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Can I just *be*out without coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

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    I'm not sure I want to have a "talk" with everyone about my orientation but I cdrtainly want it to be out on the open, I wang to be authentic, I want to be visible, and I want to be unapologetic about who I am.

    But I don't know how to be out

    ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2015 at 10:30 PM ----------

    My post was posted too soon! Here's what it was supposed to say:


    I'm not sure I want to have a "talk" with everyone about my orientation but I cdrtainly want it to be out on the open, I want to be authentic, I want to be visible, and I want to be unapologetic about who I am.

    But I don't know how to do that. I've heard stories of prople coming out casually, and I think I find that fits my sense of "this is who I am, take it or leave it" thst I wish to embody.


    With my bestie and my mom I've already had more of a talk, which is fitting because they are people I turn to when I need support in introspecting, and to my great relief they were both incredibly loving.

    But with my siblings and maybe eveny dad and stepmom, I feel like I'd rather it comes out in this more confident "this is just me" kind of way. I am totally with being vulnerable with all of them but I feel like alot of the introspecting I need to do is not necessarily something I want to share with them all the way. I don't want, for example to give any indication that there is strife in my marriage.

    But I have no idea how to do this....died anyone have success stories?

    One complication is that having lived as straight for so long, and being married, its very jarring, sudden...I don't know the word I'm looking for.

    Also I live far from my family, like across the ocean far, it will be a long time before I'm in the same place as them, so the opportunities for this to skip out naturally seem slim.

    Also, I want to be taken seriously, so I don't want it to be too casual. I don't want it yo seem like a joke.

    And finally I just have no idea how to even slip it in....


    I thought of things like finding ways to slip in conversations about bisexuals in the media or something... But it's all very I don't know. I don't mind it being contrived, I judt want the result to be - she just opened up about something personal and central to her. This is a real and genuine thing. I want it to be such that I can continue to be authentic in representing me thereafter snd there's ni confusion or surprise...

    Does anyone have any encouraging thoughts on this?

    ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2015 at 10:32 PM ----------

    Darn phone typos....
     
  2. baristajedi

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    One example of how this could be doable is like I could call my sister and chat with her. I've been telling her lately about how much I love ian Mckellan and I only recently heard his coming out story. I might say something,"maybe I'm drawn to it so much because I don't feel like I've always been authentic myself" ... And then we could go on from there

    Or my dad and I always talk politics, so when he comes to visit next month I could mention how proud I am that we've passed the federal law for gay marriage. And I could say, you know I could have been one of those people fighting for marrisge with a woman I love....
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    Sounds like you have thought through quite well and already know good approches to take. Follow your heart.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Sep 17, 2015
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  4. baristajedi

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    I am starting to feel more sure about what I want to do, but hell, this process is so scary.
     
    #4 baristajedi, Sep 17, 2015
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  5. OnTheHighway

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    kinda like learning to walk again for the first time!
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Yes! It really is. Everything I do is coloured by new discoveries about myself. I realise how inauthentic I've been for years, not fully aware that I was being inauthentic, I was just slogging along.

    I don't want to slog along anymore, I want to be able to feel my own feelings without shame, to express who I am without hesitation, to recognise my own needs and wants. But it's so daunting.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    Been reading a lot of the term "inauthentic" over the past few weeks and giving this a lot of thought. Mind if I challenge that notion a bit. Is it really being inauthentic, or is it really about lacking transparency where so many of us have built brick walls and have been unable to see through the wall?

    Part of becoming "Authentic", or true to yourself, is to knock down the wall. But I am not sure having had built the wall means you are being inauthentic to yourself; we might have all just limited our view from reaching our full authentic potential.

    By suggesting this, I am not trying to skirt around taking personal responsibility for having built the wall, as it was all ours to build, but I am trying to put this in a different perspective.

    Your wall seems to be coming down. No need for it to come crashing down, but taking away one block at a time would seem to be a sufficient approach.

    I doubt your "slogging" anymore.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    I actually started feeling less overcome with emotion yesterday for a bit and was able to extend some comforting thoughts to myself and it allowed me to challenge similar ideas too.

    I was thinking maybe it's not like I've been a total fraud, but instead what I understood and understand about myself has been evolving and rather than feeling like a coward or a liar, maybe naiive, scared, inhibited, and ...oh I can't think of a word for the idea of taking more stock in what others tell me than what I feel...But anyway m y thinking yesterday was that those notions fit me more and fit my journey more. I haven't perhaps so much been inauthentic, but rather I've been underplaying certain aspects of myself and lacking confidence to examine and validate my own feelings.

    I think that it has hurt me more than it will ever hurt those who love me.
    I am going to take care to be kind and loving to my husband in this journey, I am coming out partially to be braver as a model for my daughter. But I do still feel disappointed with myself.

    I don't know if all of this makes sense. My head is full of gobbledygook lately.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    You will be a great role model for your daughter! :kiss:
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Thanks . I really hope so.
     
  11. CapColors

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    Those ideas all sound good to me!

    I say, cut your former self some slack---treat her like your own best friend. Give her good advice for moving forward but be compassionate.
     
    #11 CapColors, Sep 17, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2015