Last week my brother got engaged to his girlfriend of two years and although I am happy for him I can't help feeling jealous. I've only been in a short relationship once with the opposite sex and it was an awful experience having to force myself to be intimate. Everyone is so happy about their relationship especially my parents who are in denial of the fact that I'm gay. I am not looking forward to the wedding and having to see relatives again. My brother has been totally accepting of me being gay but when he gets married he will have even less time for me than the little time he currently does. Outside my parents and brother no one knows that I'm gay so relatives and friends are bound to ask me retarded questions which will make me even more depressed at the wedding. Any advice on how to navigate this awkward situation?
Rather than being jealous, try and embrace it! It sounds like you and your brother have a great relationship. Will you spend less time, most likely; but will you have a broader family life to be able to participate in and enjoy - absolutely! Rather than looking at the glass half empty; try and look at it half full
Jealousy will just leave you empty and filled with regrets. Be the awesome brother and celebrate his life moment with your best foot forward. We all have different paths, some are not so obvious, stay positive. Not sure what a retarded question is? You can handle this. Chin up.
I think feeling jealous is understandable -- and acknowledging it might help break it down a little and allow you to articulate the things you find frustrating about your own situation right now. Actually, I think you already did that in your post -- you want a fulfilling intimate relationship like the one he has apparently found, but that has so far eluded you. You also expressed some fear of losing him as a close confidante. Those are very understandable feelings. It seems, however, that your brother himself didn't do anything to deserve a jealous or negative response from you, so for the sake of your good relationship, be happy for him! You would want the same kind of support from him if the situation was reversed. The awkward questions that relatives are bound to ask are faced by everyone -- gay and straight. Know that they probably ask those questions because they don't know what else to say. Most people are bad at conversation and fall back on cliched topics in forced social situations.
Allow yourself to have all of the feelings that you have and will have around your brother getting married. Invite them even. It is OK that they are there. Give them a safe place to roost within you. Some of them will not feel good. Honor them and allow them anyway. And then think hard about what is most important to you and behave in a way that keeps you and your life moving in a sane and meaningful direction (with all of your feelings in tow). You can feel jealous and insecure AND celebrate his marriage and support him and love him as he makes this major life transition. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 01:09 AM ---------- Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings that you are currently having about your brother's wedding and that you will have her brother's wedding. It's okay that they are there. Invite them even. Honor them and give them a safe place to roost within you. Some of them will not feel good. Allow them anyway. And then think really hard about what is most important to you and behave in ways that keeps your life moving in sane and meaningful directions (with all of your feelings in tow). You can feel jealous and insecure AND love and support your brother throigh this major transotion. Conduct yourself in was that you can feel proud of, and in ways that keep you connected to people you care about in whatever ways those connections are possible and do it WITH all of the feelings that arise.
That is true, I will try. I am sure they will be asking me if there is a special girl in my life and when I'm going to get married. I'm just tired of answering these questions from relatives and friends. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 07:50 AM ---------- Yes, you have summarized it very well. I know he doesn't deserve a jealous response so I'm trying to hide it as best as I can. The problem is that outside my family no one knows that I'm gay so I have to in essence pretend to be someone I'm not and that is a bit exhausting to continue to do. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 07:52 AM ---------- Thank you for that. I will try to reconcile these conflicting feelings as best as possible. It is not easy but I will have to do my best.
I'm sure people won't be too bothered about your love life at the wedding - they'll be more focused on your brother and his partner's marriage. So don't go feeling that you'll be the center of attention. Try to focus on your brother's happiness rather than your own unhappiness. If people do ask "so when are you gonna meet someone and get married then?" you could be blunt and say "I'm here to celebrate my brother's union with his wife, not to discuss my love life." If they get offended by you saying that, it's their problem.
KyleD, I feel your pain, I really do. When my brother got married, I was marred with a touch of jealousy. At that time I had broken up with my last girlfriend, knew I was gay but wasn't out to anyone, any very much wanted to avoid any questions about "when are you getting married?" because I know if I did it would be to a guy, and I very much wanted to avoid having that conversation. The obvious answer for what you should do is for you to slowly work toward coming out, but I know life is so much more difficult than that. If someone asks you "so when are you getting married?" you can dodge it innocently enough with "oh I just haven't found the right person." Vague though it is, at least you're not lying. As Nice Dave said, try to focus on your brother's happiness. Use their happiness and other couples around you as a springboard to try and be happy yourself. Let their happiness and positive vibes "infect" your soul
As hard as it may seem at the min just try and bite you tongue for now with the relations. If you're a full gay man in the long run you will be a far happier person coming to terms with being gay and embracing it although it will take time and there will be up's and down's, would you really want to follow your brothers footsteps and get married and potentially have a child and be some what miserable as hell for the next 30 yrs being someone you're not just because it's the normal or it's what you think your relations will think you should be? Good luck with the situation with relatives, I hope it goes well for you
I am trying to focus on my brother's happiness as much as possible but that is very difficult. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 11:53 AM ---------- I like your response to the "when are you getting married?" question. I think I'll use it, thanks. ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 12:01 PM ---------- I don't want to follow in my brother's footsteps because I'm comfortable with being gay. I just want to be myself which is to be honest and true about who I am and not having to censor myself when out in public.
