Coming out to others before your spouse? Is it fair?

It may not really be fair, but if you are like me, you need a confidant to bounce things off of before you jump in and take the plunge. I am out to about 6 people, even though I am sure many more suspect. I think my bf suspects, but until I say it, he will continue to be in denial.

as for fair, nothing really IS fair, if it were, we wouldn't be in this spot.

 

I talked to my sister before my husband about my gender issues and she's known my sexuality for years before my husband. Not fair idk, not fair to who? If it's fair to one, it's not fair to another. Just a matter of who you are more concerned with, I suppose.

 

I see it as creating a safety and support net. I wish my husband and I were the best of confidants, but we never really have been. I have about 6 people who know, and I trust each of them, and they are sensitive to the situation. Yes, I feel guilty about it, but this is something I'd like to work through to a certain extent before prematurely hurting my husband. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but I don't see the point in making him wade through my "figuring it out".

 

Fair? FAIR?

Crazy question...

Is it fair society has persecuted minorities and caused the t the very problems they bitch about.

Crazy question.

 

you need to do what you are most comfortable with. There is no right or wrong in this situation. You have no moral obligation one way or another.

 

I guess I'm not a great example, since we were already separated when I came out to her. I know a person who ended his marriage by coming out to his wife. I can only imagine the level of bravery that took. My wife was not the first person I came out to, it was a very good friend. He had been out since his late teens - he was also my best man. I told him, he said congratulations, and we resumed our conversation as if I pointed out some passing thing. Now, mind you, he was never a fan of my wife, so I"m sure he wasn't too alarmed that I didn't have a chance of getting back with her .

 

fair? maybe, maybe not. it is good to know that you have someone on your side if you think it's going to be tense when you tell your spouse.

 

My personal take on talking with my partner is this. I'll share anything and everything with her...but if I think what I'm going to share will be upsetting if expressed badly, then I damned well want to *understand* my feelings as well as possible before sharing them, and I want to think through how best to share them so as to express them *well*. Sometimes, that means talking with someone else for a bit first. Sometimes it involves talking to a few people first.

But if it ever reaches a point where your partner feels (even irrationally in the heat of shock) that they were the "last to know", then you've gone too far.

In summary...a person or two, even a small handful if necessary, is perfectly fair; even respectful. Much beyond that (or if the people you tell are not unlikely to share it with others), and you're starting to run into dangerous territory.

 

Wise words, indeed.

 

I think if you need to share this with someone and can't do so with your spouse, you are wise to talk to people you trust. So yes, I'd say do it.

 

I too ended a marriage by coming out. Thank you to the person who called that brave - I have hated myself for it for years. Had I opened up extensively to others first, they may have guided me toward a way of talking about my feelings instead of bottling them up and just leaving him.

Since then my perspective has been, a relationship is over when the other person tells me it's over. Probably not healthy but one of the aftereffects of my sledgehammer approach. :icon_sad::icon_sad:

 

Some good advice here. I came out to my therapist then wife a few weeks later. It could have gone better to put it mildly. Perhaps if I had spoken with a couple friends I would have been better prepared. Once you have told other people though you should probably plan to tell your spouse fairly soon as an extended delay could also be perceived as a negative.

 

Good afternoon Mellie,

Have to admit I am living vicariously through this post. I am out to myself and my therapist, that's it for now unfortunately. I would love to call friends and tell them my situation but can't right now, I would fear someone running their yap and my wife finding out through someone else. I hope to share this with a close friend soon who does not live locally and does not know her just so that I can also share with someone other than my therapist. I really don't think any of my friends will care, and if they do, shame on them.
I know how I would feel if one of my wife's friends were to tell me she was gay, without her telling me first.

Good luck with everything, I wish you well - John

 

Bummer, sorry to hear that Mellie. That took a lot of courage only to have a total BS reply. Of course this may have been the best your Mother could do at that moment and in time she will hopefully realize how to genuinely support you. On the bright side she didn't beat you and ship you off to the convent.

 

I came out to myself first, then to my therapist, then to a very close, wise, and trustworthy friend, and then to my husband, and then my mom, and then most of my friends. I don't have any regrets about the order in which I told people. Like others mentioned above, I really do think it was helpful, and not at alll disrespectful, for me understand myself reasonably well and have solid support before telling my husband.