the less substantive. This is not trivializing your feelings, I do not mean to do that.
     
  7. rachael1954

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    Get the comfortable shoes.

    In all seriousness, this has been a problem for me up until very recently. I have a problem with people-pleasing, or dressing for the occasion and not myself, or doing the same activities my friends do and losing myself. I can pretty much be happy or get along with anything.

    The way I started to find myself was to eliminate things one by one that I didn't like.

    Free time: Everyone likes movies, right? Well I started to realize that I really don't like most movies, I'm actually really picky. Once I realized this I embraced being a movie snob, and now when I do watch a movie, it's because I am interested in it, and I get a lot more enjoyment out of it instead of feeling like I've wasted 2 hours.

    You may hate really tight clothes, or really loose clothes. You may hate the company of certain types of people. You may hate being hot, or cold. Start small, and work your way up. It seems like a bummer to focus on the negative, but you may find what you like more easily by this process of elimination.
     
    #7 rachael1954, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  8. TeaTree

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    Yes, this does work and I am able to stay in this above perspective sometimes. Thanks for reminding because it's really easy to forget about this. :slight_smile:

    Just have to mention on the side that in the last two years I went through this "spiritual searching" rollercoaster, during which I got to question most of my believes (hence the emotional rollercoaster effect) in the way that every month I arrived to a different belief almost, and I think this was one of the catalysts that led me here, to finally find the parts of myself I've been hiding for so long.

    Anyway, I know I should let things happen and unfold, live in the "great perhaps", but sometimes I'm afraid I have the capacity to live there forever. Like what I've done in my twenties, live my life in my head, but not actually live. I know this is different from the Zen-like state though, but I have this huge resistance, this paradox of "I'm afraid to let go because then I might get dragged into and stuck in a life other than the one from my fantasies".

    But in the same time the happiest moments are the ones when I do let go but when I'm also me without trying to conform to any labels and expectations.
    And sometimes I cannot find the switch to send myself in this state.

    So basically I think I'm afraid that there is no guarrantee for me to be sure that I will ever know what I want or what I like. Or if I'll ever stop caring what others think. Because this is what letting go is about also: you let go of the need of certainty. And this is what is really scarry.

    ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2015 at 11:06 PM ----------

    Yes, the "one thing at a time" attitude always helps. But what if I ask myself "coffee or tea" and my first thought is "let's see what other people are drinking around here" and decide based on that. Just to be accepted/not to be rejected or ridiculed. This has become my default mental setup all through the years. I'm just a bit afraid whether I'll manage to get rid of it. Though there are moments when I can do it, but still far from getting "cured" of this huge fear of ridicule I had/have.

    ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2015 at 11:10 PM ----------

    And finally I did buy the shoes today, and I've chosen something I liked and it just felt right. And it was a wonderful feeling :icon_bigg Without any guarrantees or outside approval. So I guess there is hope :icon_bigg