It's only been about 3 months since I fully realized that I really like women, and about the same that I realized that I don't have much actual sexual interest in men.... leading me to the conclusion that I'm probably gay - somewhere around 4-5 on the Kinsey scale (if I'm measuring) but highly fluid - which has allowed me to live in denial for years and years. Anyhoo - it feels like it's been forever. I've come out to a handful of trusted friends and my sister - all with positive results. I have not come out to my husband. I'd like to, but I'm holding off for a few reasons: 1. He works long hours, long weeks, and when we do have time off together in the past month or so, it seems family is visiting, or one of us is out of town - we literally have not had more than a half-day together alone for at least a month. I feel like this kind of a conversation needs at least a full day of privacy! 2. We are in the middle of a work/creative project that I'm very attached to. I want to make sure it gets done, and that we can finish it together. I don't know how he'd react to my coming out, and I'm afraid of losing him and the project at the same time. 3. This will hurt him. A lot. As I wait, I feel like a liar, I feel stuck, I feel depressed. It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything. I feel like my life is on hold. I'd like to 'try this on for size', date a little - but as long as I am married I am either stuck on my own, or am venturing into a mega web of lies. I don't really know that I'm asking for advice, I've already gotten different opinions - I guess I just needed to vent a little. On the bright side, I'll be going away for 3 weeks on a work/study trip. I doubt I'll tell him before that, I think that would be unfair - but It'll give me some time on my own and with friends to maybe get a better perspective.
Perfect place to vent. Sounds like you have a few sources of support. Denial is a hard habit to break and For sure it will take time to talk about. I too keep much of who I am to my self. I have told my husband, some family and some friends. Good luck on your time and space to yourself. Also, you sound like you are a pretty good thinker. Have faith in yourself as you are gaining perspective. Find joy in your journey.
I'm in very much the same situation. I am curious as to your opinion on something. Since you are trying to figure out the physical side with women, do you consider it cheating? For some reason I have been trying to rationalize it as not cheating because it isn't with a man and there is not a deep emotional connection. I'm sure it's just my jacked up way of trying to work through the bigger picture.
Hey High Art, I can completely understand your hesitation. Especially that you are not together too much. My boyfriend works shifts, which is cool, but in the last two weeks he has been on holiday and at home 99% of the time. I'm starting to slide slowly towards a dark pseudo-depressive state and I think I know why. Anyway, I think in case you do decide to tell him, it's actually a good thing that you don't spend too much time together. Like this he will have the possibility to digest it and you as well. As I wait, I feel like a liar, I feel stuck, I feel depressed. It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything. I feel like my life is on hold. I'd like to 'try this on for size', date a little - but as long as I am married I am either stuck on my own, or am venturing into a mega web of lies. Now this is something I can 1000% relate to. Unfortunately. And it sucks. It's like a dark hole I'm being pulled into when I'm around him. Sometimes I don't even realize it. It is a vicious circle of guilt, doubt and becoming this depressed version of me who then cannot connect to her true self and then doubt again. Maybe I shouldn't have written here today since I have nothing inspiring to say (had one of the worst days). But I still know that person who is so enthusiastic about life and everything around it, the one I rediscovered a few months ago is still here, inside me. So there is hope for sure and yes, I think you know already that you will tell your husband, just not sure when. I don't think you should rush it. Only if you feel it you need to. Just one question, do you think he might have an idea about you being attracted to women or he has no clue? Ah and sorry for this rambling, today I'm not myself, but I wanted to reply
Hi LongOverdue, Nice to meet you I've been back and forth with this question. I think it would be awful to break up the relationship in order to explore my sexuality, and then find out I am bisexual and could be happy staying with my husband. I have a straight, male friend that knows pretty much everything about me - and he is of the opinion that it wouldn't be such a bad thing to connect with more women before talking to my husband about it - "To be sure" as opposed to dragging him through this. Sometimes honesty only helps our own sense of absolution. At this point I feel I have 3 choices (denying my sexual attraction to women not being one of them) 1. Tell my husband and discuss a separation 2. Don't tell my husband, and seek out women who would be willing to be with me in secret (short term)- to figure out if this is what I want. 3. Tell my husband and work out some kind of open-relationship deal/ be open with the fact that I want to explore my sexuality with women. I don't think of it as cheating in the same way as cheating with the opposite sex. I think it's not at all a perfect situation, and shouldn't be a long-term solution - but I think in the short term, I would forgive myself for stepping out of my relationship (if the opportunity presented itself again) to figure myself out before coming out to my husband. I know I had the one-time experience - but breaking up a relationship based on one experience seems like a bit of a gamble. That being said - all I think about is women (in a sexual sense) and since my actual experience with one - it's heightened the authenticity and intensity of my fantasies. So, I don't have a clear answer to your question - I think it has to be a personal choice that you are okay with. ---------- Post added 10th Sep 2015 at 03:52 PM ---------- TeaTree, Don't apologize for your post! It's nice to know we aren't all positive and sunshine about our situation ever single effing day. A lot of the time it sucks, and feels like an eternity of isolation. I too know that I will get through this eventually - which keeps me from sinking into a forever-depression - but some days/weeks are really really hard - like I don't want to get out of bed. I know he knows I have an attraction toward women, I just don't think he realizes how much. Lately, the way he's been acting, I feel like he thinks that things are pretty secure between us. Maybe because we haven't come into any mega-conflicts in about 3-4 weeks. We are getting along pretty well, and I think he thinks the lack of sex is mostly due to his exhaustion and busy work schedule...
