So I started coming out to myself at the beginning of the summer and have had a few halting conversations with some people close to me who were accepting, but generally never brought it up again to me. I started to go to therapy, but then haven’t been for the past few weeks because life got in the way (I need to call and reschedule) … and now I’m struggling with the desire to make it all go away. I know it is foolish, but I don’t want to face the awkwardness of coming out as a 40+ year old single woman. I feel like my friends will think I’m silly and my work-mates will wonder what sort of weirdo internalized homophobia I’ve been fostering all this time to wait so long, and not to mention, how the hell would I even bring it up (many of my workmates are gay so I don't want to hurt them either)? I feel like there is this noise in my head that is distracting and scaring me back into operating as ‘business as usual’, because I have good relations with my friends and my family and I don’t really want to rock that boat (even though I don’t know if it would really be rocked all that much if I finally took the step going beyond just being ‘questioning’). A couple of the biggest things holding me back is that I don’t have any actual sexual experiences with the exception of the ones in my head and that in looking at the opportunities for community locally, I’m not seeing much I can even relate to. I realize it is a mistake to make assumptions and operate in stereotypes, but there is little I relate to in what I see in lesbian culture, I just know that I’m sick of trying to pretend to want to have a boyfriend for the past 20 years when I don’t. I feel so stuck.
Me too. All of that. I have no solid advice to give but just some thoughts that came up while reading your post. Although this is incredibly naive of me, because to be honest I don't have any gay friends, but I just can't imagine why they would hold this against you. Maybe I am wrong, but I still think that there is a great deal of homophobia that any gay person deals with at some point, even if they have been out their entire lives and have no issue with being out, so I can't imagine a friend who is gay being hostile about another friend who is struggling with coming out. And again, who am I to say, I'm so far in the "closet" that I don't even know it has doors. I do think that despite what is presented to us in popular culture (gay person struggles with "gayness" then jump out of the closet into a warm fuzzy rainbow then BAM! instant happiness) is not true, that this is a process that can occur in stages, or waves, and sometime we have to just get used to treading water where we are at before we swim out any further. That probably sounds stupid, I'm trying to be all zen. You mentioned some specific trouble spots that you had at the moment. Since I feel I can relate to your post, I'll list some of mine too. Maybe some wise advice will come our way! I feel more lost I guess than stuck. But not like lost, as in soul is awash in blackness (not yet at least, that has happened before), but like I honestly don't know where to go from here. I live in an area where there is very limited gay community. I have looked at meetups from 2 local cities and most of the meetups are not updated or really young looking. I know I have to "get out there". I just need to find the "there". Honestly, the sex issue is probably the biggest for me. I'm almost 40 and have never been in a relationship with anyone, male or female. Including sex, or kissing, or fighting, or anything. Which conjures up images of scaly things hiding in dark corners of their parent's basement. I don't know what happened. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. But I have serious doubts that I'll ever be able to have, or start to have, a "normal" relationship/sex life. Or any sex. Ever. I'm not 16. I don't believe that sex is all there is, but I do believe that it is a normal, healthy part of being human. Honestly, most of the time I kind of feel like I am not human. Hmmm.....don't think I helped, but I do understand some of the feelings you described in your post and I know sometimes it helps to read that other people are in similar situations.
I have several gay friends and several straight. I came out to friends at 39. I worried that all friends wouldn't believe me, I for sure worried that the gay friends would feel sort of like I couldn't have *truly* been accepting of them for all of these years if I was hiding from my own gayness, and I also worried that gay frinds would be sort of like "no no, you are not one of us." I came out to straight friends before gay ones because I was far more fearful of coming out to gay friends. I know this isn't everyone's experience but the majority of my friends, gay and straight, have been soooooo accepting. (And the one that wasn't was a really strained friendship already anyway.) My experience with several of my gay friends has been kind of amazing in ways I did not expect. These are people I have known and loved for years--5-20 year friendships, and for several gay friends, suddenly what they allowed me to see of them expanded. I'm now hearing more romantic details about relationships ( and I really do mean romantic--not sexual), I'm hearing more about worries related to being treated differntly, and one friend, who I've known since we were teenagers, quietly and subtly tells me when she's checking out women when we are together--this is sort of surreal to me--we've been friends for 20 years and this was never part of it. It all feels so REAL, and the friendships that made it through me coming out feel deeper and more meaningful than ever. ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2015 at 10:09 PM ---------- Oh, and in general, my experience has been that gay people (even ones that jave been out for eons) totally seem to understand time in the closet more readily, and with fewer questions than straight people. Oh! And regarding my fear that friends just wouldn't believe I was gay--ha!--I actually had a lot of long-time friends say they weren't surprise at all and two gay friends who said some version of "I totally assumed you were gay when I met you and had a hard time wrapping my head around you with a man--this makes so much more sense."
