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I am a bit lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by heythere1971, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. heythere1971

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    I just found this site, and I just want to unload. I realize it's a bit silly expelling my personal life to strangers, but I am tired of not admitting my secret life to anyone. I tried online date sites to find someone willing to talk, but no one there gives a rip about anything but the hook up, and frankly I don't feel safe.

    Where to start... I am mid 40's.Was born and raised Christian, very hetero male. I teased my gay step brother, and had zero thoughts of anything but women. typical male of that period, no room for gay in my perspective. In my 20's I was married, and started to frequent massage parlors. Found the happy ending, but could not easily hide the price from my then spouse.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Welcome to EC!

    You came to the right place; where it's safe to share your story and where you will find the support you need to become yourself.
     
  3. heythere1971

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    I was also tired of the shakedown with no real massage. I wanted a good massage. That's when I found craigslist. I saw a cheap massage, said why not. it was in a personal house, not a Oriental parlor. The door opened and there answered a 70's male. surprised, but thought, what the heck. had massage and actually got a bit too excited, made a mess without being even touched down there. Got up immediately and made an excuse and ran. was so embarrassed and passed at myself. Had an email from that guy, saying he hopes he didn't offend or hurt me, etc... offered a free massage. I got hit with all the God guilt, and stopped all massages. Couple years later, I returned, not sure why, or am I? Any way, we had multiple sessions, a bit more play, only touch, him touching me, me mostly closing my eyes and allowing it and always quickly fleeing after a meeting. I am not gay, I didn't touch, right? anyway, lost touch with him and went back to forgetting about that period. years later, my then wife cheats on me. I turn to God for saving my marriage, it ends, and I realize my reality, God doesn't exist. I date women, but have a few m4m massages as well. Meet a great gal and we marry. I love her. Hate getting massages but still do. One guy it gets a bit beyond, we talk a bit more and it goes a bit further. Still safe, just mutual touch, but for the first time I don't run, and I keep my eyes open. I admit to him I am gay . first time ever saying it. He more or less backs off, likely from all my sharing. Now here I am. Never had sex. Think about it often. Want to try. Don't want to cheat. Want to find safety, don't know how. Hate the craigslist regulars, won't even think of going there. Only seem to want older men, like my first massage. Really want to be able to talk openly about my feelings. Still love my wife. Sorry so long, just as I began this epic, I am a list, formerly homo phobic old guy obsessed with "getting it", tired of lies, confused as hell.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Why is it that mid 40's always seems to trigger such life awakenings???? well, regardless, Welcome to EC!

    You certainly just expressed quite a bit, so rather than try and digest and comment on it all, let me start by expressing my understanding of all the challenges and confusion you are going through. Hopefully you can share your thoughts and find a good degree of guidance.

    One question I do have after reading your posts, where you said out loud that you are gay, can you maybe elaborate on that a bit more in relation to how you see men both sexually and emotionally? I ask, because it does seem that while you do have desires for sexual intimacy with men, I am curious if that extends to an emotional need as well? I am also curious if you still have sexual desires for your wife as well, or if you only have emotional feelings towards her having expressed your love for her.

    Maybe those are good places to start?
     
    #4 OnTheHighway, Sep 16, 2015
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  5. heythere1971

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    I appreciate the thought on that. I guess that me stating that, out loud was my first expression of that beyond fantasy. It was I guess an emotional outreach to what was previously only sexuality in nature.

    I get your thought process though. No, I guess I don't walk around looking at men, and think, wow, he's hot, iI want him. I do in fact still find myself sexuality attracted to my wife. At the same time, my thoughts are now often times inundated with the fantasies of my mutual massage experience. Not completely, iI guess, but very often. my personal pleasure is always gay, and my fantasies as well. My fantasies for the most part in the past were solely hetero, with a few exceptions when I first experimented in my early years.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    When I experimented when I was younger, I tried to convince myself it was just that, experimentation. What I loved was the adrenalin rush I got from being "naughty" and "anti-social"'; I found it really exciting to experiment. I lived in a very strict house, and I was a bit of a rebellious kid. Whenever I was sexually active with guys, I felt like I was being rebellious and kind of my way of telling my parents I could do what I want.

    When I look back, however, my fantasies even when I was younger were mostly geared toward guys. And while I was with woman when I was younger, I never found it as enjoyable as I found sex was with guys. That should have been an early clue to me. As I look back, I realize I always was attracted to guys. Beginning and end of story.

    Curious, was it hard to let go of your religious beliefs after your marriage failed? And when you let go of god, what happened to the guilt you previously experienced after the massages when it came to new massages your participated in? Do you still experience guilt?
     
    #6 OnTheHighway, Sep 16, 2015
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  7. heythere1971

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    hah, that's a whole other story. Abbreviated version, Nasty divorce. Turned to God, to save my marriage, end the end came to conclusion there is no justice, no karma, just results. No it wasn't over night. Gradual over a couple years. I guess you could say, my divorce broke me of the notion that was more or less supposed to be what my x wife wanted. She wanted me a Christian Man, but in the end proved it all a lie by her cheating. Post divorce, became a bit more open, liberal. Free from supposed Christian rigid right and wrong, I embraced openness in choice. And for the first time, eye contact with a male during massage. Make any sense? Sort of hard to explain going from Gung ho , to anti religion.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Makes all the sense in the world! Totally get that. Very rational. And the correlation between your epiphany and your eye contact with a guy makes sense.

    I had a very similar epiphany towards Judaism; although the circumstances were materially different (my parent pushed me to be a good jew, but they did not know how to lead by example).

    You mention wanting to find safety, what do you mean by that?
     
  9. heythere1971

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    I want it all iI guess. I want to find an open, gay man, willing to listen, above all else, not try to convince me that oral is safe with no condom. I want safety to sexuality explore, but with a honest person (ya, ironic iI know, being the married guy) not a craigslist hustler. I want a safe place to see if this side of me, is me. Live out my fantasies, see if the eye contact thing goes further.
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    Have you considered asking your wife to allow for you the space you need to find such safety? I know its a massive undertaking, and not something to consider lightly.

    When I came out to my wife, I was surprised that she actually did not want the marriage to end. She was looking for a way to keep our marriage together even under the circumstances that I came out to her as gay. I, however, craved both the sexual and emotional intimacy from a guy; so for me, that route was not viable.

    I am not suggesting the discussion needs to go as far as mine did. All I am asking you to consider is if you were open to speaking to her about your sexual desires given you remain connected to her emotionally.

    Also, when you suggest you want to see if the eye contact thing goes further, that begs the question, how much further?
     
    #10 OnTheHighway, Sep 16, 2015
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  11. Weston

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