This morning I saw two lesbians with very obvious PDA in the tramstop. They were kissing and such.. I think they were pretty young and they looked sooo stereotypical (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone here). This is pretty unusual to see around here, I have to add. So first I couldn't look in their direction but when all of us got into the tram I started feeling happy and confused and angry in the same time. I felt like smiling but a few moments later I felt so frustrated. So angry. Like I could never have this. Like half of my life is a lie and for all the people around me I look straighter than an arrow (especially today with skirt and pink top, yay :icon_bigg) I don't know why I feel like I'm going to burst, I'm at work and cannot concentrate, feel like I'm going to explode... Those two girls were like ten years younger than me. And they looked so happy. And that's good I guess, and I'm happy for them, I just feel I'm gonna lose it soon. Looking in the mirror and asking who is this...
Try not to focus on their age, thats not the important part. What is interesting, is how their happiness made you feel. Regardless of it making you happy or angry, it provoked a reaction. And that reaction seems to be a key for you to follow. I would suggest you embrace it! You see them happy, and you want to be happy. What will make you happy?
I think I'm in the phase where I am still afraid to let go to be able to answer this question. It makes a lot of sense what you've written, but I still have this internal fight between what my image of myself was/is and my desires. And they don't match yet. I remember that line from Vanilla sky - "what is happyness to you, David?" I've seen it a few months ago and also couldn't answer the question. Now, when I'm trying to answer it there is this huge resistance, almost like a fear to even think about it. Though there are moments when I get a small insight about what it could be, but lately there is too much anxiety and resistance that I cannot see clearly...
How about this as an approach. Come up with two scenarios. What would make you happy under the current image of yourself; and, hypothetically, what would make you happy based on your perceived desires? Then compare the two? No need to make any decisions on anything, just look at the possibilities.
When I see that here, I feel sick to my stomach with envy. I'm giving myself about 3 weeks to come out...
TeaTree, I get where you are at. I'm also afraid of coming out - changing my "image" so to speak - and losing the relationship with my husband. He and I are getting along well these days - I love him - I just don't want to have sex with him. But the rest feels the same, so at times I feel like I am crazy, like maybe this isn't true - Yet everyday I at least have one moment (long moment) where i desperately want to be living authentically. For example - last night I was out for dinner with my husband and my parents. We were having a really great time - I was genuinely enjoying their company - but I wished that I could have been enjoying their company as an out gay woman. The waitress was really cute - and the presence of her was this constant reminder that I have a secret. It was bitter-sweet.
TeaTree, I used to feel the same way whenever I'd see two women together. I felt sick to my stomach, I was angry and envious because I wanted to be in their position. Not only that, I also felt A LOT of resentment towards my partner at the time, which was completely unfair, I know. Mind you, this was after I came out to my family and friends, and they were supportive, so I could never understand why I felt the way that I did. I knew that I was living a lie, but I was so afraid of letting go just like you said. Letting go seems to be one of the hardest things to do, but it does get easier. There's no rush to figure everything out, so take baby steps if you have to just as long as you embrace your feelings. Don't try to hide or deny them because you deserve to have what your heart truly desires.
uh huh. Im scared also, of going to therapy and being told im wrong and am just crazy. I dont.now how to say it without being offensive, I dont think, but I tend to get almost jealous of my lesbian friends or genderqueer friends thinking to myself "why them?" Type stuff. But also, the thought of not having my family scares me and currently I feel I'd rather live this lie then be without them or the comfort of what im used to, we have been together since we were kids, grew up together basically (oddly, my husband works a job that sends him off for periods at a time and I always feel such weightlessnes, but yet still anticipate his coming home. ) These stinking threads always make me cry, wtf!
