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first therapy appt is tomorrow

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ebda30, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. ebda30

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    I am absolutely terrified.

    Why am I so scared that i'm going to be told i'm not actually gay/bi or whatever or I dont know anything about my gender or something similar.

    ...sooo scared right now.
     
  2. High Art

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    I know how you feel!! Just remember no one can tell you who you are. Hopefully your appointment provides you with some relief.
    I think your fear of being told you are not actually gay or bi is a sign that you probably are. Sometimes our reactions can tell us something about ourselves.

    Anyhoo - not trying to over complicate! I think it's great you are taking this step. I am glad I sought out a counselor to help me sort all of this out. No regrets :slight_smile:
     
  3. IrishJ

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    Good for you!

    Had a therapist tell me 25 years ago that I could not be gay because I had not acted on impulses.

    25 years later, fantastic therapist, helping me to pull my life together, find my voice. I cannot tell you how scarey and empowering it was to admit to her that I was gay. I felt the world fall away from my shoulders.

    Know one can tell you what you are or are not. Just be yourself. If you are lucky enough to find the right therapist and you are ready to do whatever work you need/feel like is necessary, good luck to you.

    Wishing you nothing but happiness. J
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)I was scared to death to go to therapy but I picked one that I would feel comfortable talking to about my issues of sexuality. I chose a LGBT friendly therapist who is gay herself and she has been amazing and therapy has been a freeing experience. The first time I talked about being in love with a woman, I whispered it and cried. She made me repeat it. And I did. Many times. Each session began to become more and more freeing. I felt a weight lifted off me as I began to talk freely about how I felt, who I have loved, and not loved...and about what I want in life. The most important thing to remember is to be honest. U are not in therapy to be judged but to process what you have been feeling and going through. Believe me it is a worthwhile experience. Just be you....
     
  5. go figure

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    I'm so happy for you. It's definitely scary the first few times, but it does help if you have found a good one!!

    :thumbsup::thumbsup:(!)(!):thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  6. crazydog15

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    Couldn't agree more. It may be really painful, but try to fully vocalize what you're thinking or going through. It might also be messy at times, but who you are is who you are.
     
  7. ebda30

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    Thanks guys, I was able to sort thru a lot previously in therapy, but never for these issues. Going from never talking about them, to saying some things on the internet to talking to a complete stranger about all this is so overwhelming.

    I know its not a judgmental thing but I drill think God, she's going to think i'm nuts. She deals with LGBTQ issues, so I hope its positive
     
  8. CameronMR

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    Good luck!!
     
  9. ebda30

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    Wasnt exactly what I was expecting, more exactly what I was afraid of, I guess, in a way. Besides the fact that im jist Hella fucked up, she says I have no sense of autonomy, at all.and until I gain that, trying to figure out my sexuality is going to be very difficult. She said baby steps, gave me homework, and I go back next week.

    I know its not how therapy works, but I was very much hoping day 1 she'd tell me whether I was gay or not and how I can make this work with my husband. But its more like, im having to figure out how to be a sovial person, talk to people,earn to have friends, figure out my marriage and she said its going to be even more difficult unless my husband agrees that in the future when I have a secure sense of self, to allow us to have a somewhat open marriage to explore "that part" of me.

    Husband and I are terrified and cried half the night together....this opening up a lot of things that I have either chosen to ignore or disnt realize were an issue til they were too late.
     
  10. Thirdtimecharm

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    I totally feel for you. I was also told that I had no sense of autonomy as well and that I defined myself so much based on my relationships with other people, their needs, what others thought and said...I know how scary, hard and almost traumatic it can be. Starting to go is a good first step. A lot of people don't even make it that far. I know for me it's so upsetting dealing with the unknown. I just want someone to tell me something, give me a reason, define/label it and be done with it. The process of discovery for me makes me anxious and a nervous wreck. You're at the beginning of your self discovery process. You're brave to meet with a therapist and be honest. Believe me when you finally get everything out, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off of you and it will be easier to move forward with whatever path you chose.
     
  11. ebda30

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    Exactly the bolded. Is what I wanted. I hope.it helps eventually the unknown makes me nauseated ans anxious as hell, im having to step WAY outside what.i see as my comfort level and that scares me, entirely.
     
  12. Thirdtimecharm

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    Being pushed outside of our comfort zone is an opportunity for growth and discovery (or acknowledgment of truth, our truth). I wanted to throw up my first session with my the therapist. I told her the three things I needed to work on, and one was dealing with my relationship and my feelings for my best friend. We talked and she asked me if feelings I was talking about being in love with her and my stomach hit the floor. I looked like a deer in headlights and thought am I going to admit to admit to this to a stranger? I said yes, I was in love with her....and the world did not implode. I did not have a heart attack and die (which I thought would happen...) and I was able to move forward. Forward to two years later and I have slowly gone from admitting that I was in love with my best friend, but stating she was the only female I ever had feelings for, to not only admitting but embracing that I am attracted to females, I love the connections I have had with females, and that I could totally see myself in a relationship with another woman and in fact I would LOVE it. I have had a stronger emotional and physical response to women than I have ever had to men---if that makes me bi or gay, i have gotten to the point I honestly don't care. It makes me me. And I am good with me :slight_smile:
     
  13. bi2me

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    I'm not in therapy, but I've been actively moving toward points of interested discomfort in my life and trying to figure out why they make me uncomfortable and if I need to explore the area more.
     
