Is It Really Cheating?

Yes it is. Why wouldn't this be considered cheating? Are you bound to hurt your husbands feelings if he found out you slept with another woman? Most likely yes. Are you planning on going behind your husbands back with women? If so then yes it's cheating. The only way it wouldn't be cheating is if your husband agreed to let you go explore your sexuality with other women. As long as the other person knows exactly what is going to happen and are okay with it then I don't consider that cheating. Cheating is going behind your lovers back thinking it's okay.

Hopefully this helped!

 

I was immediately reminded of the straight guys that think it's okay for their bisexual girlfriend to flirt with other girls, but not guys, when reading this post. Cheating is cheating, no matter the gender. That doesn't make you a bad person though, it just means you're really torn about all this. But I can't imagine how worried you are to be in this situation: it must be really tough. This kind of thing is something you'll have to work out on your own. It all depends on how you feel, because in this kind of thing, it's all about what you feel is best. I wish you the best of luck!(*hug*)

 

its cheating...BUT. I personally think that if you love him you have to consider what would help him the most, not yourself. Then if the answer is still "experiment with women" then it's still cheating but it's the lesser of two evils.

 

Gee...sex with another woman isn't really cheating? This infuriates me, honestly.

So I've been with another woman for 29 years, and our sex doesn't really count? Or if I was to have sex with a woman other than my partner, that wouldn't count?

Or is it that it doesn't count if the person you're having sex with is the opposite sex from your committed partner? So if I was to have sex with a man, that wouldn't count as cheating, since it's just exploration?

Cheating is defined as violating an agreement (and includes both explicit and implicit agreements). In our society, like it or not, *unless otherwise explicitly agreed upon* marriage and serious relationships carry with them, explicitly or implicitly, an agreement that you will not have sex with anyone else. Period. (Or do you now want to argue that two women can't *really* have sex?)

If you *honestly* believe that what you're doing with another person is well within the bounds of what you and your partner agreed (implicitly or explicitly), then go for it (though if you're wrong, there could be undesired consequences, but at least you're operating within your best understanding). If not, don't. And if you're not sure, or it seems close to the line to you, talk to them about it. What? You want to do something "on the line", but don't want to talk to your partner about it? That smacks of sneaking around, now doesn't it?

 

I chose "other". sex acts themselves are not cheating, it is keeping such acts from your spouse. If there is full disclosure before hand and your spouse is okay with the arrangements then no it is not cheating. If you hide it, or engage without telling him til later then yes, cheating.

Gender has absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

Seems to me that the question isn't so much whether you (or we) think it's cheating, but will HE consider it cheating and feel hurt by it. Suppose he came to you and said "I've been experimenting with guys". How would you react? Would you consider it cheating?

My wife and I were married for over 20 years. I never slept with anyone besides her that whole time. Two years ago I told her that I was gay and our marriage was over, although we stayed legally married for awhile to sort things out. 6 months after I told her that, I met a guy that I fell in love with and am still together with, and I was very honest with her about our relationship. In my mind it was OK because we had already agreed that our marriage was over, but she still considered it cheating and felt very hurt and angry because we were still legally married, and branded me a "cheater" for a long time after that. I didn't feel like I was cheating, but she did.

Maybe you need to ask yourself, if you're that certain emotionally that you're a lesbian, why try to be anything else? If you tried sex with women and didn't particularly like it, would you suddenly be satisfied emotionally with staying with a man, or would your emotions override any uncertainty you had with the sex? Speaking as someone who came out as gay with very minimal experience with sex with guys (like, one time, 30 years earlier, that ended before much of anything even happened), I didn't have any real fears that I wouldn't like sex with guys. I knew that emotionally I was about as gay as I could be, and I trusted that my emotions were true and sex with a guy wouldn't be a problem (and boy, was I right). I didn't need to experiment to know that what I felt in my heart and emotions was real.

Coming out to him will be hard for you to do and hard for him to deal with. Make sure whatever you decide, that you keep him in mind, because whether or not you're cheating isn't only something in your heart and mind. It's in his too.

 

I have to disagree with these folks that think you can just know without necessarily having sex whether or not you'll like sex with a particular person, let alone a whole type of people.

It seems very likely to me that one could only be romantically attracted to certain gender, or only be "kind of" sexually attracted to a certain gender. And if the answer is "only kind of attracted" then you might prefer to stay with a man sexually but have deep emotional friendships with women. Sex and romance don't necessarily pair. It's a bitch but there it is.

