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Question for the women who have "switched teams" after being married to a man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. cate1515

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    I know this is a good question, and Ive read LOTS on this since Ive come out. Its an interesting topic, discovering whether a woman who comes out as a lesbian "later in life" has always been a lesbian and suppressed it, or whether they've actually made a transformation to their sexuality. Ive read tons of articles on the topic, how for a woman it does seem that it may be possible to make a full transformation from straight to bisexual or even lesbian.

    So, what Im wondering is how everyone here identifies with this. Do you feel you were always a lesbian and suppressed it, or do you feel you once were straight and made a transformation?

    For me, I believe I was always a lesbian. Looking back I may not have 100% realized it then, but I refused to even begin to acknowledge it. I always felt different even in 5th & 6th grade, listening to my friends talk about boys. I wasn't interested. I wasn't romantically attracted to girls either then, but I wasn't interested in talking about boys, and I felt different bc I was the only of my friends in middle school who didn't have crushes. I used to once in awhile join into the conversation and pretend I had a crush on someone, but honestly I was always embarrassed to talk about boys, I wasn't interested and I was embarrassed that I wasn't interested.

    I was not a tomboy, I am a professional dancer, (dance teacher now), and dance has always been a huge part of my life. Though I don't love wearing dresses or a ton of makeup I still consider myself a more girly-girl. Ive always loved working with kids. I used to devote myself to babysitting and assisting with the younger kids at the dance studio, to take up more time than dance already did so I wouldn't have to spend as much time hanging out with friends who just wanted to talk about boys, or worse face the fact that I didn't want to hang out with boys or have a boyfriend (this is my conclusion now, of course at the time it didn't make sense to me, but looking back I realize I really was trying to avoid the subject of boys altogether, and eating up my time babysitting and teaching dance made sense to me then but I realize now that's why I was so adamant about it.) I pretended I didn't have time for a boyfriend. I did have my first "boyfriend" when I was in 8th grade but it only lasted a few weeks I just wasn't into it so I pretended I didn't have time. I think I went along with it only so my friends wouldn't say anything, as I do remember I did from time to time get comments that I must be gay since I never had a boyfriend (and since I was thin and pretty that was unheard of). High school was worse, any "boyfriends' only lasted short times. I refused to acknowledge I was different. I think I started feeling like I wanted to snuggle with my friends who were girls, but that was as far as I allowed my thoughts to go. when I was a junior I lost it alotogether and became known as a slut, I started having sex and over the next year I was with a few different guys. I acted like I wanted to be slutty, talked about sex with guys all the time, and it seemed to work. Everyone believed I liked that, though I feel I was only doing all of that for the attention, both from the guys I was with and from my friends. This continued after I graduated, I was often very open about having sex with guys. When I was 22 I decided I desperately wanted a family (that's what I was supposed to do, right?) I did always want a child, so I settled down married my husband 1.5 years later and we had our son who is now 7 a year after that. Ive never felt attracted to my husband, though he is not bad looking at all. Im just not attracted. Ive never been into sex with him. In our 8 years of marriage, we've gone years without sex. I just put it off. Thinking back, I never REALLY wanted to have sex with any guy I just did it because I thought I was supposed to or for the attention.

    Anyhow, I met my best friend 3 years ago though we only became best friends a year ago. We one day realized we were in love with each other and that was that, we have the strongest bond ever. We love each other so much and its so amazing to truly want to be with the person you are with. The sex is amazing, and we have this amazing emotional bond. Though there has been a lot of turmoil over this (obviously our husbands finding out wasn't going to be easy) but it has still been overpowering and eye-opening on my entire life. Basically what I always thought in my life has been completely changed but Im happy with it. Though we aren't out completely, a few ppl know, Im still feeling like Im not living a lie anymore and a lot of my life and actions in the past make sense now.

    So im wondering, after my lengthy book I just wrote (lol) what do other woman in my place think? Were you always a lesbian or did you switch later on?
     
  2. rachael1954

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    I unfortunately don't know, and may never know.

    I always thought women were prettier, but is that because society tells me or because I feel that way? I played with matchboxes and climbed trees, but loved dressing up and played with dolls too. I feel uncomfortable usually talking with a group of women, but is it because of my general social unease or because I feel I'm looking at them in a sexual way? I was safe and married, and now I'm blown out of the water.

    The only thing I know about myself at this moment is that I am not straight.
     
  3. SnowshoeGeek

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    Hi,

    I am new to the site but I can speak a bit to your question. I have been married three times to men, but my earliest attractions were to women. I was very conscious of social approval in the 80s and the climate was less positive for being open then (though I don't use that as an excuse - I was afraid of being ostracized, pure and simple.) When I look at the balance of my experiences I see so much evidence of my interest in women, going back to younger years. But I also know that there was something forbidden and it's possible that I obsessed more because of that "unattainable" aspect.