I know how you feel here, I think. There is a lesbian neighbourhood in my city and anytime I go there, to wander around or shop at the delis, I just can't see myself fitting in there. BUT lately when I'm out in my usual areas of the city, I've started to notice what I'm convinced are lesbians everywhere! Haha. I'm sure they're not all but surely some are. I've even had a few women smile at me. Notable for two reasons. One, people in my city are really quite cold and not prone to be friendly towards strangers - so these smiles are particularly noticeable and two, I rarely, if ever, get unsolicited attention from anyone. I'm convinced it's because I have more confidence now and walk around with my personal contentment showing. I can't see any other reason for it. I know this sounds like hooey but if you can find some inner happiness or peace within yourself, I'll bet things will start looking up for you.
Hi Logan, I don't have s lot of advice, just hugs. But I wanted to say reading this makes me realise that we're all going through such similar shame and insecurity, even if our experiences or reasoning behind the shame is different. Reading this, I can see that you are strong snd brave for making this step, not the opposite. Take your time, take bsby steps, start with frirnds eho will be supportive and then take a step that's s little more scary. I'm in the same boat with the fear and the shame of coming out at such a late age. I feel like people are going to think I'm such a basket case. So I totally understand your feelings. I hope that the support you get here makes you feel less alone.
I can totally relate to your hesitation and fear about going further. What I noticed though is that the only way I am able to see the light at the end of the tunnel is when I'm not focusing on "other people", but on myself. And believe me, my own life has been built around the "what would others think of me" approach. And the funny thing is that a lot of people around me used to think I'm this cold, motivated person who knows what she wants and is sure about who she is. And this was so far from the truth. I had this "huge epiphany" not so long ago that all my life I tried to be like others, to see who others wanted me to be because I thought this is how people will like me, just to realise that people want to be around someone who is authentic and herself, rather than someone fake. That the only way to connect with others is to actually show your vulnerable side, the one I've been trying to hide so badly. I know this is something you have to feel through to realize it, but when this realization hits you, it's so powerful and so clear... I'm now also learning how to "be me" and after thirty something years of trying to define myself from the outside rather than from the inside, it's not easy and I have these moments of intense highs and lows (though I guess this is thanks to how I'm psychologically wired). Whay also helps is to look around here on EC and see so many people coming out in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s and talking about how it was worth it, how their life has changed and how is never too late. If they can do it why could't you/ we do it? We all deserve to be happy And the fact that we made this step and we are here is the most important indicator that we are able to get through this (*hug*)
After I made this post I had a rather explicit and sexual dream that obviously dealt with the myriad personal reservations I have and also remembered a drunken conversation about wishing I could come out but being too scared of what my family would think that I had almost ten years ago with a friend whom I'm no longer in touch with except marginally via social media. I called up my therapist and requested to schedule another session today.
That sounds like a good plan. Sometimes dreams help me sort through things. I don't often remember them, but when I do, especially when they stick with me for a while... they are usually important.
Learning to "Be Me" feels like an endless journey - just so wired to be what I expect others want me to be. I've finally realized that I need to reach out and make connections somehow. My first step is this site, but I need to meet and talk with other people who have gone through this journey out. I feel convinced that no one else my age (46) must be going through this. How on earth do I learn to trust my gut?
