resources for HIM

So you're gay and you want support for him? That seems like kind of a niche area of support. Is personal therapy possible?

 

I don't know of any, but my ex went to one on one therapy/counseling. Have you tried looking up info on the gay straight alliance page? I will snoop a bit and try to get back to you asap if I can find anything.

 

There are resources.
PFLAG National

---------- Post added 16th Sep 2015 at 06:14 AM ----------

^^that is a link to resources for the straight spouses

 

i was going to suggest this one as well. might be useful for yourself as well.

 

My bf's ex wife went to Straight Spouse Network. I checked out their site and there are some decent resources there from what I could tell, although the message board is not a place to go for a warm fuzzy if you're the gay spouse. I just about begged my ex wife to go so she could have some form of support, but she just wouldn't do it. Said she didn't want to be surrounded by people complaining about their gay exes. Which is kind of the point of a support group....but this is a woman who had a hairline fracture in her ankle and took over a year to see a doctor about it.

 

It does seem like there are a lot more resources for women with gay or bi husbands. I know shy bi had a straight spouse network, apparently open to registered members. Shy bi is the site for bisexual women, while shy bi guys is their male counterpart.

 

I'd be extremely wary about sending someone to that forum. There's a dedicated group of real anti gay bigots who actively stir up additional hatred. Fortunately my ex found that to be a complete turn off and found other means of support.

My $.02

 

Regarding the Straight Spouse Network message boards:

I have personal experience on them. And it's a GREAT resource. No, it's not warm and fuzzy. It's real and it's gritty, and it's full of straight spouses in all different stages of emotional recovery.

There is NO gay bashing. We aren't angry that our spouses and former spouses are gay - we're wounded and angry and hurt that we were deceived into believing that we were in a straight, committed, monogamous relationship only to find out otherwise through our own discovery of evidence. Even after discovery the typical situation includes more lies, deception, manipulation, being knowingly strung along, used and gas lighted. We don't have a problem with gay. We have a problem with deceit, and not being fully informed in our own lives in order to make our own healthy, informed decisions.

I would think that the gay spouse would WANT the real and gritty for their straight spouse, even if it's difficult. The opposite would be merely comfort - telling the st8 spouse that their spouse will eventually come around, that they're going to "get over" being gay, or that it'll all work out in the end. It typically doesn't. They need to know the reality of the situation from st8 spouses who've gone through it all - from the shock of discovery to denial of their situation to acceptance and then moving on. NONE of it is warm and fuzzy. It's painful and tough and heartbreaking. And it takes focusing on one's self in order to figure out what's best for them, vs. just supporting their gay spouse. We find so often that the gay spouse wants their st8 spouse's support in finding themselves and going through a discovery phase and still wanting their st8 spouse to remain the same person they were when they thought they had an honest, monogamous relationship. That's not possible without the st8 spouse considering their gay spouse's life, needs, wants and desires as more important than their own. We encourage the st8 spouse to look out for themselves - because the gay spouse is doing that for him/herself. If, for instance, the st8 spouse doesn't think they are okay with an open relationship, then DON'T condone it just for your spouse's sake. The st8 spouse is not less important than the gay spouse.

It really has nothing to DO with gay, in the end. Most of us don't believe that our spouses want to be gay, or would choose that reality for themselves. We consider it to be something that cannot be altered - especially not by the st8 spouse. And we speak that reality. It's a painful thing to hear, but we are helping people toward moving on and healing.

Best -

Kelleigh

 

My bf and I were married to our wives a combined total of 40 years. We married knowing deep down that we were gay, but determined to be married to our wives till death us did part. We were committed; we were monogamous. Coming out was a last resort to pull ourselves out of near suicidal depression, and while we wanted a support network for our wives, we also didn't want to be any more demonized than we already felt.

I'd still like my ex to have support of some kind, but from the description, I think Straight Spouse might well have set her imagination and anger into overdrive instead of helping her move on and heal. I know my bf told me that his ex was noticeably more hostile after the meetings. I'm not suggesting it's not a valuable resource, and I'm quite aware that the experiences of gay and straight spouse are all different. But my ex and I are moving towards a cautious friendship that I couldn't see happening if her support network were people who felt deceived and betrayed at the level you describe.

 

I've never been to a support meeting; only gleaned support from the online SSN st8 spouse boards. So I cannot speak to what the support meetings are like.

We understand that man gay spouses were previously in denial about their sexuality, and intended to be committed and monogamous for life when they married their st8 spouse. Still, 99% of us were not told that we were entering into a marriage with a spouse that was questioning, in denial or trying to resist the gay lifestyle. And we hold our now gay spouses responsible for keeping that information from us. VERY FEW of us have a gay spouse that approached us and told us the truth about their sexuality without having stepped out on the relationship in order to confirm that truth for themselves. I would say that about 1-5% of us finds out their spouse is gay (or researching their sexuality) without it involving our spouse cheating on us, or being found on gay websites trying to find a partner, or sending other gay individuals pictures of themselves, chatting with other gay intended partners, etc. Some of us have found out our spouse was gay when we caught STD's from them. We are rarely told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Because of this treatment, we are broken, devastated, angry, sad, confused and led to believe that we're being selfish for not believing the spouse that has clearly raked us over the coals. In addition, most of our spouses do NOT want a divorce, and will not leave after we find out they've cheated, try to turn our children against us in order to protect their sexuality, or lie to our families in order to protect themselves, leaving their devastated st8 spouse to deal with looking crazy when trying to defend themselves against family who want to know why they'd break up a family over lies.

I am not saying this is every st8 spouse's experience. But it IS the experience of the MAJORITY of the people who come to our boards. We are not trying to demonize gay people. We are trying to support individuals who have been injured by gay spouses who were not honest and forthcoming with their spouse about their sexuality. And all the fallout that happens from that.

MANY of us desire to have a friendship with our gay spouse. And many of us do. Lots of us don't have any interaction with them beyond what's necessary (to co-parent, for instance). Just like with a st8 divorce. It really depends on the level of hurt and injury that's transpired, the willingness to forgive, and the quality and need of the friendship after separation/divorce. We don't advocate not being friends, but when we hear a story of a st8 spouse being deceived, betrayed, manipulated and gas lighted, we are forthright about the fact that no, he is NOT your best friend. Because best friends don't treat each other with deceit, betrayal, manipulation and gas lighting.

 

Kelleigh, you've obviously had a very difficult experience. I hope you find peace.

 

Thanks, Choirboy. I'm actually all healed up now and remarried to a st8 man. WORLD of difference being with a st8 man who likes st8 women. Lol.

I'm happy and try to help others through the process. The thing about being a st8 spouse is that outside of the internet, there is no way of connecting to each other. We don't recognize each other in public, there are no places just for us, and we are oftentimes very embarrassed over our situation because we feel foolish for not having seen the truth right under our own nose. There is no road map for us. I found out 5 years ago that my then spouse was gay, and in those 5 years, I have yet to meet ONE other straight spouse. I know of people who know of people who have had it happen to them, but I have not one single person I know who can relate to me outside of strangers on the internet. And I'm extremely outgoing, open and talkative. If I can't bump into someone, a quieter more closed woman certainly won't meet someone who can understand and relate to her. It's a very lonely, isolating thing to have happen to you.

Thanks for your well-wishes.

Kelleigh