Hey everyone, This idea is causing me a lot of anxiety right now. In summary, I'm in my early 30s have had only 1 or 2 short sexual relationships with women, but have recently been re-evaluating my sexuality (I'm more attracted to guys than women, but have never acted on it). I've started talk-therapy with a psychotherapist, but I'm wondering -- in other people's experience -- did you 'come out' first, THEN go on same-sex dates, or did you try same-sex dating first to confirm your orientation, THEN come out? It seems like an impossible CATCH-22 for a worrier like me. How do you dabble in same-sex relationships while still in the closet (or aren't 100% sure you're even IN one). I'm sorry if my post sounds frivolous or offensive. I think this question comes from a place or fear more than anything. I'd really like to hear some of your thoughts/experience with this.
Assuming you are not in a relationship with a woman now ... then it sounds like you may want to go on a few dates with guys before coming out to others. The challenge of course is how do you meet guys if you are in the closet. This is a non issue if you are OK with interacting with the LGBT community in your area. Just go out and meet people. If you are concerned that somebody you know might see you, perhaps CL (or possibly dating sites/apps) would be the way to go. If you are dating a woman, this gets far more complicated ... HTH
CL is Craigslist. It's potentially risky and you must be very careful. For guys in the closet, that could be one's only option. Perhaps in your situation it's less risky to go to a gay bar or LGBT meetup? You need to weigh the risks for your life. To answer your original question, I went on CL to gain experience before coming out ...
There are some LGBT meet and greet events planned for the start of the new academic year at my uni (I'm a full time student). It would take some courage, but I could try that.
I never found the courage to reach out to my LGBT support group when I was in college. With the love and support of EC I would have been able to do so, though. Since this is an option for you, do whatever it takes to find the courage. One possible technique is to suspend thinking about what it means and just walk into the LGBT meet and greet event. Good luck! We're here to support you (&&&)
It's certainly not a frivolous or offensive question. It's a very good question actually, but I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Personally, I started dating shortly before I came out. In many respects it was the pressure of maintaining a secret relationship that influenced my decision to tell people. As it happens, the relationship ended before I came out to everyone, but that's a side issue. I know some people would prefer to come out first and it may be easier if you do, but I don't think it is necessarily the right (or wrong) way to go about it. What would you prefer?
For me a large part of the problem with the closet was the lying. For me having a secret inner life was bad enough. I don't think I could have paired it with a secret real life. So I came out to my parents and then just stopped hiding. I pretty much let everyone know, and then I started dating.
Same as OGS. I had a few "flings" if you want to call them that before I came out, but couldn't start dating until I was out. I came out to a few people as I started dating and by the time I was really dating someone I was out completely. That guy didn't work out, but I felt better not hiding anything.