I am in the same boat!! 2 of my reasons are a little different, but overall, the pain I will eventually knowingly inflict on my family keeps my mouth shut. I could have told him so many times.... I am lucky enough to have an open relationship where I am allowed to explore my sexuality with women. He is allowed to as well. He deserves happiness as much as I do! He just wont get what he wants from me. Anyway, I don't have much to say that is helpful, but it's nice to have a little company in this here boat, at the same time, maybe we'll find the shore soon.... (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
I've been thinking about something similar for a long time now. But if I'm brutally honest with myself I know that I haven't been happy in this relationship for a long time. Before I started seriously contemplating about my sexuality. I was afraid to label myself bisexual because then why not stay with my bf? It's like in that case I would need to face the fact that there are other issues as well here. I am not attracted sexually to him. I've been forcing myself to believe I was, I read through all kind of methods and means to connect better sexually, like orgasmic meditation and what not. But the result is the same - I feel like I'm forcing myself to do something unnatural to me. Also I feel I simply cannot be myself in this relationship. And god knows I freaking tried everything. But interestingly enough I still feel guilty about leaving him. :bang: Or wanting to. There is still this doubt. Maybe I could do more, try more. Maybe if I'Ileave him I'll always be alone. But then when I'm not soaked up in fear I realize this is exactly what I need: to be alone. To be finally independent, to allow myself be myself. So if you feel you need to try out something, to connect with women before leaving him, I can understand the need. But I wonder, what do we really have to prove to ourselves? That we are allowed to leave our bf/husband? Sure, there is no universal answer for this. But if you are not happy then you are not happy. You can't continue doing the same thing and hoping one day it will make you happy. And I know this is not black or white, that is why I am still in this relationship in a way...But it's slowly eating my soul..and my energy to actually go towards what I want. Even if I don't know exactly what that is...
I know what you mean, I tried so hard to connect sexuality but it's just not there. He's extremely attracted to me which makes me feel guilty for not feeling the same after all these years
High Art, Thanks for your input and perspective! I've been wrestling with that issue for a while. I may even throw the question out on the thread, too. I wasn't sure if I was being a selfish ass by justifying my actions as the best option. At this point, I'm thinking it really is the best option for me. Thanks again.
I've been thinking about something similar for a long time now. But if I'm brutally honest with myself I know that I haven't been happy in this relationship for a long time. Before I started seriously contemplating about my sexuality. I was afraid to label myself bisexual because then why not stay with my bf? It's like in that case I would need to face the fact that there are other issues as well here. But interestingly enough I still feel guilty about leaving him. :bang: Or wanting to. So if you feel you need to try out something, to connect with women before leaving him, I can understand the need. But I wonder, what do we really have to prove to ourselves? That we are allowed to leave our bf/husband? Teatree - I have thought about this too. However, there are good things. There are good things about him and us - and I don't hate him, and he's barely around - so I can't even tell what I feel about him right now. However, whether I am gay or bi - I still want to experience that part of me - I won't be able to shove it to the side. I don't know. The sexuality issue is separate from the other issues, and from the advice I read on "coming out" websites - it's best not to combine all your issues when coming out to your spouse.... Trying to deal with one thing at a time. I know you know how this feels. I think we'll get through the other side. This part sucks though.
Hey! Haven't been able to respond yet to your wall message. The system won't let me because I am new and don't have 10 posts yet. IDK.
Yeah, agree. Also, I don't hate my bf either, we actually were best friends before. But that was when my self esteem was pretty low and we had this dynamic where I felt I always had to have his permission for everything and couldn't have a seperate opinion. Though you're right, and this is a good advice, not to combine sexuality with other relationship issues. In my case though I think there is a connection between the other issues appearing snd finally being able to accept my sexuality. I allowed myself to actually search for happyness, for what makes me happy when it started to be obvious that this relationship cannot.
