1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Still Working Through It

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LongOverdue, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. LongOverdue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    GA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m now in my early 40’s, married and have children. I suppose that I have known that I am lesbian (or suspected it) since my adolescence. However, it isn’t something that I actually acknowledged to myself until a few years ago. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I said anything to anyone else. I was fortunate enough to have a friend that I could openly talk to about it. I came from a small, backward town that did not accept people that were different. It didn’t matter if it was sexual orientation or something as silly as a different accent. There was no need to cause undue grief to my family who would have to deal with every day from their friends and other family members. So, I took those feeling and buried them. Over the years through middle school, high school and even college I always found myself more attracted to my friends than my boyfriends. I have never enjoyed sex with men. I dismissed it as “some people must just not have the same enjoyable experience” or “there must be something physical wrong or different with me since I don’t like it”. Once again, I buried it. I stuck with the path of normal and married the boy that I had dated in school. It didn’t take but a couple years for that to implode. It fell apart for a lot of reason but looking back I think that my disinterest in men played a bigger role than I admitted. I still found myself drawn to girls but never acted on it. I think it was mostly that the opportunity never presented itself. I have so many gay guys as friends but never any lesbian friends (at least none that weren’t in a long term relationship). I continued to ignore any of the signs or temptations to make a move. I was probably confused and lost because I wanted kids but still didn’t enjoy intimacy with men. I decided to try the marriage thing again because the desire for kids was growing and I wasn’t getting any younger. Fast forward 11 years/2 kids and this is where I am now. I have been able to keep it in check for most of the time but over the past few years I found myself back in the same place. I am even more attracted to women. That is where I’m drawn and that is what sexually interests me. I have been attracted to a few of my friends but I have never acted on it because I know they are truly straight. I occasionally go out to some of the local gay bars. I would like to just get the physical curiosity “out of my system” so that I could know more definitively. I have kissed several girls before but it never went beyond that point. I don’t want to make any drastic decisions or declarations that can ruin my family or negatively affect my kids if it isn’t right. Unfortunately, I have found that there aren’t that many women that go out and that the ones that do are 20 years younger than me. It makes it even worse that I compare everyone to my best friend who is my example of my “perfect type”. I want to figure this out before I’m too old and feel like I have missed out on an opportunity to be truly happy and fulfilled. I guess more than looking for advice I just needed to get my thoughts out there because they have been swirling around in my head for too long causing chaos.