29, Married with Children, and I'm a Lesbian. How to cope?

Hi Mellie,
Welcome. And let me first say that you're not alone. There are several ladies on this forum who have a wealth of knowledge and experience to offer. I myself will be 38, have been married for over ten years and have two children. Over the past two years I have come to the realization that I am attracted to women and have been working through that and what that means to me, my marriage and family. I am glad that you're in therapy because I think that is a great place to start. I don't think any one of us can offer an answer on what exactly to do because everyone's journey is their own, but we can offer support and a place to come talk to to vent, process, whatever you need. For me this forum has helped me find comfort in knowing other women have gone through and are going through situations similar to mine. What I have learned that matters most is that you be true to yourself and who you are. This is an extremely emotional process to go through and know that you should go at your own pace. There is no rush. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your girls. Continue to be open with not only yourself but your husband.

You have found a good place, everyone on here is pretty amazing and insightful. You will find a lot of support and learn a lot.

HUGS.

 

mellie welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

All your questions are valid and very hard to answer. I'm glad you have already taken the steps to have therapy, both individual and also through a marriage counselor. You may find this forum extremely beneficial, if only for the fact that many women are in your same position.

I have been struggling for a long time and I think my next step will have to be therapy, if the person is helpful and can see what's inside me better than I can it will be a relief to answer some of my own questions.

I am still a newb so I will defer to the more experienced members, but it seems very complex, and some people like me get bogged down in the details of each pro and con. Your journey is an individual one and you will have to ultimately be at peace with whatever decision you make, so just keep moving ahead slowly, one step at a time.

What did you feel when you kissed her? How did it change your feeling for your husband and the rest of the world outside of her? What did the therapist say that made you see the gay blinking lights?

Welcome to EC. Here's a thread you might find helpful: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html

 

Wow. I may or may not be teary-eyed right now. thank you for sharing.

 

This was very beautiful

And in a way it also reflects a lot from my own experience. I also thought I just cannot feel for some reason something deeper for my boyfriend with whom I've been together for the last eight years. I labeled ours something like a "friendly love" just to rest assure it's still okay. I had a panic attack (and several after) about three years ago when it started to come very clear to me that I was gay, just couldn't accept it. Went to search through spirituality and such to finally realize that what I have been searching for all along was myself...

I came out to my bf about a month ago and to myself around two month ago - and I have to say there was a great progress on my side since then. For me it is about a lot of identifying and unlearning old patterns, belief and stigma...It's a slow process and an intense rollercoaster but this is where I am now and I'm finally starting to reconnect with my core strength and not forcing a role anymore (or at least now I know when I'm forcing it).

I think you discovered something amazing about yourself and about life, and what you were telling yourself until now about not having the capacity to really love and connect is actually not true at all! I'm very happy for you that you realized that (*hug*)

I know it's not going to be easy, but this is so relative, and even when I'm really down I know that I just don't want to go back and it is totally worth it!
Seems like the therapist proved to be also very helpful for you, that's a great thing.

Wish you as much strength as you need to go further with this (*hug*)

 

Honestly, I'm NOT sure it's worth throwing it all away _right_ now. Maybe when you are financially independent?

I know that sounds crass, but a girl's gotta eat (and retire someday!), and you don't want to be evaluating potential partners as a way out financially. That might cause you to resent your next partner, or to settle for someone you don't really want.

 

*totally understanding you*

You truly are not alone. CapColors has a pretty good point in you probably want to give yourself the best possible chance for success. Maybe waiting till you have the 'supporting yourself' thing taken care of.

I am 34, 4 kids, married 10years. I have always been open about being gay with my husband. He knows how much I struggle to stay committed and tries to be as helpful as possible. For a long time I thought my years of being abused and eventual addictions screwed me up so bad I just couldn't feel passion, so We got married because everything else fit together.

I have never been sexually attracted to my spouse. But I do love him and I do depend on him.

I don't know... I understand your words "But I married at 19 years old (for the wrong reasons, though I lucked out with the wonderful man I chose) and chose to forget the fact that I was irrefutably attracted to women. I've been deeply depressed for a long time, lack of fulfillment and feelings that I just could not be happy. I have this great man, an awesome family, but something was still missing -- maybe happiness just wasn't in the cards for me."

You stand in a hard spot. I am sorry to see you going through something so similar to what I am going through. I know how much anguish it brings me, so I am just so sorry.

 

Hugs to you. It's such a tough situation.

 

Such a hard road. You seem to have a good head on them shoulders of of yours. Take care. Let us in on your successes. We are all on a similar path and success stories are like finding real treasure.