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Censoring yourself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

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    Since I've finally started being honest with myself about my orientation, I'm starting to realize how exhausting the mental gymnastics I go through have been. I have been censoring my own thoughts for ages.
    Am I a freak, or does anyone else do this? I basically have filtered my own thoughts, so that when I see a beautiful woman, and my mind "goes there", I shut it down, and sort of push that thought away.

    Today I've decided it's time for me to allow my thoughts to linger in that sweet space a little bit when I interact with women as I go about my day. It's both very lovely and unnerving. It's sort of unraveling this false world I've built up over a long time, and I'm just shocked at how much of my own natural normal feelings I've been completely washing away.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Sep 14, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2015
  2. mellie

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    Yes. When you open your mind, everything becomes possible. It's both unnerving and liberating. I don't know about you, but I feel like a completely different person lately.
     
  3. looking for me

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    Ahh been there for decades. more open in my mind now, still a work in progress though re: expression.
     
  4. baristajedi

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    Yes I do, My feelings are all over the place honestly. I am just starting out on this whole process of coming out to myself though, so I am mostly overwhelmed at this point.
     
  5. High Art

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    I completely relate. I had been pushing things aside for so long, convincing myself (without knowing that I was convincing myself) that my sexual thoughts toward women were based on media influence, or it was just some kind of fake fantasy - nothing to do with my orientation. Now that I've accepted that I actually am attracted to women, I let myself have those thoughts - and I realize how much of my sexuality I've been shutting down all these years. I had gradually lost interest in sex - I thought my sex drive was gone - but it's definitely not! I was just suppressing it.
     
  6. KyleD

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    When I came out to myself it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I started to see the world through a totally different pair of eyes. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Zen fix

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    I appreciate your description here. I also use the phrase "push away" rather than "denial" or "bottling up." Feels more accurate. Glad you are finding a nice new positive mental space to enjoy your interactions.
     
  8. IrishJ

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    Enjoy the open mind. I also have pushed away the acceptance of self, blocking out same sex attraction, denying a large part of who I am. Someday soon I hope to be able to come out to family/friends, currently working on coming out to myself first. It was such a relief to say the words "I'm Gay," for the first time. Not quite ready to rock the rest of my world yet, all in good time.
     
  9. Beebop

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    It really is like letting the flood gates open, isn't it? Sort of like a second puberty, complete with all the awkward mishaps, lol.
    About a year ago I was on my way to work, when an extremely attractive woman (who was wearing clothes to show off her attractiveness) crossed my path. I don't know what got into me, but my instant reaction was to curse out loud in approval. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't believe I was capable of reacting that way. I detest when men do it and now look at me, acting no better. I couldn't even make myself look away, despite my brain shouting "what the hell is wrong you--stop it!" Surprisingly, she had the biggest, devilish smile on her face and started checking me out for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't know what to make of the experience, but decided to watch myself in the future.

    I think the story above shows that I could be less expressive. That was really embarrassing.
     
  10. High Art

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    :lol:
    That's so funny. Similar happened to me a few weeks ago at a pub. The waitress was this curvy tough girly girl in a mini kilt and low cut top. She came to take our order, and I was so distracted by her body, that I couldn't remember the conversation I was having with my straight girlfriend... I felt like a teenage boy. Super embarrassing.:icon_redf
     
  11. Moonflower

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    I absolutely know what you're talking about. It is a completely different experience to be able to go through life now understanding what is going in your own mind! Enjoy it.

    I detest when men do it and now look at me, acting no better.

    I think you hit the nail on the head here, Tigre, and your screen name is appropriate to what I'm gong to say here. As young girls and women we were not taught to be the pursuer or to act like one. Men were pursuers, we were the pursued. Now, two things are happening: one, we're finally freeing ourselves to look at other women and two, by looking, we are sensing the power of being in pursuit-rather than just admiring attractiveness-something most women have never had before. That's the power you were feeling. I never thought about how detestable it is that I was doing the same thing I and every other woman here who's had it done to her hates as well-being objectified by a man's gaze.
    Hmmm. But I wonder if we get away with a little more because we are female and unless she's lesbian or bi-the object of the gaze probably has no idea what's going on and probably thinks a) what the hell is wrong with her? b) gets uncomfortable---we may have already sent women to the restroom looking for something wrong with makeup or clothing.
    I don't think that prior to looking for that sort of thing myself now I would have even acknowledged the gaze. Truth is, sadly, lesbians could have been looking me over for years and I've just been going about my day in my little traveling closet, thinking maybe I had a stain on my shirt. Sad, really.
     
  12. yeehaw

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    I for sure have experienced this. And at times I find it overwhelming and shut it down again. And yes to awkward mishaps. I totally got caught checking out boobs recently. It happened so fast! I think she noticed I was doing at the same time I did. We pretended it didn't happen and I wanted to shrink and disappear.
     
  13. Really

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    @Moonflower: "...going about my day in my little travelling closet..." Priceless.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Being open feels better today than yesterday. Still a little scary to me, but it feels natural and right at the same time. Like a few of you said, I've shut down my sexuality a lot, suppressed the idea that I am a sexual person. Being bi, I have enjoyed being with men, but I have never really been myself even in that capacity. I've just never really been the full me, and it's shocking to realise I have this whole side of me that I've never really fully felt. I feel like I'm waking up. It's empowering and overpowering at the same time.
     
  15. SnowshoeGeek

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    My thoughts exactly!!
     
  16. Thelyingleo

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    Totally relate as well!!
     
  17. Moonflower

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    :icon_bigg