    I don't know that I am answering your question. But I related to the subject because I have lived the vast amount of my life heterosexually. And still after all this time, I think, what would I feel if I could take out all of the social noise from my head and hear what is inside, from just me? Still working on that. :slight_smile:

    So, I don't fit the category you're inquiring about. At least, not yet. But reading your post made it easier to imagine giving it a shot.

    Thank you for your words.
     
    #3 SnowshoeGeek, Sep 14, 2015
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  4. SnowshoeGeek

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    Rachael,

    That statement really got me. Thank you. :slight_smile:
     
  5. CapColors

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    When my midlife hormones hit (and when I fell for a friend romantically) my hitherto incidental sexual interest in women became overt and consistent.

    For me, the experience was of a switch flipping. Although I can look back and think "I may have wanted her" about past friends here and there, my interest was never enough to be consciously felt until after my recent experience.

    Now women other than my friend (who I am in love with) also appeal sexually.

    So I'm in the category of having experienced a qualitative change in my sexuality---or at least a quantitative change large enough to feel qualitatively different.

    I feel strange admitting this because it sounds sort of insufficiently queer. But that's how I experienced it. And believe me, my head is pretty queer now, heh.
     
    #5 CapColors, Sep 14, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2015
  6. OnTheHighway

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    I apologize, but this is not a lesbian/woman specific issue. So I would like to add my views if you do not mind.

    When younger, I always knew I was different, thought I could control it, convinced myself I was bi and not gay. In retrospect, knowing what I know today, I was gay all along.

    I wish I had a resources back then to help me work through my sexuality. Someone to talk to. EC for the 80's so to speak. That might have really helped me identify with myself so much earlier in life.

    But then again, life is a journey. I feel very fortunate with the path I have taken. It might have taken me longer to accept myself and find out whom I really am. But along the way I have had some great experiences (including with my former wife), raised two wonderful kids, and as my partner now says - I have everything I could have ever wanted in life.

    Its all a journey.
     
  7. mellie

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    I always knew I was different. I definitely was/am a tomboy, but I am comfortable with my female body--I'm just now realizing the "problem" I've had the whole time, the reason why people were telling me, "You just can't be happy," is because I'm a lesbian and never allowed myself to see that. Looking back, I've always been a lesbian, I just never considered it as an option.
     
  8. CameronMR

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    I've never been straight, even before I knew gay was a thing. I thought I was bi, and now I know better.

    I, too, used to lie about having a crush on a boy, just so I could join the conversation. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. High Art

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    This is a topic I have been going over in my head - so thanks for bringing it up :slight_smile:
    This process of coming out to myself and a few friends has been a roller coaster, because at a point in my life, I was very enthusiastic about having sex with men. Looking back, I feel like there were a couple that I was genuinely sexually attracted to/connected to - but the rest of my experiences did not match up. I always felt something was missing.

    One of my early long term relationships with a guy was with my best friend at the time. I even remember then knowing I was not sexually attracted to him - I manufactured my sexual interest in order to be with him because I cared about him so much. Other sexual experiences were similar - either a game, or me creating the attraction for myself - fantasizing about other things (women) and focusing on the friendship. Any physical draw felt affectionate or sometimes maternal (weird, I know).

    The other thing that I believe had a huge influence on me was the way boys were discussed from the time I was 4 or 5 years old. I was embarrassed to be friends with boys b/c my mother and other family, friends etc. would tease me like crazy if I was hanging out with a boy. So I stopped being friends with boys in order to avoid being teased. From that point on - I knew that if I was friends with a boy/liked a boy in any way - that meant I wanted him to be my boyfriend/ I wanted to be "more than friends". I think this is the biggest thing that screwed me up. I didn't believe I could be friends with guys, so when I was - I usually ended up either dating them or sleeping with them.

    This is where the concept of fluidity comes in. If I were to self-evaluate my sexuality, I would say I am mostly gay (4-5 kinsey) but was highly fluid. Able to use my imagination, the belief that women and men can't be just friends, and my affection for someone to have sexual relationship- and dismiss the parts of sex that I did not enjoy. Now that I am aware of this - I don't know if I can go back - I don't know if my fluidity will "work" so to speak now that I have outed myself (to myself).

    This post is really long... so I'll leave it at that... still working through it!!
     
  10. CapColors

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    These posts are fascinating!
     
  11. AllThingsBright

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    Some observations and scattered thoughts: What if we thought about sexuality and gender in something other than exclusive terms? It is the "Insufficiently queer" comment that brought this to mind. I get that people want--need--a social and cultural tribe to belong to, as well as needing some way to define themselves; "gay" and "lesbian" descriptors give us a way to identify ourselves as part of the group. But it sounds to me that those labels also create unnecessary barriers and divisions and cause personal dissonance. In any human endeavor, things are rarely so black and white.

