Love to read this forum's threads, so comforting.. The other day left device to charge and forgot to close from EC.. Later discovered my husb used same internet tab. He didn't say much but that night was very attentive. So, there is a chance he suspects I am interested in different orientation info, and it feels good and bad at the same time.. Don't want to concern him, but I was thinking, maybe accidental hints are the way to go?:icon_wink If you already spoke to your spouse regarding hetero doubts, was it result of some accidental discovery? Something has to be a 'push', even a slight one. What was yours?
This is exactly why I'm not really hiding my time on the forum. I'm kind of hoping to soften him up without confronting the situation directly.
I don't hide it really, but I also try not to be on when he's in the room, more out of a desire to spend time with him. One night he got upsets bc he said I was always shutting down "that site" when he walked in the room. So I explained why, and since then I don't pop off as quickly. I'm also talking to him about ppl I meet on here. He was worried everyone was trying to get me to leave him, but I've explained that it's more about supporting each person in his/her own journey whether that means staying, leaving, or coming to some other agreement. Anyway, I don't think hints are the worst thing. I shared a really disturbing dream I had with him when I was still out of it one morning before I had a chance to analyze the meaning. It was basically saying I felt trapped and needed some freedom. It led to a really good talk a couple of nights later... I don't know where it's going, but I'm glad we are talking and trying to meet each other's rather incompatible seeming needs and wants.
Does he know then/suspect? What is his take on your interests? Maybe some day my browsing will become a good conversation starter. Now that I've discovered my secret attraction to a woman, internet has been the window to discovery - new information, totally different perspective. If it's meant to be, will happen. 'By accident' may be my plan.. ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2015 at 11:46 AM ---------- Very glad to know you and your husband have open discussions and more importantly trust each other. At the end both of you are comfortable with each other and happier in the long run. I think mine will be very hurt, moreover, if I had a talk with him now, the timing is not so good. He will probably connect my interest in EC with the only lesbian acquaintance and will prohibit me from going anywhere where I may see her. I need my freedom and will be devastated if judged.. So, maybe some day, by accident, EC browsing will help me out!
At first I hid coming on EC. I was scared of my husband's reaction. A very long relationship with my first love, a female, had just ended very traumatically for me (long story, was an emotional relationship, not one that we both overtly acknowledged) and he was very hurt by the relationship. He was very sensitive to me looking into LGBT issues because he felt threatened. But then I felt that honesty was the best policy and told him. I don't let him read my posts and I really don't think he knows the name of the website. Now if he enters the room and I am on the site, I don't jump and fold the computer down or open another tab to my celebrity gossip websites so he doesn't ask questions...
I don't think so; not yet. Over the last day or so I think I've decided to come out to him sooner rather than later, though, and just deny that I'm interested in my friend. I am NOT interested in her, after all: I have no intention of trying to get with her. "Sooner" means like a few months, though. (Quicker than the years I'd originally planned.) I'm still sorting through things with my therapist, though. I won't do it until I can convincingly say "no, I'm not interested in her"; too much is at stake.
I see her often but our communication is very short. I do feel that somehow we are connected. Sometimes I feel like she does like me a lot, but she is strong type, kind of closed off and controls herself well. I've had feelings for her almost 5 months already: happy, sad, upset, mad, neutral. All related to her. She is reality mixed with my ideal (which I discovered after many years!), therefore, no, I can't leave with her - I don't know her well enough, and I am not close to her. ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2015 at 06:51 PM ---------- Very interesting statement - the idea of not being interested in specifically "her" will allow you to be honest with your husband about your interest in women. That is very smart and responsible. Never thought of it this way.. If you can elaborate on this, it may help me as well.
Sure! Although I'm still figuring this out myself. And my response may be fairly idiosyncratic to my situation. Basically, I think that my current situation has two distinct components: 1. I am in love with my friend. I consider this to be an emotional violation of my marriage fidelity, even though she doesn't even know and I have no intention to act on it. This may sound inflexible, but I KNOW my husband would see it as a violation as well. As would I, were the tables turned. This makes me miserable. I absolutely want NOT to be in love with someone who is not my husband, but I can't just wish it away. 2. I am bisexual. I truly believe in my heart that my husband will accept this. He's a caring and open guy. The problem is this: one thing he would find threatening (I'm in love with someone else). One thing he probably wouldn't (I'm bi). But if I tell him I'm bi while my emotions are running so high, he'll IMMEDIATELY guess that I'm in love with my friend. So I have to wait until I can convincingly deny #1 until I can disclose #2. I'm hoping that will come sooner rather than later, because I'm getting increasingly tired of not being able to talk to him about my orientation. He's my partner. At first I assumed that I would have to wait until my feelings fade _completely_ for my friend, but now I'm thinking that if I can convince him that my fidelity is iron clad (which it is), that I don't have to wait quite that long. Maybe a couple of weeks or months, not years, could be my timeline. And the act of discussing this with my husband might actually help me get over her. (To be clear, I'm not ashamed with being in love with her because she is a woman, just because I'm married.)
My husband has noticed that I like watching some lesbian shows, like the L word (oh god I was so obsessed, especially with Jennifer Beals...So. Hot....OK, sorry got distracted ), or Faking It which is totally a teenie show but whatever. So I also kind of hope that if/when I discuss this side of me with him, it won't come as such a shock...
So many facts similar, therefore I found your answer very helpful.. It is probably easier said than done, however, once decided upon is sure way to go. I probably should think of the bigger picture and see if this is not just attraction to her. I don't know if I can believe yet that I can have romantic feelings towards a woman besides her ( not just checking someone out). Not knowing for sure is a true mystery to me, and makes things a lot harder. Every day I think of possibly not wanting to be in my marriage in the future, but when I catch myself thinking his way I ask myself if there is a good enough reason to leave? And, I can not think of a really good reason that is accepted by society. There is no abuse, infidelity, irreconcilable differences, huge fights. But I know having strong feelings for her is surely distancing me.
I came out to my husband about having feelings for my bff when I was in crisis from the whole thing. He was actually really understanding about the situation, and he realized that you can't help having feeling for someone. You don't pick to have the feelings. You do get to pick whether to act on them or not. This is the part I'm working through... wanting something that isn't in our current marital agreement.