  14. confused04

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    YES, times infinity :boohoo Except that when my therapist DID bring up if I was gay, I totally freaked out...so...I hate everything.
    How did you get to the realization that at first you only thought you loved this one friend (where I am maybe at), to realizing you were attracted to other females? I don't walk down the street an think "oh, she's cute!!" I do sort of do that with males, notice their attractiveness, though it never means I want to date or have any sexual attraction towards them. At least I am so shut down, I don't know. I feel as if I will never figure it out.
     
  15. ebda30

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    I kind of wish I had that issue, ive never had a girl have feelings for me :frowning2: and the only girl I had feelings FOR I didnt realize til more than a decade later. :frowning2:


    Might.help.if I had friends, in general lol.
     
    #15 ebda30, Sep 16, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2015
  16. bi2me

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    Making more friends is definitely something you can actively work on. I've been doing that myself. I also realized that I categorize almost everyone I know as an acquaintance unless I'm really close with the person... I don't think everyone does this. Feedback?
     
  17. ebda30

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    I do that too, not sure if its normal or nor
     
  18. Thirdtimecharm

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    How did you get to the realization that at first you only thought you loved this one friend (where I am maybe at), to realizing you were attracted to other females? I don't walk down the street an think "oh, she's cute!!" I do sort of do that with males, notice their attractiveness, though it never means I want to date or have any sexual attraction towards them. At least I am so shut down, I don't know. I feel as if I will never figure it out.[/QUOTE]

    I came to the realization that I was actually attracted to other females when I allowed myself to enjoy these thoughts I began to have and feelings I began to have during a short lived connection I had with someone. The connection was online, and then extended to long talks on the phone.

    To kinda explain, I had spent so much of my life restricted....told that feelings outside of loving the man that I was going to marry were not acceptable, I had become a very closed and uptight "good" little Catholic girl....to everyone else. Truth was that the years of my repressing my sexual desires, any sexual feelings, started to creep up on me and I was not able to dismiss them anymore. I slowly started to explore things on my own, literature, movies and then I began to write alot. It was my outlet. I allowed myself to be me, around me only. Everyone used to give me such a hard time because I was the girl who didn't swear, who blushed when sex was talked about, who didn't partake in "dirty" conversations with others. During this time I was friends with "the friend", truly my first love, and I had to have some outlet to deal with her. I would write in my diary that I had feelings for her and if I had to, absolutely was made to sleep with one girl in my life I would pick her---some how this justified my feelings for her in my mind. My mom noticed my extreme connection with this friend (to this day I think my mom knew I loved her) and we had discussed it because I was worried. I never felt like this towards a boy before, and it was like having a best friend but ten levels more. I couldn't get enough of her. My dear mom told me that we could possibly fall in love with peoples personalities, irregardless of gender. My sweet mom. I think she was trying to divert me down a different path or ignoring the truth just as much as I was. So with this I pretty much convinced myself, I fell in love with my friend's personality, yea that was it, lets go with that. I am soooo not a lesbian.

    But then I got into my twenties and I began to fell these extreme pull towards any lesbian woman I met. They were like the unicorn to me (growing up in the Catholic, suburb environment I grew up in, there was not a lot of diversity and not alot of openly gay people). My husband I had a group of friends and there was a lesbian couple and I was obsessed with them...I wanted to hang out with them, be near them, ask questions, just be in their presence. Had no idea why....(yea right...).

    I got married and then had kids. So I told myself Ok, hetero, nice, marriage and kids. Good Job! Followed the rules. BUT, and this was a big BUT. There was always this feeling with me that something was missing. Especially when it came to physical intimacy. I did not really enjoy sex with my husband. It was part of the job description of the "good wife" so I fulfilled my wifely duties while thinking of so many other things....and would wish it would be over quickly because I had stuff to do. I had heard that once you get married, sometimes there is a lull in the sex life, things become ordinary, mundane and boring. I chose not to have sex until I was married (Good Catholic Girl :/) so my husband has been my one and only sexual partner. Just thought I would accept my life as it was and oh well.

    Then my mind began to wander. I started reading things again online, started chatting with females and then began my connection with a female. This is recent, within the past few years. We began chatting about things like coming to terms with questioning our sexuality in life, the conversation was good. We started flirting, and then the feelings started coming. I developed a crush for her. Our conversations made me feel things that I had never felt before with my husband and I felt guilty. But I wanted more. I started to really let my mind go there and think of things. Fantasize about this person, a female. Other females. And had the OMG moment that wow I love women. I really really like women. I began to allow myself to feel things and think things and it felt SO GOOD. Beyond good. I let my fears and my uncertainties go and just went with what I was feeling. Through therapy I processed my feelings with my therapist (who is a lesbian) and began to feel free. All those years of pent up fear and frustration. The world didn't crumble because I admitted that I like women.

    I never used to walk down the street looking at women and thinking, my goodness I want her. I still don't. Didn't really do that with guys either. I would openly appreciate an attractive person, woman or man. That has not changed. I am lucky in that I can talk to my husband about my feelings (to a point) and we can talk about women that we find attractive, etc. He and I have different types of women, completely different. Now I can say to him(and myself), without fear that I am attracted to women and not feel like a bad person, or weird, or that I am going to hell. How that will play into my life and my marriage, I am not sure. But it sure feels good to know and say proud, I am a big fan of the ladies :slight_smile:
     
  19. CapColors

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    Wait, she told you you must develop an open marriage? Did I misunderstand?

    Like, great, if that works for you and your husband, do it. But what if it doesn't? It's not for everyone. Just because you're bi doesn't mean you should feel pressured into having an open relationship. What worrisome advice!
     
  20. confused04

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    #20 confused04, Sep 16, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2015