    Why look back and say "was I a lesbian all that time?" You were who you were. Your friends were your friends. Why the need to label the relationships retroactively? The person you are now has changed and grown in the meantime. If you like who that person is now, go with that.

    edited to add: I was married to a man for thirty years, and we both knew going into it that I was not a Stepford wife. The phrase "We grew apart" just has its own set of meanings for us, and yes, sexuality was a part of that.

    I've always been different, too--I'm certain that's a familiar story on these boards. I have tried never to label myself to others because it just complicates things and it just doesn't fit. I'm somewhere under the rainbow--that's as specific as I get--for now at least.
     
    #11 AllThingsBright, Sep 14, 2015
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  12. CameronMR

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    All of us being different, makes us not so different after all.

    :icon_wink(*hug*)
     
  13. yeehaw

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    Looking back I can see that I was always gay, I just didn't allow myself to see it. I blamed most of my "differentness" on the fact that i have a fairly substantial history of sexual trauma. (And I also thought I was just "wierd" in was i did not like.) Mostly I thought I was broken from sexual trauma--I thought that was i didn't have crushes on men, and why my relationships with men (including my marriage to a man) were so different and so very very short (in all cases except my marriage). I thought that the reason I had to MAKE myself learn to have sex with with men (even though it felt forced and unatural and I only wanted to learn so I could be closer to "normal") was my trauma history--and certainly my trauma history did affect how I reacted to men in ways not related to being gay, but I always had the feeling that my history and how I reacted to sex with men didn't "add up"--my explanation for myself was that I must just be a tremendous overreactor.

    And about the crushes--I totally always had crushes on women, but I didn't see them as crushes--I thought I had wierd and unpredictable and inconsistent social anxiety with only some people (who happened to all be women) with some straight up wierdness mixed in. I remember being in a very small room with a coworker and thinking to myself "why the hell do you want to LOOK AT HER NECK, that is so wierd" and forcing myself to not look at her neck while berating myself for being wierd. I also have always had to remind myself not to look at women's butts, thighs, and bellies. I've never once had to remind myself not to look at men's butts, thighs or bellies--I never wanted to. Anyway, once the light finally came on, AT AGE 39, I suddenly felt waaaay less broken and weird and so many things about my life finally made sense. I now feel gay, and that us soooooo much better than feeling broken and weird.
     
    #13 yeehaw, Sep 14, 2015
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  14. FoxSong

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    Hey Yeehaw :slight_smile:

    Yeah, I can totally get this. I have a similar history of sexual trauma and it's manifested in interestingly similar ways. I used to have very few female friends, always felt uncomfortable around women (even though I labelled myself bisexual! lol) and assumed my feelings (or lack thereof) in relation to men were based on that history and conditioning. Weirdly, I've always had an easier time being friends with men. And when those friendships have developed into relationships, I've just kind of gone along with that. Any feelings of discomfort or 'not being into it' I had pegged as the result of childhood issues.

    Since coming out as gay I far prefer the company of women. There are few male friends in my life. Perhaps that will shift with time, who knows.

    OP, to get back to your question: I think I've probably always been gay but with the capacity to enjoy sleeping with men on a purely physical level. Just not on a romantic one. It's a different ball-game by far with a woman.
     
    #14 FoxSong, Sep 15, 2015
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  15. MsAnchor

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    I don't know if i switched teams or i go for a specific team at all.
    I was sett up really young into an arranged marriage, an immature 19 year old at that time. Never have dated or though of it and in a pretty homophobic environment.
    I don't remember ever thinking that there s another direction to my life except that; married off and start a family and get along with my husband.
    Early on I was curious but not really sexually attracted and after a while accepted that i was either frigid or lacking in sexual urges. I am not sure if it was being with someone unsuitable in personality or gender but then i always had huge crushes on women but ignored the indications to sexual questioning.
    Now 12 years on after having one romantic semi-physical affair with a woman and no attraction whatsoever to men I wonder if it's the stuck in a marriage situation itself that has shut me off men and made me more inclined towards women or if i was programmed this way.
    This confusion has put me through torture till I started to come to make peace with not labeling myself and taking it one day at a time with one hope; to have a beautiful soul become my significant other and be perfect fit to me
     
  16. 8787

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    While at the beginning of my realization of being gay I told myself "it is not really important to know an answer to that question", I now start thinking differently. To be honest the more I accept being gay, I really question my sanity of not knowing/realizing being lesbian way earlier. :slight_smile: When did I start lying to myself?? And why? I didn't grow up in an homophobic environment and also my coming out the last weeks has been great. Everyone was supportive.

