Hi, namaste, hola, etc. etc. As the thread title suggests I am 37 years old and I've never kissed a guy before. I've definitely wanted to (and much more :icon_wink) though. I've torn myself into teeny-tiny bits over this for years, since I first became aware that I was (at the very least) partially same-sex attracted in adolescence, but I've always wimped out like a big ol' scaredy-cat. I've had opportunities (on multiple occasions) to avail myself of my desires for other guys but each time gave into my Cowardly Lion who seems insistent on following me about and bending me to his will just at the exact moment when courage is required. I've even organised hook-ups on gay dating sites only to cancel at the last minute (yep, the Cowardly Lion roared each time). My fantasy life is littered with men I'd like to have kissed and f#*ked and fallen in love with but are held captive by my imagination alone. I like guys a lot I now realize, and naked guys are even better :lol: but I really dislike gay porn for some reason. I don't know why I guess I'm just weird. But I do like lesbian (or more accurately girl-on-girl [I'm sure many lesbians roll their eyes at what is considered lesbian]) porn. So, yeah, I get very aroused by pics of naked men and girl-on-girl porn. What. The. F*#k. I know that a man with a username of Queen Bee sounds like he probably shoots rainbows out of his eyes and talks as if singing in the key of Judy Garland but while I'm not a masculine man, I'm also not what Straightland would assume is stereotypically gay i.e. I'm more into Heavy Metal than Madonna/Kylie/Gaga (I should note that I am totally down with people liking whatever it is they choose to like). So the username is semi-ironic. It's semi-ironic because I do have a feminine or girly side that I've yet to explore (and could possibly write a thesis on the genius of Madonna :icon_wink) because, yes, you guessed it, that god damn Cowardly f#*king Lion (shoots invisible rainbows into Cowardly Lion's face). So, yeah, I think I'm gay(ish) and I think I'm finally ready to accept that and go out and try and meet a nice guy and make sweet sweet gay love with but the girl-on-girl porn/not liking gay porn thing has me a bit confuzzled, as well as the fact that I have lots of sexy lady dreams too. Plus when I self-pleasure about guys the moment of release is the exact moment I feel very horrible about life (not ashamed, just stripped-out). Basically I'm a lukewarm mess of a human being :tears: Sorry for that moment of sad, woe-is-me indulgence. It will never happen again. Promise. And if you read all that, this :eusa_clap is for you.
I'm in the same boat too so you're def not alone. I don't find gay porn that appealing either, but I just figure that's cuz I want something more meaningful than just sex. That said, I like it now more than I used to. The biggest thing is finding acceptance within yourself that nothing is wrong with having those feelings and thoughts. Once you can do that some, the shame kinda fades away.
Greetings QB: Welcome to EC, where most of read all the way to the end . I too, never kissed a man until after I came out. I hope you will also come to learn that there is no such thing as "typical" but that there is you, what you want, need, wish for, and desire. Let me tell you, you are on your way (I hope) to finding out that what is in your head, falls utterly short of the reality in many wonderful ways. Best wishes on your journey, congratulations for coming out to yourself.
Cheers mate Yeah I'm at a stage now where I'm kind of stuck. And have been for a few years if I'm honest. And the stage is where I vacillate between acceptance of who and what I am to feelings of fear about whether my friends and family will accept me when I do come out of the closet. This state of mind is kind of irrational I now realise because: 1) I've finally accepted the fact of my sexual attraction for men; that I can't change it even if I wanted to; I don't want to change this about me anymore because I actually feel fortunate to be sexually attracted to guys; that I will only ever exist once, and that is happening now, and for me to exist at all means being me and being gay is part of me. 2) I come from a very liberal and non-religious and tolerant (and slightly fucked up but that's a whole other website) family. Most of my old friends are pretty liberal too even if some are religious(ish). I live in one of the gayest cities on Earth. And I am fortunate to be living at one of the best points in history (in some parts of the world - other parts of the world are fucking medieval) for LGBT people to be LGBT people. So acceptance from others also shouldn't be such a big issue for me. But still, I've pretended to be straight for so long it's hard to imagine what life would be like giving up the lie (from what I've read on here though, it seems like I'd probably enjoy not having to pretend a bit more). Thanks again.
Thanks Viator - my response to angeluscrzy was meant to be addressed to you to but some how I nuffed it - some sage advice.
Well, yes, not living in the closet takes some getting used to. You would think it wouldn't, wouldn't you? There will be some degree of placing things within some new context. I will quote this statement that I found on another thread because it truly sums up the value of coming out: "A small place with no mental closets may feel like a palace compared to a mansion in which you can't be yourself."
Not liking gay porn has always been one of the things that has confused me and prevented me from coming out fully gay. I like naked men, and pictures of dicks and straight porn. Although to be sure, when I watch straight porn I tend to put myself in the female position. Wow I want to be her, or if I looked like think of how much cock I could get....haha