That being said, it's still cheating if he doesn't know and agree. (Per my post upthread.)

 

I'd consider that cheating regardless. If you really want to do that, maybe you could be open & mention it to him to know how he feels about that? I don't know, maybe he could understand.

 

It's amazing how many women are in the same boat!
All stories are so similar - how is it that we discover these things later on?
I am actually struggling with same dilemma, but I don't think I would want to explore with someone of no emotional ties. I was hit by this lava of feelings towards this woman for the first time ever.
My dilemma is that I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life without experiencing being with a woman. But at the same time I don't think I'll be able to be with someone without having strong romantic feelings.. This I think may be cheating, but It'll be sad not to experience her closeness..

 

It may be cheating, but it might be the confirmation you need. I don't think you can be sure of your orientation just by being attracted to someone - especially if you've been with the opposite gender your whole life. Also, if you were to cheat once - and then decide to stay with your husband - would he really want to know?
It really depends on the relationship that you two have - and what you feel is right/appropriate/necessary for you.

 

I am with you on this one..

 

When I made my decision to come out to myself after 19 years of marriage, I did not cheat prior to making the decision. Once I made the decision, I had a descussion with my x. We went through an interim period for about six months when I stayed at home before even calling lawyers to sort through the various going forward alternatives (we discussed even staying together). During this period, I did explore my sexuality and that did help me cement that my decision was the right one (and that divorcing was the right course of action). Now, I also must express, for full picture, I was sexually active prior to getting married with both sexes; so I did have some experience from back then. Although such experiences were both a long time prior, and at that age where I did not really know what I was doing.

 

My husband and I had this convo the other day. He has mentioned to me before about bringing another woman into the bedroom with us. For him it is all about the sex. I told
Him that for me it's not just about the sex. The emotional connection with a woman is what I desire and the physical intimacy would be a bonus. I told him flat out that I really desire to have a girlfriend and that the emotional intimacy is what I crave. I also told him that I feel this is cheating. He agreed. He did not consent to me having this emotional and or physical relationship with a woman, i.e. a girlfriend, And I respect his decision because I respect my marriage and him.

I think Chip's comment is pretty spot on. Be open with your partner. If they are not in agreement and you do it anyway, it is cheating.

And to comment about not really knowing if you will like being with someone of the same gender unless you try it out....I don't think that is necessarily true. It's not true for me. I fell in love with a woman before I ever fell in love with a man. Bc of society, upbringing, etc ( you know the drill) i never admitted to/accepted/acknowledged my feelings and I never had a physical relationship with her. But I know, to this day, that I would enjoy physical intimacy with her because I love her for who she is, I love her as a person...just as I love my husband. Maybe that is the bi side of me talking, but when I have an established emotional
connection with someone, male or female, the desire is there for me to be physically intimate with them, to be close to them---Bc I love them as a person. I would like it bc I love the person. For me I don't need to try things out to know.

 

I can only append: ...and if you do it *before* talking to your partner, that's cheating too.

 

Anything that falls outside of the agreed upon boundaries of your relationship is cheating.

I agree with previous poster in that gender doesn't matter, when people say that itisn't cheating if itswith a girl...that makes me angry because it completely disregards and invalidates any and all female- female relationships.

 

I pretty much agree with Chiroptera, 'cos you could complicate things even more.

Maybe it would help to think about how you'd feel if you discovered that your husband had sex (penetration or not, it doesn't matter*) with someone else (male or female, it doesn't matter), without your permission. I'm guessing that, even although you're not physically attracted to him, you'd still feel emotional pain of some sort.

He might never find out if you cheated, but you will probably feel guilty, and you might overestimate your ability to deal with it. I once tried to convince myself that I couldn't feel guilt, and it just manifested in self-destructive behaviour. Plus your husband might pick up on how you are feeling and/or behaving differently, especially if you've been together for a long time. Obviously I don't know him, but when I love someone; I want to understand them inside out, and I've usually been able to sense when a partner is trying to hide something, so I get confessions or written apologies, without asking.

With that said, you're in a difficult situation, and you probably have a serious discussion ahead of you, so good luck.

*You might find it amusing to know that my friends still tease me to this day, because I didn't know until last year, that oral sex counts as sex. DESPITE IT BEING RIGHT THERE IN THE TITLE, I thought it was just foreplay.