That's an interesting approach to try to visualize. Well, first off, I cannot see myself happy under my current image. And I know that. I tried that. I tried imagining myself in so many different scenarios, continuing the same way, even without my boyfriend but alone, I just cannot see myself happy without exploring my desires. But I cannot imagine myself exploring my desires, I mean I can, for moments, and it is above amazing, but then some kind of panic kicks in, and I'm trying to deal with this now. Like the fear of the new is so huge that it doesn't let you see the possible outcomes, and have this feeling that something horrible will happen. I think it's all about letting go. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 12:38 AM ---------- Wow, you sound very determined about this ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 12:40 AM ---------- I'm sorry about this, hope it will get you somewhere, I think crying is very healthy (though maybe not on the bathroom floor at work as I do it lately :icon_bigg ) ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 12:50 AM ---------- This is not nice from me to say and I actually feel bad about feeling this way (jeez), but I was soooo angry of the fact that they were/ looked like these very stereotypical lesbians, you would recognize from the moon. I really hope no one would hate me for saying this, I haven't got anything with anyone, but sometimes I feel like it's just more difficult to us who are not so obvious, because of the fact that even for ourselves it wasn't so obvious that we were gay. And I had that feeling that they have somehow a better chance to be happy, than I have/ had, earlier in life even. And I know half of what I said here is oversimplification. I suppose they went through some shit I never actually had the courage to face. Probably. Only they were pushed somehow harder to face themselves earlier because had no choice, I guess. So every story is different, and all of them have their ups and downs and beauty and pain. Just needed to vent about this a little ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 12:55 AM ---------- I feel you. At the beginning when I was coming out to myself I was so happy, like there is no heavy load on me anymore, life if beautiful, now I get it, I get everything. After a while I started feeling the heavy load again - and this time maybe even heavier, because now is conscious. I always considered that I'm a bad liar, I could only lie perfectly when I was believing the lie as well. Hm, now I don't believe the lie anymore so it's getting more and more difficult.
The comment about at first feeling free and light only to later feel the weight again is very astute. My experience was a bit different in that once I came to the realization I wondered what the hell the next step was. Now when I see others who are out, or enjoying being with a partner I also may feel jealous but more because they seem to have it figured out. Then I get the feeling that I'm a fool for taking so long to make what seems like so little progress.
Wow. That statement there made me do a double take. Maybe that is why at times, with family or friends, I feel like I am suffocating. Because now, after 20 years, or so, I can't believe what I had forced myself to for so long. Sometimes it can get exhausting holding up this mask for so long.
There have been a lot of days lately when I can completely relate to the feeling like I'm going to explode. Never know exactly what is going to set me off. All I can say is that you should give yourself time and be patient and loving with yourself. If anything, that's what this particular experience in my life has taught me. Things will work out with time. It's natural to want them to work out sooner rather than later, but time seems to make things better. It's good to have a better understanding of yourself before a relationship anyway. Hang in there.
Thanks for this, yeah, I feel I'm somewhere there. That, when I don't let myself get drawn into some stupid negative thinking spiral. Working on the letting go part though, I really feel like there is the key
Hello, It sounds like a very acute agony and I can relate to it very much. I hope it transforms into determination... A situation recently that put me into a similar tailspin was when talking with my mom on the phone. She has never been someone who supported my unconventional aspects. She told me the granddaughter of a very old family friend came out as lesbian, met a girl in another city and was going off to college to be with her there. My mother sounded happy. She said it was nice to know they'd be "safe" which I gather meant safe from persecution. (Is anyone ever safe?) I felt rage at her, wondering where was the support when I was young? And if it was fear for my safety, why ask me to hide who I am to protect myself? Anyway... like all of us I guess we are in a difficult process. And we have each other. Hang in there!!!(*hug*)
Hello TeaTree. After reading your posts I wanted to share just a few small maxims with you. This is your journey so don't feel pressured to do it that way or this. Please be patient with yourself as you move forward, remembering that it will get better and better. Sending you love and light as you choose "to take the leap" and be free.
I think I would react the same way you did, TeaTree. I am out to everyone as bi but I ave yet to experience a real relationship with a woman. And how I long for one. I feel incomplete and I feel that the love of a woman would make me feel so much.. I just know it. I still hold out hope that one day I will know what it feels like to have a loving woman in my life. And, if that's what you want, I hope that that happens for you too. And, some day very soon. (*hug*)