    Looking back now there has been definetly some unease being with girls or female friends, esp. when it came to platonic hugging, touches, etc. And except from one long term relationship with a man (now 7 years ago) I could never connect with guys romantically. On the other hand I kept my heterosexual life going the past years with one-night-stands (some good, most bad). So, no one ever asked questions (including me until recently)..

    So I am really wondering why I never even considered myself to be gay? The thought honestly had never crossed my mind until maybe one year ago. And I would say that I haven't surpressed it due to the fear of non-acceptance from my family and friends (not saying of course that the coming-out would have been easy!). Someone has any reflections or experiences on that topic? Was it maybe just the fact that I haven't known LGBT people when I was younger?
     
  17. CameronMR

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    I didn't even know there was a word for people attracted to the same sex, or that it was even a thing until I was about 16. however, I had been with women sexually before this so I just thought I was straight. I always had to force attraction with men. I would love their personality, or other things about them, but the sexual attraction was just not there.
     
  18. AllThingsBright

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    There are many many similarities in our stories. It is so reassuring to know that I am not the only person to feel this way. Thanks for sharing it.
     
  19. Thirdtimecharm

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    I was born into a Catholic family. I had rules...a road map to follow for my life. Went to Catholic school most of my life, and learned very early that sexual feelings of any kind were for marriage and marriage only. I naively believed/accepted this and lived my life according to these rules as I had the fear of God placed in me that any impure thoughts, well they just were not acceptable. Save yourself until marriage. School work first. Boys were in the peripheral for me. I had crushes on boys when I was younger, I can remember, as early as first grade. His blue eyes killed me every time he smiled. But when I was younger boys didn't like me. I didn't know why. I tried to be their friend...I had a hard time getting along with girls. I felt like I had to be someone they liked instead of who I was. I spent a lot time telling myself I was not good enough and ended up becoming anorexic and being proud of how little I ate and how skinny I was. But guess what, this still did not get the boys to like me. I became friends with some of the girls who were considered "different", unpopular...quirky. I guess I was considered to be in the same class. I developed strong feelings for a boy in middle school and these feelings for him followed me to high school. But then I met a female in high school who completely captured my soul. She was odd, and boyish, loved to play sports and didn't like makeup and didn't care what anyone else thought of here. I loved her attitude. I was drawn to her. I thought at first I had actually just found someone to be my best friend because I had wanted a best friend for soooo long but there was another level to how I felt about her. Butterflies. Horrible anxiety. Blushing. Wanting to impress her. Longing to be around her. Still I pushed it away as just finding someone finally I connected with. But then when we started spending time together we started opening up about personal things, things I had never talked to anyone else about. The flirting started, constant teasing....I had a hard time being separated from her. I remember one time we were together doing something for school which required us to physically be touching. I almost died. I can remember thinking, omg I am actually touching her. I never told anyone about this. But then my friend freaked out, pushed me away. Told me we grew really close too fast. She shut down. My heart was shattered. I had to spend weekly visits in my guidance counselor's office with her telling me that my behavior is very demonstrative of someone who is in love with someone...And then I freaked out. For someone to actually look at my situation and call me out. I then shut down. Over the next several years I pushed those feelings down into the furthest corner of my mind and moved forward. Met my now husband. Began my first real relationship, decided this was it, found my match, followed the rules and got married.

    But this friend of mine from high school has come in and out of my life for several years...decades...Every time she would come back into my life I would still feel butterflies, the connection, being drawn to her. It was a feeling I never ever had with my husband. And that actually makes me feel bad.

    Over two decades since i first started having these feelings towards her I finally have acknowledged what it was, the love I had for her. Now thinking back over my life I can recall having the thought back in high school "I cannot like her, I cannot like girls...if I like her, a girl, that would mean I am gay and then I would not get married and have kids...and that just cannot happen."

    And it didn't happen. And that makes me really sad right now. I regret those moments way back then because I didn't give those feelings a chance. Now being the wise almost 40 year old that I am :slight_smile:, and having finally accepted my attraction to woman....I wonder what would have happened if I did take that chance. Where I would be now...To be honest I label myself as a bisexual, but sometimes I think I may do so because I am married to a man and it seems to be the most logical label. I have never been with a woman openly, dated, been physically intimate, but the very few emotional connections I have had with women have been amazing and by far so much more fulfilling and exciting than any connections I have ever had with a man. I feel like an awful person saying that, being married for over a decade, and I love my husband but....well I will just leave it at but....
     
  20. SnowshoeGeek

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    Thank you so much for sharing this story about your high school friend. I had the exact thing with the same devastation. It really helps to hear that someone else experienced it. But I am also very sorry for your pain.